Monday, August 24, 2009

three years ago today:

i changed. forever.
a room actually spun.
my son was nearly lifeless.
i had my first ambulance ride.
i saw my husband weep.
i felt both suicidal and homicidal.
i learned my son had cancer.
he got a balloon.
a nurse made me tea.
i laid awake on a pleather resource room couch all night.
i cried so hard.
i knew my son was going to die.
i actually thought - this isn't happening.
but it was. and it did.

today i am mom to another little boy.
he woke up damn near exuberant today, as if so say:
i'm here and i'm not going anywhere.
i'm healthy.
i'm a legacy.
today will be normal.

i miss the me of august 23 2006. the one who thought everything was going to be okay, no matter what the obstacle. it's hard to lose your optimism.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

where does the time go?

So not only is it August (sigh), it is less than four weeks till Paudie is 2. I cannot believe he is going to be 2! And he is really embracing his twoness. We don't really have any plans for his bday, going to be lowkey this year I think. Turning one felt like this incredible milestone - and I guess it was since we failed to get there with Cian - but 2 has a different vibe. I've lost a fair amount of my paranoia - today I actually bought him jeans that he will have to grow into. This might be the first time I've done that. It's as if I am accepting he is here to stay.

Last night Paudie found an old pacifier that he never used - he picked it up and said, 'bink.' I love it! I love he knows things that I don't know he knows! It makes me wonder what else is going on in that blonde little head of his.

We broke down and bought a tent topper for his crib in the hopes that we could get him back into it since the bed is a bust. Not happening. It seems he is permanently bunking with us. Maybe when he is a tad older we can sell being zipped in with mesh material as a camping adventure... but for now it just makes him scream.

We also bought him a small potty as he seemed to suddenly become quite interested in bodily functions. Not that I thought we would actually potty train, it just seemed more manageable than him constantly angling to sit on the toilet or... interupt others that are. So now he sits on his potty fully clothed and pretends to be going. I'll take it. He still refuses to acknowledge when he needs a diaper change - in fact he tries to cover it up. I know so many other kids his age who will announce their pop status and all but change themselves, but not Pau. He tries to keep it on the downlow but the smell betrays him. Oh, and he likes to look at it.

So life is pretty good right now I must say. Ear infection is gone. Bug bite we thought infected is better. Lots of teeth are still missing - hopefully those will appear someday soon - it's not a great look missing 4 of your front-ish teeth - I really just want teething to be done. It's been going on for ages it seems. But then that would mean he has to go to the dentist. I can't even bear to get him another haircut given the blood curdling screams involved with the last one. I think I may trim it in his sleep.