Keep on keepin' on

Did I already use that title once? Probably. Everything old is new again these days anyways, you know, derivative. So here we are, mid-September. Paudie our superboy is 3. He is potty trained. He uses a real cup. We have a pre-schooler! We had a small get-together for him last weekend with a bouncy castle. A little over the top for like 8 friends I guess, but the fact that he keeps getting older is so meaningful for us - we don't take it for granted. There was a time I never thought we'd get here. And yes I realize that the way I am talking right now sounds as if Paudie is the one with cancer or some other illness. I wish I could parent without baggage but I just can't no matter how hard I try. The poor kid, having to grow up with a half crazy mama. Noel is so lucky that Paudie gets the brunt of my pathology.

Speaking of Noel he is now 5 and a half months - another milestone for us. If he wakes up tomorrow without being diagnosed with cancer, which I am fairly certain will happen, we'll have surpassed another marker in my mind. He is so much like Cian. Happy, happy, happy baby. And fat. The fattest thighs you have ever seen. I had John get all the 6-12 month clothes from the attic last month and just gave up on them - chunker is now in 12-18 month clothes and they aren't exactly hanging off of him. In no time at all he will be taking his brother down. Have I mentioned the drooling yet? Noel is the drooliest kid. OMG. He soaks through his shirt in no time at all. It's like a faucet. The bibs and shirts we go through each day is really something else. You hold him for like a minute and you are slimed.

Hmm what else has gone on lately? Paudie had his 3 year well visit and I have to say, he has come a long way. While he was very vocal about not wanting to go see Dr. I, he was largely a trooper. Didn't cry for the finger prick/lead test. I thought that would be the worst of it (hence me scheduling the appt on his actual bday), but it turns out he needed a booster shot. And then I figured why not throw in the flu shot if he is going to be crying anways. Bad mommy! But he calmed down and had a good visit with our wonderful doctor. He clocked in at 40 inches and 34 lbs. Still completely lanky. Oh, and we had another successful haircut. He was sporting this Bieber look which was a total bad scene but I wanted to wait till right before our trip since he's the ring bearer and all, needed to make sure he is well-coiffed for the photos.

Oh, right. So as mentioned above, the big news is that Weds night at 7:15 PM we will all board a plane for Ireland. Between now and then I need to pack 172 Lbs of stuff to carry us through our two-week getaway. We are going to have a very busy time with John's family between a wedding and associated dinners, a birthday party and Noel's baptism. Paudie is going to be on perma-high playing with his 13 cousins, stomping in mud and puddles, riding a tractor, looking at the cows etc. If we could just fast-forward past the plane ride and two-days of jetlag/sleep deprivation. It really is incredibly painful to lose a night of sleep. But hopefully we'll get settled in without too much drama and conflict. Hee.

Bon voyage peeps.

Today is August 31.

38 years ago today, my mother's water broke and I entered the world at 7:07 AM.

13 years ago today, Princess Diana was killed (I learned of this while celebrating my 25th birthday at JJ Foleys).

5 years ago today, I had an ultrasound of a 12 week old fetus that would eventually be known to all as Cian.

Also 5 years ago today I watched in disbelief as Katrina hit New Orleans; I thought to myself how lucky we were.

4 years ago today I sat in a hospital room on 6N in Children's Hospital still so devastated by the news that my son had cancer. I wondered if he'd ever smile again. I was not feeling lucky anymore.

3 years ago today I was 39 weeks pregnant, getting ready to welcome another little boy into the world as well as an inordinate amount of accompanying anxiety.

2 years ago today I was picking myself up from a miscarriage and wondering why things had to be so hard.

1 year ago today I found myself 8 weeks pregnant.

This morning John and I subjected ourselves (and Noel) to a belly scan as a peace of mind measure - making sure nothing is there that shouldn't be. The tension was absurd. We did not speak. I did not sleep last night. When we got the all-clear from the radiologist, we almost cried. I don't want to be this way. I want to let it go. But I can't.

So Happy Birthday to me.

I am not happy about getting older. I am finding it harder and harder to deal with anxiety that seems to be increasing in my life. It all stems from living through something that most people would say is irrational. It is an irrational fear as a new parent to think your baby will die. Everyone thinks that right? It is a fear all new parents have. But it really happened. Any because of that fact I struggle with how to manage other irrational fears. I'm going to get into a car accident. Noel is going to have cancer. Paudie is going to get hit by a car. The list goes on and on and I am so angry that I can't control the workings of my brain. I hate you neuroblastoma. I hate you for taking my son and for making me someone I don't like much of the time anymore. I want to be happy but even at my happiest right now it's still a fraction of what it means to be unequivocally happy.

Funny, as in sad

So if you ever told me, oh say 5-10 years ago, I'd be the mother to 3 boys, I'd have laughed uncomfortably. If you'd told me one of them would be heavenly only months after arriving, I would have thought you were lying. But such is life. And now this is how I get a family photo of my three boys. This photo is really more of an outtake from a session we had at our house a few weeks back. The look on P's face makes me kinda smile at an otherwise sad image.

Have to put it out there that Tuesday marks 4 years since the most horrific day of my life. It feels so far away. Like it's in the rearview mirror and I am really squinting to see it. But I am such a different person for having lived through that day and all that followed - including the 1400 days since. I was thinking today that Cian's illness and death was the pinnacle of stress for me and maybe that's why I cope so well with stress. It's not even coping with stress - it's like I am teflon for stress. Now anxiety is a whole other ball game, but I've been to the apex of stress and I don't think I will ever go back. Kinda makes me a bad employee at times and sometimes I even question my parenting skills as a result.

It's kind of nice that only two weeks after Cian's dx anniversary we have P's birthday to pick us up. I can't believe he is going to be 3. When he's happy, he's so much fun. When he's unhappy, he's incredibly dramatic and that too can be kind of fun if it wasn't so ear piercing. Like this Am he had a miniscule splinter in his foot - John needed a huge toy magnifying glass to see it. You should have seen the limping. You'd think he had a broken foot. He really has a flare for the dramatic. Has since he was a baby.

Speaking of baby... Noel loves food! Praise the lord baby jesus we have an eater. Last night he lapped up a jar of peas like I would a dark chocolate pudding. He is a dream baby. So relaxed, so giggly, so fun. A lot like Cian. I thought for sure I'd be punished this time with a colicky screamer, but we have been blessed with an amazing baba. And when I look into his big blue eyes, I feel as if I've looked into those same eyes before and it brings me comfort.

We took Noel for his 4 month check-up last week and he almost broke the office's record for size. he clocked in at 21 lbs - two P didn't weigh that much till he was 9 months old. Noel is totally going to take P out in a few months and I have to say, I am sure he will deserve it. P does a lot of regressing around Noel - like suddenly his favorite toys are Noel's toys. I find it pretty irritating, I can only imagine what Noel will think if the behavior continues. Gonna totally take him out.

It's fun to read back over this pathetic blog and see how when P was Noel's age, I was soooo gaga over him - then over time as he has gotten older and all the toddler stuff has set-in, there isn't as much outright gaga-ness. Now to have another cuddly, chubby, toothless baby around who is so innocent, it's wonderful to feel that gaga all over again. Part of me honestly cringes at the thought of doing infant-mama all over again, but another part of me can't come to terms with not having any more gaga in only a few months.

Reunited and it feels so bad

Before I get into what the title of this post means, let's reflect on how cute Noel is. Awww. He is officially 4 months old. Drooling like no tomorrow. Rolling over - both ways. He is actually a compulsive roller. At night when he wants to sleep he just keeps rolling over, crying and barfing from laying on his stomach. It's a vicious cycle. I gave him a little oatmeal last night because he has been so cranky about taking the bottle. I had hoped some semblance of solid food would do the trick and make him happy. It didn't. But he wasn't horrified either.

So this weekend I went by myself - well, I went with my friends but sans family - to my 20 year high school reunion. All I can say now is what was I thinking? I gave up a weekend with the fam to hang out Friday night in a hideous townie bar with, for the most part, people I was never friends with. Don't get me wrong, there are definitely a handful of smart, interesting people from the clas of 1990, but for the most part, it was a bust. We didn't even go to the picnic Saturday. In true high school fashion, we drove up to it, didn't like what we saw and drove away. Anyhoo I had my first night out in 18 months so 3.5 drinks later I was totally intoxicated. So hungover the next day. So between being hungover, tired, alone etc, I spent way too much time being introspective. Thinking things like, hmmm... 20 years. Am I where I thought I'd be? Am I happy? All the shit I am better off just not thinking about.

So Satuday I spent some time alone with my mom at the nursing home. Never really spend time alone with her since the fam is always with me on my trips. Again, more time to introspect. Is that even a word? My friends and I hit the beer tent, a la Hilton Zoo, Saturday night. This is basically a huge frat party on carnival grounds. Free to enter, bad cover band, no lighting, lots of smoking and Genny Light cans for $2.50 each. Never drank in the beer tent before. So I can cross if off my list. I can remember the Hilton Carnival being like the best 4 days of the summer, what you looked forward to the most just to walk around it 500 times and ignore people you went to school with. This time I was walking around it clutching my purse and feeling like I should go give some parenting lessons to the people letting their 2 year olds drink soda from a can at 9:30 at night. And the security guards! What is life coming to in the little town of Hilton, NY? Security guards at the volunteer fireman's carnival?

Sunday was tense. I just wanted to get home to the boys. I felt guilty for leaving John to take care of them all, and I didn't even have the time of my life. Should have been at a spa. So the plane is about to take off at 7PM... then back to the gate we went. I swear I almost stood up and started to shriek, "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!" But I held it together. Even when it looked like my best chance to get home was a 6:oo AM the following morn via Washington DC. But USAir came through and got me home for 11:00. And really I wasn't bitter that I had to spend $50 for a cab since the kids were in bed.

So there was my weekend. When I first saw Noel Sunday night it felt like I hadn't seen him in months. He seemed slimmer and blonder. Paudie looks the same but isn't being a very nice boy to me. And his potty training is not advancing very quickly either. I just hope some day soon he wakes up and is ready to say goodbye to diapers forever. Well at least for the next 75 or so years. Even super hero underwear doesn't pique his attention.

As I sit here typing and thinking, oh my aching back, something else I will add is that in an effort to make my stomach muscles behave and GO BACK to where they came I am binding my belly. Yup, like a girdle. So we shall see. It's helping with my posture which I really need to work on since someone asked me at the reunion if I was pregnant (because of the way I was standing he says). So we'll see if the belly bandit can work magic or not. There is no time for exercise.

How soon we forget...

So there they are. The boys. In this pic Noel is very sort of Cian-esque. It's the eyes. And the roundness. Hard to believe Noel is nearly 4 months old. It's amazing the stuff your brain flushes when it determines knowledge to be no longer relevant. Like right now we are in a stage with Noel where he hates his bottle and is obsessively trying to turn over and getting very frustrated. Now I know I've seen this before but I'll be damned with who and how long it lasts etc. At first it's like... what is he doing? Why is he so cranky? Is something wrong with him? Then it starts to set in, the feeling of deja vu. Anyhow Noel remains completely charming and sweet. I really think he is going to be our eater. Cian never really got the chance to enjoy food and Paudie has hated food since the start. He has said that to us on several occasions lately. "I don't like food." But Noel seems pretty interested in what we are eating so fingers crossed we get to experience a child who happily eats.

The potty training with Paudie is going so-so. Good god what a pain in the arse it is. He actually does better with it at daycare than he does at home. He does on occasion respond to our bribing, but he has yet to really show initiative to go to the bathroom on his own. He is only 7 weeks shy of turning 3 so I hope it clicks soon because he already looks older than he is and I don't want people to think I have a 5 year old in diapers. Which I think they do anyways. The check-out woman at Trader Joes asked him how old he was and he said 5 and she bought it. Not because he thinks he is but because he can't count.

I am sitting here typing feeling that my eyes could close any minute even though I am getting a pretty solid 7-8 hours of sleep most nights. I wonder if sleep deprivation just hangs around as you get older? Or if being tired all the time is from getting older? I guess I just have to accept I will be tired every second of every day from here on out - comes with the parenting territory. Jaysus I miss sleeping in. I am so glad that I used to sleep till like 2:00 when I could. Who would have thought 6:00 could be the new 2:00?

So John is home with Noel. Just read an article in Parent's about how something like 25% of dads stay home with the kids now. Look at us, part of a trend. Meanwhile I am back at work trying to be productive. And wishing I head a treadmill desk. I have 8 lbs to lose. I know, not a lot, but my body refuses to relinquish it. I wake up starving every day, have a 400 calorie salad for lunch and carrots as a snack and nada. Booo. I am trying to fit in walking when I can but I know what I need is some real aerobic exercise. And I know if you burn energy it makes more energy but tell my lazy bottom that.

meet noel.

There he is. Crowley boy #3. And yes that basically is a picture of his dimple. His asymetrical dimple. He's very cute huh? Can't believe it's been about 4 months since I was on here with an update. Scratch that, I can.

So here's the story of Noel. I went into labor at about 7:00 on March 31. We got to the hospital at 10, he was born at 12:30 AM. April 1. The Fool's Day, to his father's chagrin. While we were at home I had some denial about being in labor. But John convinced me we had to go to the hospital - by the time we got there, I couldn't even really walk. I was almost crying. I never had that experience with the first two because I was induced with Cian (epidural at 4 cm) and got the epidural at 5 cm with Paudie. I was at 6 cm when we got to the hospital and about 8 when I finally was able to get the meds. They weren't on board very long when it was time to push. He was out in no time at all. What I remember is that no one (there were only 4 people in the room) would say what the gender was. "Oh this baby has a lot of hair" "Oh my, what a long baby!" Finally I asked and was told, another boy. Which I had expected and is perfectly fine. We are so well equipped for boys!

Paudie had a hard time adjusting to big brotherhood. I'm not going to lie, it was so brutal. He was a total brat. When have I ever said that about him? He seems to have settled in some. But the first few days were a disaster.

So what can I tell you about Noel? Well, he is the sweetest baby like ever. He never cries. Only when he is uber hungry. He is low key and super smiley. He is enormous. Top of growth charts for height and weight. Has Cian's big blue eyes. Acutaally he looked a lot like Cian at first and now is more of a fat, blue eyed Paudie. But he def has Cian's personality. All party all the time.

Sleeping was rough at first but in the last week or so (he just turned 3 months) he has started doing 7-9 hour stretches at night. Hallelujah! Just in time for me to go back to work. John is home with him for the next few months till we figure out where we can get some infant care from. Easier said than done.

I still have a lot of panic about pediatric cancer. Hate it. Hate that I just can't be 100 percent confident and happy. Especially because Noel is so Cian like. But I am getting by. Denial perhaps.

Funny how having a baby makes you see your other children. If Paudie was 2 going on 5 before, now it's like 2 going on 10. He is riding a bike, feeding the dog, letting him in... if only he could use a toilet - that is our summer project.

So there you have it. 5 years in the making, we now have two living children. Who would have thought it would take so long. Me, bitter? Why yes. :)

Just like his mama

Paudie is the image of me when I was small in this pic. Yes, I looked like a boy. A boy with a bad haircut. It's the eyes. Except he has long, luxurious lashes and I have horrid stubby ones. I'm so fortunate Wendy takes lots of pics at daycare cos lately John and I have been slacking big time.

So it's been almost a month since my last post. Ugh. What even happened I wonder? Well we survived Cian's birthday. It was harder this year than last - last year we were landing in Ireland on his bday so between jetlag and preoccupation, it was easier to cope. This year it was all in our face. I managed to make it to about 9:30 PM before I had my total meltdown. Then it takes about 2 days to get over the anniversary hangover.

But enough about that. Paudie started swimming Saturday and... success! John took him and I really had no idea what the report was going to be. I guess he was a little unsure at first - but then he was all about it. He was exhausted when the 30 minute class was over. The boys came home and got me and we went to breakfast and Paudie chowed! He rarely does that - but clearly he worked up an appetite, as did his dad.

Paudie has also been very pro-mama lately which has been nice. I am sure it is a phase but I'll take it while it lasts. I'm loving a little cling. He's also been cracking us up with some of the things he's been saying. The other nights after dinner he asked us, "guys, you wanna watch a movie?" Guys. Priceless. He was at his 30 month check-up earlier this week - a total screaming mess for much of it, until the doctor came in. Then he looks at the doc and says, "You Dr. Irons?" And from that point on he was the most well-behaved, compliant patient. Maybe we are over the hump? During the exam the doc had to take a call about getting his basement pumped out and that was all Paudie could talk about once we got home. So funny the things kids latch on to. I wonder if he'll talk about it again next time we see Dr. Irons which should be any day now.

So things are really great with Paudie though I can't help but feel sorta sorry for him since his whole world is about to go upside down and he truly has no idea. He has been the center of our worlds in so many ways for 2.5 years (really longer I guess). A total golden child. Though if I may pat ourselves on the back for just one minute here, I do think we have done a good job of not letting it go to his head too much - this isn't a spoiled brat. I think he likes our laid back vibe and understands it's intent/genesis in some weird cosmic way.