can we sleep now?

OMG. December has been overwhelming. Between all the shopping, wrapping and various festivities, I think our little family is drained. We have been on the go every weekend since Thanksgiving I think - a lot of this has to do with an obsession we have with getting Paudie to see and do as much as possible. All stems from losing Cian at such a young age. It's like we are blasting the child with Christmas spirit from a fire hose. He doesn't seem to mind really, loves to take it all in with wonderment, but I think he is as overtired as we are. Every morning he just lays on the couch staring at the TV with a blank look on his face, clutching his milk. We are pressed to get out of the house by 7:45 each day so we try the old 'okay then we're leaving now, bye' routine to get him up and going and most days he's like, whatev.

So things are winding down this weekend. We tried to do the Santa Claus thing last week. He wasn't having it. Wouldn't even get close to him - we settled for a high five. My iphone barely captured the moment. Sigh. This weekend we are catching up with some friends tomorrow and then Sunday... nothing! I am not leaving the house. I am wearing my PJs all day. I am not showering. I am going to epitomize a lazy slob.

We leave for an extended visit with my family on Thursday AM. This is the first time we have ever made the trip on Christmas Eve. Paudie is verrrry excited about going. Every day he asks to see his Uncle Doug. This morning he had a meltdown because we were going to daycare and not to see Doug. Paudie clearly is Doug's #1 fan. As is our dog Banjo. Anyhoo we will be in upstate NY for over a week. Santa is bringing Pau a sled so I am hoping for some snow - but not too much of course. You have to be careful what you wish for there in terms of winter weather. We really have no plans for when we are there. I am thinking lots of food, as much sleep as possible, a little shopping (we need some new ornaments!) and maybe the museum. For my husband it will be watching like 200 channels of cable, i.e., Fox Soccer Channel, and having late night snacks of pie, beer and shrimp.

So there you have it. The year is winding down and I feel completely burned out. But it's been a great year and I am really looking forward to seeing Paudie open all of his presents, as mostly boring as they are (whoo, underpants!). He has added 'Santa Claus is Coming to Town' to his singing repertoire (was previously limited to only Jingle Balls) and it's just the cutest thing. I will so miss all the light displays when they are taken down because he loves to admire them so much and point out all of the various santas and deer in our neighborhood. He is just content to drive around and look at them. Stuff like that makes me wish that '2' would last forever. That is until he smacks me in the face and tries to kick me in the stomach.

wahhhhh

Today's title refers to whining. Mine and/or Paudie's. In the last ten days or so, we have officially arrived at the terrible twos. I have to admit, for the last few months I've been thinking... this isn't so bad. Where is all the boundary pushing and general rottenness that I've heard so much about. Well it's here! OMG. How can someone who can be so loving and cute and awesome much of the time be so mean and obnxious... now much of the time! We get it in the mornings - refusing to get up, refusing to get dressed, tantrums at daycare dropoff - and we get it in the evenings with all the brilliant stalling techniques to avoid bedtime. And the little weasel has found his way back into my bed. Brutal!

We had a very busy weekend. Saturday AM was Paudie's cousin's 3rd birthday party, complete with music teacher. I thought he would be all over this since he loves music, but no, he wanted to hang in the playroom alone. My sis in law got him out, but he basically stood in the corner reading a book while most of the other kids sang and danced. Sigh. Then on several occasions I caught him taking toys off of the two younger kids that were there. My son, being a bully. Broke my heart. I know, it's his age and pretty normal, but still, it's disappointing to see.

Yesterday we hit the Polar Express train ride. Man we talked this up all week and he was super pumped for it. In return, Paudie would talk about the choo choo and the circus - not sure where that piece came from. Once we got on the train, he was all wide eyed and excited. Then he started to shove John away any time he would touch him. Wow did that annoy John. It's like Paudie was a teenager and John was parked outside the highschool honking his horn or something. Then we broke the giant cookie in half he got on the train as a treat. Well my god. This apparently ruined the cookie. Jaysus. The ride home was misery. We got in the car just in time to hear the Patriots lose, and then when I forced Purell onto Paudie's hands... mayjah dramaz. It's like, really Paudie? Really?? It has to be this way?

So there you have it. Just in time for the holidays, lots of tears and time outs at our house. Don't get me wrong, there are still bright spots. Last night John heard Paudie on his toy cell phone - he ordered a pizza with broccoli. An act that is both sad and encouraging all at the same time. I just want there to be more of those moments and less of the boundary pushing shiz, but I guess this is going to be how it is for the next 18 years or so. Sigh. It was nice while it lasted.

One last thing - about the photo. I have no idea whay Paudie's arm is all wet. I suppose it might have something to do with an act that preceded him pretending to cut Banjo's leg off.

tanks a lot

Today's title is in reference to my husband's accent that always doesn't yield an 'aich' sound - used to crack me up when he'd call someone a 'tug.' So here on Thanksgiving eve it's all about the thanks cos right now, this moment at 11:06 AM, I have much to be thankful for. Sure, a lot of things that I feel I got totally gipped (is that how you spell it?) on, but let's face it, for today, November 25 at 11:07 AM, things are good. I have a healthy, energetic son who is the light of my life and a wonderful husband who cooks for me and drives me around. My family is, for the most part, healthy - another year has almost passed and no major, or unexpected, crisises. I have amazing friends, a job that doesn't keep me up at night, a roof over my head, and food on the table. I have a little boy in heaven watching over me.

This year I am especially thankful to be staying put! No travel for us. We are doing dinner on our own for the first time ever. Hopefully the beast of a turkey John bought will defrost in time! I am looking forward to a really traditional, homecooked meal, and the start of the holiday season because Paudie is going to go full tilt this year, I know it. He is already starting to point out lights and Santa Claus. This weekend we will take him to a lighting display where we live and hopefully a parade welcoming Santa. We took him to that parade when he was 3 months old and I remember wishing we could fast forward time and be at a place that he would be aware of it and enjoy it - and here we are. The next few weekends are jampacked with fun holiday stuff. All makes me finally understand that Christmas is really for your children - finally some joy to all the running around and shopping.

So there you have it, an upbeat post from I, Eeyore. Hope you and yours have a lovely Thanksgiving and that despite what might be happening in your own lives that wasn't as expected or as hoped, you too feel blessed for the things you do have that make getting up every day worth it.

better every day

Awww. Look at that face! Funny how in a year we went from a cute and cuddly lion at Halloween to a spider. Though Pau wasn't exactly a scary black widow. I was so afraid he wouldn't wear his costume but he embraced it for the most part, and had a really fun night. We hit about 5 houses, but he was way more into actually handing candy out to the 100 or so kids that came by. During quiet moments he would yell, "Come on kids." He only threw the bowl on the ground once, and we got away with giving him minimal candy. What a great night.

While the title of today's post refers to my feelings on parenting, I suppose it could also refer to my feelings about myself right now. But the intent was to reflect how (warning: cliches ahead) every day we wake up and this bouncy little creature comes into us and says or does something completely unexpected and different than the day before. It's all such an adventure. Today John asked him "had you a good night's sleep" and Paudie replied "yup" without missing a beat. Every day it's something new and something brilliant. It's just the best and I just look at Paudie with wonder and think, I owe this kid so much.

The fall, though sort of bumpy in October, has been a lot of fun. Luckily we have all stayed healthy. I am very excited for the holidays this year - Paudie is all about decorations. Loves to point out lights and the large ornaments hanging from the mall ceiling. Along with high pitched squealing of course. I can't wait to see how he reacts to a Christmas tree, though I suspect between him and Banjo, there could be trouble. More with the latter. Knowing it will soon be card time, we decided we couldn't go without the boy having a real haircut any longer (the last and only was in May) so that was our Saturday outing. We talked it up and tried to get him pumped. We got to the place and had to wait 30 mins - kept him going with suckers. He was in a a great mood, running around and playing. We thought, could it be? Could he have grown out of his haircut fear? Then when the moment of truth came... screaming and tears. Paudie clung to John's chest. The woman perservered though and eventually Pau calmed a little bit. He ended up with a very cute yet surprisingly mature cut. I think he looks like he is 4.

Afterwards we went to the Cheesecake Factory which I thought would be a disaster because it was late in the day - and it was. Paudie was very poorly behaved. Would not sit still or eat. There was a couple next to us with a 10 month old (or so) and they just kept staring at us, particularly when Paudie threw himself on the ground and spit his food out his mouth. I wanted to say to them "HE'S ONLY TWO!!!!! He's just tall for his age. And has a mature haircut," because I felt like they were thinking, can't these people control their teenager? Strangers will ask Paudie his name and he just stares at them, no response. I guess I am being sensitive but I know kids who are tall/look older can be treated differently. Sometimes as I hear John trying to rationalize with him about something I think he even forgets that Paudie isn't really there yet.

But all in all, life is good at this moment.

Dinner for two

Was what we had last night - yes, for the 3rd time in 2 years, John and I had a night out. Okay so 90 minutes out. It was our 5 year anniversary and for the past four years we have largely ignored it and laid low, but given we now have a proven/neighborhood resource for childminding, we decided dinner was in order. Paudie barely batted an eye when we left - from the front yard I tried to peer through the curtains to make sure he was okay but couldn't see a thing. Note to self: leave curtains open a bit next time. We went to a restaurant about 5 mins from our house and try as we could to extend our night out, we were home 75 minutes later. Baby steps I guess - this time two hours, next time three. But I have to say, I now know a lot more about my husband's current job. Amazing what quiet/focused time can do for information gathering.

Last Sunday we took Paudie to a memorial service for the kids that died at Children's from cancer. We went two years ago but even though I knew what to expect - god I was a mess. An utter mess. Paudie wasn't having any of the service so John had to take him out - and there I sat alone, bawling. Hysterically. I didn't see anyone else as messy as I was - but man, the heartbreak in the room was effing palpable. Cian was one of only three babies remembered that day - really striking as to how little life he got to experience. And now this weekend we have a service for organ donors - the quilt his square is on is being displayed. So another messy afternoon I am sure - but that's what October is really about anyways for us I guess. There is definitely an element of catharsis to these events - really reflecting on what happened, why, where we are now - and is it where we want to be. That is the $50, 000 question.

And in all of this Paudie remains oblivious. The clinical staff that knew us at last week's event were thrilled to meet him - genuinely happy for us. But he doesn't have a clue. I think he thinks pics of Cian are pics of him. I often wonder what he'll do in school when he is asked to draw a picture of his family. I hope he includes Cian.

Onto lighter topics - Paudie is going as a spider this year for halloween. Well, that is the costume I have for him, it remains to be seen if he really wears it. It isn't a creepy spider, but you never know with this kid what is going to spook him. While he has interest in pumpkins, store halloween displays make him cling to his dad. I am contemplating carving a pumpkin this year - we painted a small one last weekend, but I think he could be really pumped for the carving experience. It's been ages since I carved. Hmmm. I know if I do, it will turn into a thing. And toddlers and sharp implements don't mix well. Do they still sell those safety carving knives I wonder? Though I really do want to kick it old school with the kitchen knife like Barb DeLee would.

more of that bittersweetness

Had a fine time with my family in upstate NY last week. We took in the Applefest - a claim to fame of my hometown - though it was crawling with people and bees. It was a quick visit and reminiscence. We also spent time with my mom at the nursing home where she won over Paudie with the likings of pretzels, crackers and cookies. And some broccoli. He gets that from his dad. Also went to a petting zoo where he squealed like a little girl at the site of goats and chickens, that he lovingly referred to as 'chicken nuggets.' Also got to visit a firehouse near my sister's place. He talked about the fire trucks all afternoon then when we got there - deer in headlights. Spent most of the time marveling at the small bus they had - I guess to transport firemen? Finally towards the end of the event we coaxed him onto the pumper and the above pic is what we got. Good stuff all around. The time always goes so fast when we are there but it tends to be very relaxing for me to be 'at home' and I so enjoy watching Pau and my family interact with each other.

Have to say he was a trooper for the 7-hour ride home. In great spirits the whole entire time. Perhaps he was making up for the 90 minutes of screaming on the way there, in the midst of really lousy, rainy weather on the very dark Thruway.

Since we didn't get around to getting a pumpkin in NY, due to the worst meltdown in Paudie's 2 year history as it was time to leave the petting zoo (he put Goose bay to shame), we found a fun little patch here and went on Saturday. They give you your own little red wagon to haul out into the field to wheel back your goods in. Paudie was all about trying to carry the pumpkins. He really does seem to enjoy moving and lifting things. Nothing makes his eyes light up like the notion that something may be too heavy for one person to carry. As we were leaving the farm he saw the hayride go by and was bawling his eyes out for 'tracka.' I made John go back, there I said it. I don't know - are we spoiling him by not setting boundaries? I don't think so. I feel like it is a tease to let a boy who looooves tractors see one go by with the $1 opportunity to hop on and not take advantage. It's not like we were avoiding it, it just never went near us the whole time we were there. As I was waiting in the car for the boys to come back I heard another mom say to he husband, let's get out of here before he (small boy) sees the hayride and that made me think - am I a softy? I guess yeah, I am.

Speaking of farms, Paudie is at another today with his cousins having what John says is yet again, the time of his life. Ugh, I'm so jealous! I want to have the time of my life nearly every day!

So it wouldn't be me on October 12th if I didn't take the time to point out that tomorrow is the 3 year anniversary of Cian's death. Three years. That means he has been gone about 6 times the amount of time he was with us. As you can imagine, that means memories of him are getting harder to hang on to, particularly because newborns aren't exactly creating indelible memories for their parents left and right. It's so hard. I miss him so much. But as I have said before, in some ways his passing was easier for me to grasp than his diagnosis. And it's not because I'm some overly religious type who thinks, 'oh now he is at home with Jesus.' Yeah, I know that works for some bereaved parents and I have no problem with that - but it doesn't work for me. All I know is that he was suffering dearly those last few days and all I could say is, give me a lifetime of pain and sadness to take away his. So that's what happened. The trauma was his diagnosis. The leap from thinking you have a perfectly healthy baby that is going to give you a lifetime of happiness (which in some ways, he did) to one that is terminally ill is much greater than the leap to death.

In all of this there is Paudie. Paudie who when he was mere ounces and centimeters pulled me up and out of bed every day. Paudie who when he says, 'bye mommy' to me every morning eradicates a fear that I once had of never being called that. Paudie is here because Cian is not. Not that we didn't want to have other children, the plan was always to wait till Cian was a year old before taking any of those steps. But we revised that plan and were given the most tremendous gift. Not that we didn't deserve it, but I'm not naive. Losing one child doesn't automatically qualify you for another - though it should.

I always feel much better when I wake up on Oct 13 as opposed to Oct 12. At least then it is here. And you face it head on. Enough of the anticipation.

the little deviant

Sunday we took Paudie apple picking with his cousins. I had to laugh at this picture because he looks like such a loner! So aloof! We've always joked that he has a fierce independent streak, likes to do things his way. As I looked closer at this pic, what really caught me was the satanic look on his face. Okay so maybe that is a bit strong, but he does kinda look like he could be in a movie about an orphan that wishes harm upon his parents.

The real excitement this week was getting a note home that there was a biting incident at daycare. Our boy = the biter. He had been biting us playfully at home earlier in the week - I thought it was just his teething as the missing teeth in front are still MIA but appear to be coming down. Apparently he was driving a car that one of the girls was holding onto and this made our boy none too happy. He had some good initial strategies with her - told her 'no' repeatedly, then tried to pry her fingers off of the car. We had to talk to Wendy about the incident the following day and she didn't seem too worried - thought it was better that he bit out of anger than just randomly, and besides, wasn't his first instinct to try and deal. John thinks he is just imitating Banjo as we have also noticed increased licking this week - my arm, the door - chewing on the baseboard, and attempting to drink out of his water dish. And eat his food. I just hope he isn't a biter. As a child my neighbor was a biter - that's just a bad scene.

We also had our two-year well visit last week. Paudie was almost hyperventilating in the car was we were parking - have never seen him act that way. He was a mess inside the office. He got two shots and a finger prick - calmed down somewhat after that, till the doc came in. Then the roaring started again. Even through the tears he was open to giving the doc 5 - so polite. Every time we are at the doctor and he acts that way I think, this boy could never deal with having cancer. Maybe Cian would have eventually acted that way, but man, Paudie HATES doctors.

As for vitals, he is 36.5 inches tall and 28 lbs - 97% and 50%. The pants situation is getting hard - needs 2-3T length and 12-19 month waist. So he either wears floods or droopy drawers. The poor thing. so much easier to just put shorts on him!