Friday, November 4, 2011

the storm before the stormier storm

There they are, our little darlings working on a jack-o-lantern last week. Paudie is quite angry with his little bro - shocker. It's so hard to believe that this could be the last week of sanity for awhile. And it's hardly sane here. But two months into the move, I can say that I finally feel as if things are settling down. How naive of me to think we would have been settled before this point. Paudie just went through weeks of horrible separation anxiety - he still has his moments but he's starting to make friends and things are feeling more normal. I thought 4 was going to be like a totally awesome age and instead it has me banging my head against a wall. Paudie is such a contrarian. Everything is a battle. I hope it's just a phase and him dealing with a transition into schoolage. I don't know. Then there is Noel. The little devil/charmer. He is physically strong and strong willed. And loud. They are opposites. On Halloween Noel was a party animal and P a party pooper. Paudie ran away from every person who approached our door scared out of his mind. Noel meanwhile greeted everyone, hello and goodbye. 'Hiya' he's screaming on the porch meanwhile Paudie is rolled up into a ball on the couch watching some preschool cartoon of sorts.

Paudie hates to eat. Part of wonders, does this child have an eating disorder? He is skin and bones. We give him food and he just ignores it and Noel comes along and takes it off of him and eats it. They couldn't be more different.

This all makes me wonder what we are in store for. I found out I was pregnant back in mid-March and while I can't say it was a shock, it also wasn't entirely expected. Between anxiety around my 'advanced maternal age' and knowing we wanted to move, I really was able to turn my mind off from it for many months. Pretty strong denial that has carried me far. But 38 weeks in, it's pretty hard to deny. I am trying to savor the last few days and weeks here because this is definitely it. I can't believe this is a fourth baby for us. I feel like, well actually I have been, in some stage of pregnancy or post or trying for 7 years. This is an end of an era. While I have no idea how we are going to handle another child, I am at peace with how it worked out. I hate being on the fence and this pregnancy pushed us off of the fence. It also will be pushing me back into a darker place in terms of anxiety about the health of the baby. Hell even now when Paudie tells me his legs hurt it's all I can do not to think Wilms tumor. Sigh. That's what I worry about the most, going back into anxiety mode. The flashbacks to Cian's first few months of life and all of the trauma that came with being his mom and dad.

Funny how life works out. 5 years ago we lost Cian and here we are about to welcome his third younger sibling into the world. This is a path he set us on. If you'd told me five years ago we'd be here, I wouldn't have believed you. At that point I felt as if I'd fell down the side of a mountain and was standing next to it staring up to the top feeling like any chance of getting back up to the apex was slim to none. Thankfully I can't clearly recall the amazingly horrible feeling of losing our parenthood for a year, but I do try and go there whenever I feel overwhelmed by what we have.

There's safety in numbers, I guess that's become my parenting philosophy. So no matter how sleep deprived I am, or how rotten Paudie is to us, or how many times Noel tries to headlock new baby, this is a good thing for us. This is all a tribute to the little boy who so radically changed and touched our lives.