hi. i'm princess buttercup eloise of scottsville.

Since it's almost March I figured it might be time to emerge from under the rock I've been living under for the last 14 weeks. On November 17 we welcomed a baby girl into the world. And despite the fact that I was a ball of anxiety and stress during the pregnancy due to our move, my age, inevitable PTSD... (not to mention a labor and delivery experience from hell), she is a placid, sweet and very happy baby. A peanut compared to her three brothers - she weighed in at 7 lbs 12 oz. And continues to be 'average' as opposed to ginormous. I'm hopeful that this means she won't be amazonian as an adult.

So a girl. Yep. I call her princess buttercup but she's really more of a rapunzel since she spends all day long in a bouncy seat perched atop of our kitchen island. It's safest for her there. The boys love her sooooo much. And don't they have funny ways of showing it. I know she needs much more floor and tummy time than she's been having so we must adjust that in the very near future. Every time the pediatrician asks about that we just sort of smile and shrug.

Finding out I was pregnant with her last year was pretty shocking and I kept fretting over 'what if' given I would be pushing 40 - then there was also my absolute hatred of sleep deprivation. I know that no one likes to be sleep deprived, but I am particularly bad at it. But somehow we've made it through the newborn phase. It wasn't easy, but it wasn't all that nightmarish ever. I was so focused on Elle being the cause of sleepless nights yet the reality turned out to be that she was a good sleeper from the beginning and it was Noel that kept us up most nights. A menace that boy is. A blonde hair, blue eyed, dimpled and gorgeous freaking menace.

I will say that at this point in my life, despite feeling haggard, sluggish and dumber than ever, I do feel some peace about a few things. I remember right after Cian died I hung onto the notion of rebuilding our family. Of picking myself up, fighting back and having more babies - not that anyone could ever replace him, but in order to give him a sort of legacy and to achieve parenthood yet again. And I said I'd ideally have three more, right in a row. While that proved to be a little more challenging than I'd hoped or expected, we got there. It still stings like hell that in just over a week Cian will not be here for his 6th birthday, but to have these three other beings is something very special. They bring us comfort.

And to have made the move to NY is also something else I feel very proud of, that we set our minds to something and executed. Aw look, a work word. As I turn 40 this year despite that number making me cringe, I feel accomplished on a number of fronts. Sure there is still work to be done, but I've come pretty far given the hand we were dealt.

So here we are, in our pink house with our pink barn, couple boys, little girl and howling dog. In one sense I feel satisfied. In another sense I am horrified by the world we've worked so hard to help populate. Does it completely puzzle anyone else, the level of dialogue we are at right now in this country? It's 2012, right? Or is it 1812? Everytime I hear some dude on TV talking about birth control I want to punch him in the face. Kids are dying of cancer. Kids are dying in war. As a society we are fatter and sicker than ever. Life is hard. But let's rehash issues that I thought were settled a couple of decades ago. Let's go backwards! Or let's get a moon colony going. Let's do anything but arrive at decisions and policy that improve our schools, our economy and our healthcare. When I was little I was semi-obsessed with the possibility of Iran or Russia bombing us. In my mind the bomb would land in our front yard. I can't even imagine what my kids will obsess about.

Okay enough from the soapbox.

the storm before the stormier storm

There they are, our little darlings working on a jack-o-lantern last week. Paudie is quite angry with his little bro - shocker. It's so hard to believe that this could be the last week of sanity for awhile. And it's hardly sane here. But two months into the move, I can say that I finally feel as if things are settling down. How naive of me to think we would have been settled before this point. Paudie just went through weeks of horrible separation anxiety - he still has his moments but he's starting to make friends and things are feeling more normal. I thought 4 was going to be like a totally awesome age and instead it has me banging my head against a wall. Paudie is such a contrarian. Everything is a battle. I hope it's just a phase and him dealing with a transition into schoolage. I don't know. Then there is Noel. The little devil/charmer. He is physically strong and strong willed. And loud. They are opposites. On Halloween Noel was a party animal and P a party pooper. Paudie ran away from every person who approached our door scared out of his mind. Noel meanwhile greeted everyone, hello and goodbye. 'Hiya' he's screaming on the porch meanwhile Paudie is rolled up into a ball on the couch watching some preschool cartoon of sorts.

Paudie hates to eat. Part of wonders, does this child have an eating disorder? He is skin and bones. We give him food and he just ignores it and Noel comes along and takes it off of him and eats it. They couldn't be more different.

This all makes me wonder what we are in store for. I found out I was pregnant back in mid-March and while I can't say it was a shock, it also wasn't entirely expected. Between anxiety around my 'advanced maternal age' and knowing we wanted to move, I really was able to turn my mind off from it for many months. Pretty strong denial that has carried me far. But 38 weeks in, it's pretty hard to deny. I am trying to savor the last few days and weeks here because this is definitely it. I can't believe this is a fourth baby for us. I feel like, well actually I have been, in some stage of pregnancy or post or trying for 7 years. This is an end of an era. While I have no idea how we are going to handle another child, I am at peace with how it worked out. I hate being on the fence and this pregnancy pushed us off of the fence. It also will be pushing me back into a darker place in terms of anxiety about the health of the baby. Hell even now when Paudie tells me his legs hurt it's all I can do not to think Wilms tumor. Sigh. That's what I worry about the most, going back into anxiety mode. The flashbacks to Cian's first few months of life and all of the trauma that came with being his mom and dad.

Funny how life works out. 5 years ago we lost Cian and here we are about to welcome his third younger sibling into the world. This is a path he set us on. If you'd told me five years ago we'd be here, I wouldn't have believed you. At that point I felt as if I'd fell down the side of a mountain and was standing next to it staring up to the top feeling like any chance of getting back up to the apex was slim to none. Thankfully I can't clearly recall the amazingly horrible feeling of losing our parenthood for a year, but I do try and go there whenever I feel overwhelmed by what we have.

There's safety in numbers, I guess that's become my parenting philosophy. So no matter how sleep deprived I am, or how rotten Paudie is to us, or how many times Noel tries to headlock new baby, this is a good thing for us. This is all a tribute to the little boy who so radically changed and touched our lives.

Live from Scottsville N-Y

Yup, I'm resurfacing. It's been almost two months I guess. Two obnoxcious, nutty months. I remember feeling right before we moved that there was light at the end of the tunnel for the stress. Hah. See, we had a difficult seller that we were buying from that was really complicating the overall process... a difficult lender that wouldn't close on a loan with asbestos wrapped pipes... then there was us doing the move mostly on our own to save money... I kept thinking, once all this is behind us it will get easier. But it really hasn't. It just got different. So we made it - got the loan closed, got our trailer empty and belongings in the house with the help of Larry, Darryl and his other brother Darryl, but then reality set in. No fence for weeks, no routine for the kids for weeks... it was pure chaos here. And me working from the turret in the meantime. We finally got going with preschool and daycare... and the kids hate it. Both of them can't seem to transition well. Someone is always crying.

Then there is the house. Our lovely pink Queen Victorian. So far we've had four gas leaks fixed. It's like everything in this house that has anything to do with gas had a gas line installed unprofessionally and not to code. Who spends gobs of money on a fancy kitchen (crazy seller) and neglects something as critical as the things that could blow the house up? But I think we have the gas issues behind us. Now John thinks we have chipmunk issues. He stayed up with croupy Noel last night and heard all sorts of noises that he couldn't tell where they were coming from, in or out. So that's the next project.

I know, I'm sounding very glass half empty. That's me. But if I try to take a step back, it hasn't all been bad. It's great living in a larger house in a nice community. We came from a small city with a growing drug problem and declining property values and now live in a small farming village where everyone knows everyone. It's kind of cute really. Quiet, safe, clean air. Kids had been sleeping so well (until all the separation anxiety set in, and croup) which we attributed to much more outdoor time and better air quality. So I don't regret the move, I just wish we could get our rhythym. I had hoped it would happen by now so I could spend the next few weeks more relaxed prior to the arrival of #4, but I guess for now I just try and cope with a few steps forward and one back. Everyone keeps telling me the kids WILL adjust. The crying and tantrums WILL stop. So I go with it. And at some point the boxes WILL be all unpacked. So I go with the power of positive thinking to whatever degree a pessimist like me can.

And did you notice that it's a week before Cian's 5 year anniversary and I'm only now mentioning it? Pretty good huh. We've certainly had a few awkward moments meeting people. Why is it when you're pregnant everyone must know what number baby it is? I try to answer the question honestly without making the asker feel too mortified. But it gets tricky especially when the questions persist. "So is this your first?" "Nope (smiling)." "Oh, your second." "Nope, we have two little boys at home." "Oh, so this is your third?" "Well, no, actually it's our fourth but our first is no longer with us, we lost him to cancer." Skidmarks.

I will try and post some pics but you know how I am about that, delinquent. Just wanted to say that we're here and we're okay for the most part. It's certainly been nice being out of the city, away from traffic and closer to my family. I just long for the day that I finally say, "we're settled." The last time I felt so very unsettled was when Cian was sick and after his death (which this pales in comparison to of course) but it does take me back to feeling like someone is sitting on my chest/wanting to jump out of my skin. Similar ick, different degree. It's just hard being type A and being trapped in like a type F environment.

Well we're moving on up...

For five years John and I have toyed with the idea of moving to upstate NY where I grew up. I actually still have a sticky note on my desk from the week that Cian was diagnosed with cancer - on it I was writing notes from our nanny about what he had eaten in her care while he wasn't feeling good (i.e., had cancer) as well as two zip codes in Rochester I wanted to check out. After Cian died we were left to rebuild our lives. Back to work we went and started our family again. The years just sort of ticked by. We worked, had more children, settled into our home and our routine here. But we always thought it would be nice to be closer to my family, in a reasonable housing market where we could get a larger home and some land in a good school district. Well this year we finally put our money, literally, where our mouths were. It's been a summer of angst and stress but it seems we are almost there. The vast majority of our house is packed into a large trailer in our driveway. New owners are preparing to move into the house that my husband basically rebuilt by hand. We are going to be closing on a historic Queen Victorian in a small village 15 minutes or so outside of Rochester. It's all really happening. Shocking. It's scary and invigorating at the same time. Is this the right thing to do? Will we like it there? How will we survive the winters? When I start to panic, as I often do, I look at Paudie and Noel and think of our dear Cian and calm down because this move is all about them. And if nothing else, it feels good to act on the fantasy. You think and you think about the things you might like to do and then one day turns into the next which turns into a month and then a year and there you are, in the same place. I feel accomplished that we set a goal for ourselves and seem to be on the path of accomplishment. I wonder what this new chapter will bring for us - in the matter of a few months we are going to settle into a new home in a village we really know little to nothing about, and then welcome another child into our lives. I feel like somehow Cian set this all into motion and when I feel pain over leaving the house that he lived in with us, I just remind myself that he's always with me, regardless of where I am. So that's it, I'll undoubtedly be out of touch for awhile as we try and settle in (shocker I know). Boston gave me the best (meeting my husband and our kids) and the worst (losing Cian) times of my life - can't wait to see what comes next... hopefully more than snow.

out of control

That's me todya's title refers to despite the photo of a frosting faced Noel. Okay so maybe it's me and the kids and the dog but mostly me. I can't believe it's been over a month since I last posted. The past month has been consummed by real estate transactions. Our house has an accepted offer and will no longer be ours on August 23rd. It happened really fast, which I think was a good thing because if my mind could have really processed what it all meant, I might have jammed on the breaks. it's so hard to leave a house in which I did so much growing up. When we moved in John and I weren't even married. It was the house he rebuilt. The house we brought our babies all home to. The house we wept in. But we are moving on to a new chapter in our lives. One that isn't fully defined yet, but hopefully will be soon. Real estate transactions really make me nuts. From dealing with so many people who claim to have your best interests at heart but really only have their own, to lack of timely response, to gobs of money changing hands... it's all so nervewracking. I feel so ignorant and it's so hard to rely on basic strangers helping me get from point a to point b. Then throw in two small kids on top of it all... and another on the way... and it's like, what were we thinking? But hopefully we're just in the thick of it and it is going to get a little easier, soon.

I've lived in Massachusetts for 17 years. I have no idea where the time went. That's verging on half my life. God I loved it so much here as a twentysomething. And now as a married mama it just grates on me. The traffic, the cost of living, the accents. But we also have the ocean, the sports and liberal idealism. It's all sort of like a metaphor for my time here, the best of times, the worst of times. But this was the plan we'd set out for ourselves even before Cian got sick and it became more crystalized after he died and we were blessed with more kids. Our lives are all about them, what's best for them, what is going to be as close to pony rides and space camp as we can give...

pinto bean quesadilla

Yes it's sad when all you can come up with as a posting subject line is your lunch because 1. it is making your office smell and 2. it is repeating on you. A PBQ always sounds like a good idea and even tastes like a good idea as it's going down but about 30 minutes later, grodiness. To the max.

So I've been out of touch for about a month. Things are hectic. For once instead of talking a big game about selling our house, we're actually taking the steps to sell our house so that has been pretty consuming. It's amazing all the little tasks you have to do to get some curb appeal going on. But we're almost there. We also had a trip to Rochester a few weeks back to spend some time with my family and take a look around the place. Paudie and Noel had a blast - they always do. The drive back was a little nightmarish, but it always is. Why can't there be some alternate form of transportation? Snap your fingers? Click your heels? Wiggle your nose? 7+ hours in a car with 2 kids and a dog = mental exhaustion.

Have no pictures to post of the kids, well any that are ours anyways. Found this one of P from his daycare's FB page - he has a knack for finding snails. His eyes look so big and dreamy and almost cartoon-like in the photo. And he kind of looks like my mom which is about right since he frequently acts like her. He scraped his knees yesterday at daycare. Not a peep about it until he didn't want to eat his dinner and then you'd think someone busted his kneecaps with a baseball bat. The tears, the drama. The limping. He's been regressing lately and we're finding it hard to handle. The more communicative Noel gets, the more reressive Paudie gets. I try to see it from his point of view - Noel gets to do a lot of messy, destructive things and Paudie does not. Well it's not like we let Noel or encourage Noel to be aggressive and bull-like, but that's how he's wired and he's still too young to know better. Unlike Paudie, which is unfortunate for Paudie. Noel is a real sweetheart though even if he is a pure thug. He is starting to do some sign language and more mimicking of us. Last night he pulled a kleenex out of the box and blew his nose like a pro. His obsession with the garbage and the bathroom - yes the two germiest places in our house - continues. Will really be good to get over that phase but I give it another month or two.

We've also been busy getting ready for John's Training Wheels bike ride for Jack's Magic Bean Fund. And by getting ready I mean fundraising - John has made it out on his bike once since the last ride, last year. And that was two nights ago for 6 miles. But I know he'll be find, he always is. Procrastinating really works for him. I'm so impressed with our fundraising progress, the support we've gotten from friends, family and many perfect strangers who are moved by our story and the mission of the group. Maybe next year I'll get my arse up on a bike and ride along.

So that's the last month in a nutshell. Some day I'll post some recent pics of the boys. I just uploaded like 400 of them off of our camera but they haven't made their way to Snapfish yet. I'm telling you, wireless 4G memory card!

all outta ideas

Ugh it's like almost the end of May. For the love of god, where does the time go. The last few weeks at work have been crazy. I feel like I never even get the chance to get outside for fresh air these days which I guess is fine since it's mostly raining out all the time anyways. But it's hard to be so busy all day - mainly lots of meetings which if you knew me better than my occasional musings on this blog you'd know I generally don't like to focibly interact with people. By the time I get home I feel so spent - who doesn't though. Whine whine whine. Make it stop!

Yeah so life is busy. Busy here, busy there. But kids are great. Noel is such a little scoundrel! He's also s sweet boy who loves to hug and literally does a little dance in his crib every morning when I open his door. He and Banjo are the morning people of our house. The rest of us? Brutal. I so fondly remember sleeping in until 12 or 1 in my teens and twenties. Agh, good times. Now I awake at 5:45 for no other reason than to think about to-do items. Grim. I don't know what would be more pathetic to 20 year old me, the fact that I get up at 6 even though I don't really have to, or the fact that I go to bed at 9:30 cos I can't stay awake past then. I would totally fit in at a retirement village - that's a lifestyle I could get on board with.

Paudie has been challenging us lately. Noel physically challenges us. He is still obsessed with our bathroom which has a pocket door on it that he can now easily open. And like his brother before him, it's really fun to put things in the toilet. This week: a cup and a spoon. The spoon then made it's way into th eclean utensil tray in the dishwasher. Conamination! The garbage can has also been moved since it's also just as fun to put non-trash items in there. He just doesn't stop and has Jason Bourne like intuition and skills. He'll be completely engrossed in a bottle laying down and it will occur to him that minutes earlier he didn't hear the stairway gate click shut. He will expolit your every exhaustion induced oversight.

Oh, sorry, I forgot it was Paudie I was about to whine about. Paudie. Can anyone out there help me understand pre-school little boys and how their minds work? He has a penchant for grossness. Licking his feet after we take off his grody socks, licking food off the kitchen table. Then there is the awful humor. Like he puts the word 'stinky' in front of nouns on a pretty frequent basis and cracks himself up. And he's insanely jealous of his little brother who he feels gets away with a lot more than he does. True enough. This isn't to say I don't love him dearly because for all his behaviors that I don't get or I'm aching to modify, there is the sweet little boy who came to the eye doctor with me this week to check out the machines and was as good as could be. A lot of people tell me it gets easier when they turn 4 so we'll see. It's just so hard when you know you have an amazing, bright kid on your hands but you only get to see that person for pieces at a time, on his own terms.

I really hope the sun finds its way to the east coast because there are a lot of us that would really, really, really like to leave our house. I think Banjo is going mental. 6 months is a long time to be basically stuck indoors. I actually spend energy fretting that the entire summer is going to be cool and rainy. My seasonal affective disorder can't take it much longer. I'm going to get scurvy. There now you know the only fact I have retained from middle school health class.

Oh, and if the rapture really is tomorrow, we're convinced our dog will eat us. Starting with John.