Thursday, February 24, 2011

i am i said

That's a great Neil Diamond song. Not as great as America, but what is, really?

Don't have any new pic to go with this update. Please someone, a wireless SD card for our camera.

Am going to try to be more upbeat in my musings today. Because I'm sure that people who don't know me read this and think, wow this is one morose, sad, whiny woman. And those that do know me think, well they probably think they same thing. I really believe for the most part I am okay. It's balance. For me to get on with my life and be a productive part of society, a good mom, a... well, an employee, I can't let the grief off of its leash. It grounds me. And maybe I need to stop being grounded but it's a little too comforting to cut it loose. Because I know I can't get over losing Cian. That doesn't mean I walk around dressed in black crying like John Boehner, that just means there is a sadness I live with every day. That doesn't mean I don't enjoy life or laugh, it just means my highest high right now is let's say a 7.5 and not a 10. But I'm pretty happy with a 7.5. That is my cross to bear.

I think what people can't understand until they are in the shoes of a parent dealing with a terminally ill or dying child is that you would do anything to save them. Literally. If a doctor had said give us every single penny and we'll save your son, no brainer. If some higher power had said, mama, you take the cancer and we'll save your son, yup, that would have worked too. So when you actually live like that and ponder those types of things, when you are so desperate... how do you rebound from that once the inevitable happens? How can I care about money any more when I would have given it all away? How can I worry about death when I would have taken it to spare my son? This is just part of the mental damage you are left with.

I love my family. My living children saved me. I am thankful for every day that I feel healthy and wise. But I just can't and never will shake the grief. I've come to terms with that much.

In just over a week Cian would have been 5. I'm supposed to be the mother of a little boy starting kindergarten this year, instead I'm the mother of a little boy who was supposed to start kindergarten this year. After Cian died I thought I'd be some neuroblastoma warrior mom. I started an organization in his name to spread the word - the disease is out there and most docs don't have a clue what it is or how to diagnose. But then I realized, I don't know the first thing about the disease really. He was sick for seven short weeks, then he was gone. He only managed through 3 rounds of chemo. So what the hell do I know about this disease besides it is evil and should be eradicated post haste? Not much. I tried to go there, to learn more, to throw myself into the disease and I realized, I hate this little mf so why am I burdening myself any further with it? I hope Cian understands.

Ugh and that's another thing, living your life out with this sense of being watched over. WWCT? What would Cian think?

The other night I was out driving alone thinking about Cian and I had one of those, "did that really happen" moments? Did I really have a child and he died? Really, that really happened? To me? I think that's why I am fascinated by the stories of other bereaved parents. It helps me deal with what I'll call low self esteem that stems from his death. We brought him here to give him a great life and protect him. Fail and fail. And while I know it wasn't our fault and there was nothing more we could do beyond what we did do, none of it helps.

So this post didn't really turn out as positive as I thought it would - but really I'm okay. It's just late February, that's all. And this is all part of the lifelong healing process. I'm sure just about the time I've internalized it all, when it finally clicks, I'll be sitting in some SNF with diabetes, dementia and heart disease telling Paudie that my pants are too tight and that I need to go to the bathroom.

Friday, February 18, 2011


Yeah I got nothing for a title today. I am completely out of any ideas and there is no general theme to this update I can try to work with. Happy it's Friday. Happy it's springlike out. Happy my husband told me I looked skinny this AM. Look at that, I'm actually copping to being happy!

This pic was taken late last week at daycare - was for our Valentine's day card. Cute stuff huh. To me these two boys look nothing alike. I think the main resemblance is between Noel and Cian which is something I am grateful for. It does my heart good to think that Noel can help answer many unaswered questions I have about our first born. Who knows really but it works for me so there.

With how I feel these days it's pretty clear an anniversary is bearing down on us. Cian's 5th birthday is March 7. The birthday is the hardest of all for me. Because it really marks the day that was the most life-changing for me, the best day of all. Every February the feelings of hope I had in 2006 are just so palpable to me. I think I am trying to get more comfortable with denial. I read recently it's not really any worse to deny grief than to embrace it. Cian turning 5. Wow. So hard to think of having a little boy ready to enter kindergarten this year - wonder where we'd be living. Cos I don't think we'd be living where we are - especially in light of the neighboorhood crime watch that is being formed on our street. Crimony.

But I digress.

These next few weeks are hard, on March 8th things will be a little easier, especially as we look forward to Noel's first birthday. Trying to figure out what we will do to celebrate - definitely won't have the huge party we had for Paudie, but we'll put something together. I have to say, raising Noel this year has been a wonderful experience. With Cian I had no idea what I was doing - and that was before he even got sick. Once he got sick, it really all went out the window. I'd never even given a child medicine before - I was a deer in headlights for the 7 weeks he was sick. With Paudie I was an obsessive, anxious, depressive mess that was still grieving for Cian and worried the same thing would happen. With Noel it's been a completely different experience marked by confidence, and what an enormous difference a little confidence makes.

So what else is happening? Paudie had a great Balentine's day as he called it. Lots of candy. Candy good. Noel is all up in Paudie's business these days which is driving him nuts - I do feel for the boy. All he wants to do is put a puzzle together or read a book or even drink some milk and there Noel is, in his face. And he's an aggressive little fella. He remains on the verge of walking. Like his brother before him, he can already open doors and pull things off of the counter. It's a whole new way of living all over again. Shutting the doors and gates, locking the doors and cabinets. He's at the stage now where the most fun best thing ever in the world to do is take things out of something and thrown them on the ground. I can't say I understand the fun in that but it does seem to be a universal desire at his age. It's exhausting though. For us mind you. John and I are always talking about how parenting would be so much easier if we were younger. Well easier in some ways I guess.

Okay so this entry is wandering off into extremely dull territory. Shocker. I think it's all the carbs I had this AM. Why can't I be the type of person who can haul her ass out of bed and exercise then have a high protein breakfast? There are some days at work I actually consider napping under my desk, there I said it. For the record, I have never done this. So I'm not quite George Costanza but perhaps not far off. Sad.

Friday, February 4, 2011

getting sick and tired of being sick and tired

Yeah, I'm Debbie Downer these days. Jealous?

And I know that my entry from last week was like, totally lame. Uninspired.

But that's me right now, uninspired. My corporate job has sapped me. I can't lie. You can only push a large rock up a steep hill so many times before it rolls you over. I think I might be there. And this isn't to say I don't enjoy the people I work with or flexing my problem solving muscles. But it's reaching that, "is that all there is" point. So I want to blog and be all witty and clever and talk about my wonderful children and their amazing little milestones but most days it just feels like I got nothing. And I can't even take the laptop out on the weekends because Paudie will stalk me. I guess I could try and be a little more inspired after they go to bed but truth be told, that is the time I sit on the couch and stare into space or watch semi-educational TV with my hubby. The lights are off by that point.

So I really gotta get out of this funk. I guess like 70 inches of snow isn't really helping. Look at P in his little igloo. Pretty sweet huh? Jaysus can you imagine having to live in that?

Noel is officially ten months old and a complete terror. I just got a message from daycare that he wouldn't nap and was screaming. When he is home, he is screaming. He has a set of lungs on him. He is also pushing around anything he can to try and walk. Highchair, cardboard box, anything that he can move across the floor that will get him from Point A to Point B without crawling really. And he is obsessed with the dog's bowls. And touching the toilet.

Paudie is also acting a little challenging these days. He is so jealous of Noel right now. I think it's because he is coming less of a baby and more of a toddler so he is getting a lot more of our attention and it is driving Paudie mad. The tears. The tears start and just don't stop. I worry he's not going to have friends because he cries so easy and so hard. But maybe that's just being 3 and really for our beneft. As we sit on the fence about having another, with them both screaming their bloody heads off morning and night, it's pretty hard to grasp. "It's just a phase" I keep telling myself.

Really I'm not this brooding depressive type. I guess I'm just overwhelmed by my life which I really wouldn't have any other way. I guess it's the whole balance thing with motherhood. Everyday is the same really. I wake at the same time and do the same tasks in basically the same order to leave the house within 90 minutes. Then I come here and angst all day over my rock and the steep hill. Then I go home and try to enjoy the loves of my life without thinking about the laundry to be done or toys to put away. Wash, rinse, repeat. I feel like life is passing me by with the rote nature of my days. If anyone is reading this and can share how they lept off of the hamster wheel I'd love to hear it. That is what I'm wrestling with. How do I make it stop? How do I get engaged in my life, a life I so desperately wanted and needed after Cian died and here we are and I feel like a zombie.

Or is this simply a mid-life crisis? Anyone who thinks wine may be an acceptable response please raise your hand. A lot of my friends seem to cope better with wine but see the problem is I've never really been much of a wine drinker. Feels good going down but the headache the next day is mostly always unbearable.

Blerg. It's just been a long week I guess.