baa

Ah March, the lion and the lamb. Here we are, on our way to April and today it's going to be lovely and mild - and I will get outside and experience it dammit. Then tomorrow the lion returns. Drat. It's funny how you managing through the winter is all about rationalization. If it's a blizzard, well maybe you don't have to go into the office. If it's just arctic, hey at least it's not a blizzard. When it's 30, you think, at least it's not arctic. But once you start to get a taste of spring, that all starts to go out the window. You are no longer grateful. You want 65 degrees every day, then 75 and 80.

I really don't belong on the east coast. I see no value in winter. I have no love in my heart. I do not ski, ice skate, or partake in any other winter sports. Oh, and I'm cold all the time. Like I probably have a circulation problem or something. I have a space heater on my desk at work that I use every day - it's about 6 inches away from me. I hate being cold. There are few things worse than feeling cold. So yeah, it's a bummer cos I don't see myself heading south unless I'm ready to trade in my car for a golf cart and have the grandkids down.

Still no pics of the kids. So bad. We have albums and albums of Paudie's pics. Noel, not so much. All of his photos live on our laptop. I feel like now that he's turning one it's time to get a nice picture taken of him like we did Paudie. He still has such a chubby baby face. He is not walking yet though trying to get brave about it. he also won't wave bye-bye but get this, I guess it's his first word. He always has a strong verbal reaction when we say it to him. So damn cute. Paudie was not really verbal like that so maybe he'll be an early talker. He's been staying up later - the past few months it was a struggle to keep him up past 7:30 - now he has no intention of going to bed before 8:30. Damn you daylight saving time. And he's super bitchy about it. Before we'd just put him in his crib and he'd turn over and go right to sleep. Now there is lots of screaming involved. Sigh. Could also be due to the transition to more table food. He seems to have a few faves - fish, beans. And Banjo loves Noel even more now. He parks himself under Noel's highchair as he eats and gets in on everything that fails to make it into Noel's mouth, which is substantial.

Paudie is definitely at that kids-say-the-darndest-things stage. This week there were two gems - "oh great. someone forgot to flush the toilet. (it was him). and "shh guys, i'm trying to sleep" - he came out of his bedroom and went back in. Okay so they really aren't the darndest things I guess, it's more his tone. Very serious and adult like. And he's taken to quoting "An Idiot Abroad" because he watches way too much Science channel. He must have said "congress tarp" 20 times last night. I couldn't even understand what Carl was saying but apparently P could.

You'd think being a semi-Irish family we'd have had some big St. Patrick's day to-do. But we didn't. Kids wore their Ireland rugby shirts. That's about it. No boiled dinner, no parades, nothing. The closest we came was an at-home Irish breakfast with some friends last weekend. Oh man, Irish sausage and puddings are some goooood stuff. I'm not a huge carnivore but damn, I like myself an Irish fry. Nothing beats being sweaty and dehydrated all day long after. The boys love it as well. I think if we lived in Ireland we'd have cholesterol and/or blood pressure problems for sure, though perhaps the thrill would fade.

There you have it, another riveting update. When I see all the chaos in the world, all the troubling things, I am thankful for our quiet existence. It's true I feel restless with where we are, but I appreciate all that we have and hope things improve for those living through just incredibly hard times.

i will be happy today.

Yup, still no pictures to post. It's been ages, I know. We never take pictures anymore with our SLR - John takes them all with his iPhone and I never even see them.

Today I am going to be happy. Because it's Friday and it's looking like a decent weekend. Because Noel is on the verge of walking which I find very exciting if for no other reason than I won't have to bend down to the floor as much to haul up the 28 lb bundle of joy that is wrecking my back. I do think once he walks, he and Paudie's relationship is going to blossom. They have been playing together a lot more lately. Gets a little rough sometimes - and more often then not it's Noel making Paudie cry. He doesn't know his own strength.

Spent last week with the fam in upstate NY. Noel reverted back to basically a newborn with his sleeping patters while there - couldn't seem to sleep more than 3-4 hours at a stretch, up at the crack of dawn each morning. Within about one day of being there, I was wholly sleep deprived. Between bad sleep and chasing him all over the most baby unproofed house, it was a rough week. We were able to get out to the Science Museum one day and it was totally empty so that was nice. Also hit the Children's museum which is like perfect for kids Paudie's age. Noel got in on some of the fun, but really everything is perfectly oriented for pre-schoolers. Also ate a lot of tasty upstate NY junk food. Schalers, Abbotts, DiBellas, Dinosaur, Zarpentines... jaysus it's easy to gain 5 pounds there. Plus hit Wegmans a few times. Such a great store - I'm so jealous of my fellow massholes who live west of 495 that will be enjoying a brand new Wegmans in only a matter of months I believe.

Given our sheer exhaustion all week, really made us ponder how we could ever manage having another baby, assuming that would even be possiblt. I think we realized we probably, realistically can't do it again. It's not even a financial thing or the notion of being outnumbered. It's that I'm sick of being tired all the time. I want a life back. But it's hard for me to come to terms with 'being done' because of all these pent up fears and anxieties I have about childhood cancer combined with prolonged grief from losing Cian. It's just this extremely complicated thing but I think I realized I don't want to be a miserable, tired mum. I need to enjoy what I have and be in the moment with it. But it's all easier said than done. It's a process for me to internalize it.

So got back Saturday evening, got a great night sleep (all of us did actually) - and my god, isn't it truly amazing what a great night sleep can do for one's body and mind? I think it is the best medicine. Had a quiet day Sunday to gear up for Cian's 5th birthday Monday. I thought this might be the year we involve Paudie, maybe get a small cake. But we just couldn't do it. I came to work on Monday, which was a first. And a mistake. I really had no right being here and my disposition and overall miserable attitude really showed it. I think it was the first anniversary I didn't cry - and that's not because I'm okay with it, despite my showing up to work, it's because I was completely numb this year. But it's behind us now and we are free of anniversaries for a little while.

Looking forward to a weekend witht the boys. 3 1/2 is such a great age, minus the occasional and horrible temper tantrum. We took P and N out for a walk last sunday as it was quite mild and there P is, pointing out conifers. The stuff pre-schoolers understand and maintain is just nuts. He's also really into watching Man Vs Wild. He's a riot. Likes to pretend he's Bear Grylls. Gets a total kick of out him. I know, not the most age appropriate programming but I think it's better than any cartoon. And Noel is Noel. Doing better eating tablefood though still seems to wear more than he ingests. He's starting to point a little bit, take a few steps here and there. Getting more interactive, playing little games like handing us things. Pointing the remote at the TV (sigh). I cannot believe he is one in only about 2-3 weeks, where did the last year go?

i am i said

That's a great Neil Diamond song. Not as great as America, but what is, really?

Don't have any new pic to go with this update. Please someone, a wireless SD card for our camera.

Am going to try to be more upbeat in my musings today. Because I'm sure that people who don't know me read this and think, wow this is one morose, sad, whiny woman. And those that do know me think, well they probably think they same thing. I really believe for the most part I am okay. It's balance. For me to get on with my life and be a productive part of society, a good mom, a... well, an employee, I can't let the grief off of its leash. It grounds me. And maybe I need to stop being grounded but it's a little too comforting to cut it loose. Because I know I can't get over losing Cian. That doesn't mean I walk around dressed in black crying like John Boehner, that just means there is a sadness I live with every day. That doesn't mean I don't enjoy life or laugh, it just means my highest high right now is let's say a 7.5 and not a 10. But I'm pretty happy with a 7.5. That is my cross to bear.

I think what people can't understand until they are in the shoes of a parent dealing with a terminally ill or dying child is that you would do anything to save them. Literally. If a doctor had said give us every single penny and we'll save your son, no brainer. If some higher power had said, mama, you take the cancer and we'll save your son, yup, that would have worked too. So when you actually live like that and ponder those types of things, when you are so desperate... how do you rebound from that once the inevitable happens? How can I care about money any more when I would have given it all away? How can I worry about death when I would have taken it to spare my son? This is just part of the mental damage you are left with.

I love my family. My living children saved me. I am thankful for every day that I feel healthy and wise. But I just can't and never will shake the grief. I've come to terms with that much.

In just over a week Cian would have been 5. I'm supposed to be the mother of a little boy starting kindergarten this year, instead I'm the mother of a little boy who was supposed to start kindergarten this year. After Cian died I thought I'd be some neuroblastoma warrior mom. I started an organization in his name to spread the word - the disease is out there and most docs don't have a clue what it is or how to diagnose. But then I realized, I don't know the first thing about the disease really. He was sick for seven short weeks, then he was gone. He only managed through 3 rounds of chemo. So what the hell do I know about this disease besides it is evil and should be eradicated post haste? Not much. I tried to go there, to learn more, to throw myself into the disease and I realized, I hate this little mf so why am I burdening myself any further with it? I hope Cian understands.

Ugh and that's another thing, living your life out with this sense of being watched over. WWCT? What would Cian think?

The other night I was out driving alone thinking about Cian and I had one of those, "did that really happen" moments? Did I really have a child and he died? Really, that really happened? To me? I think that's why I am fascinated by the stories of other bereaved parents. It helps me deal with what I'll call low self esteem that stems from his death. We brought him here to give him a great life and protect him. Fail and fail. And while I know it wasn't our fault and there was nothing more we could do beyond what we did do, none of it helps.

So this post didn't really turn out as positive as I thought it would - but really I'm okay. It's just late February, that's all. And this is all part of the lifelong healing process. I'm sure just about the time I've internalized it all, when it finally clicks, I'll be sitting in some SNF with diabetes, dementia and heart disease telling Paudie that my pants are too tight and that I need to go to the bathroom.

crickets.

Yeah I got nothing for a title today. I am completely out of any ideas and there is no general theme to this update I can try to work with. Happy it's Friday. Happy it's springlike out. Happy my husband told me I looked skinny this AM. Look at that, I'm actually copping to being happy!

This pic was taken late last week at daycare - was for our Valentine's day card. Cute stuff huh. To me these two boys look nothing alike. I think the main resemblance is between Noel and Cian which is something I am grateful for. It does my heart good to think that Noel can help answer many unaswered questions I have about our first born. Who knows really but it works for me so there.

With how I feel these days it's pretty clear an anniversary is bearing down on us. Cian's 5th birthday is March 7. The birthday is the hardest of all for me. Because it really marks the day that was the most life-changing for me, the best day of all. Every February the feelings of hope I had in 2006 are just so palpable to me. I think I am trying to get more comfortable with denial. I read recently it's not really any worse to deny grief than to embrace it. Cian turning 5. Wow. So hard to think of having a little boy ready to enter kindergarten this year - wonder where we'd be living. Cos I don't think we'd be living where we are - especially in light of the neighboorhood crime watch that is being formed on our street. Crimony.

But I digress.

These next few weeks are hard, on March 8th things will be a little easier, especially as we look forward to Noel's first birthday. Trying to figure out what we will do to celebrate - definitely won't have the huge party we had for Paudie, but we'll put something together. I have to say, raising Noel this year has been a wonderful experience. With Cian I had no idea what I was doing - and that was before he even got sick. Once he got sick, it really all went out the window. I'd never even given a child medicine before - I was a deer in headlights for the 7 weeks he was sick. With Paudie I was an obsessive, anxious, depressive mess that was still grieving for Cian and worried the same thing would happen. With Noel it's been a completely different experience marked by confidence, and what an enormous difference a little confidence makes.

So what else is happening? Paudie had a great Balentine's day as he called it. Lots of candy. Candy good. Noel is all up in Paudie's business these days which is driving him nuts - I do feel for the boy. All he wants to do is put a puzzle together or read a book or even drink some milk and there Noel is, in his face. And he's an aggressive little fella. He remains on the verge of walking. Like his brother before him, he can already open doors and pull things off of the counter. It's a whole new way of living all over again. Shutting the doors and gates, locking the doors and cabinets. He's at the stage now where the most fun best thing ever in the world to do is take things out of something and thrown them on the ground. I can't say I understand the fun in that but it does seem to be a universal desire at his age. It's exhausting though. For us mind you. John and I are always talking about how parenting would be so much easier if we were younger. Well easier in some ways I guess.

Okay so this entry is wandering off into extremely dull territory. Shocker. I think it's all the carbs I had this AM. Why can't I be the type of person who can haul her ass out of bed and exercise then have a high protein breakfast? There are some days at work I actually consider napping under my desk, there I said it. For the record, I have never done this. So I'm not quite George Costanza but perhaps not far off. Sad.

getting sick and tired of being sick and tired

Yeah, I'm Debbie Downer these days. Jealous?

And I know that my entry from last week was like, totally lame. Uninspired.

But that's me right now, uninspired. My corporate job has sapped me. I can't lie. You can only push a large rock up a steep hill so many times before it rolls you over. I think I might be there. And this isn't to say I don't enjoy the people I work with or flexing my problem solving muscles. But it's reaching that, "is that all there is" point. So I want to blog and be all witty and clever and talk about my wonderful children and their amazing little milestones but most days it just feels like I got nothing. And I can't even take the laptop out on the weekends because Paudie will stalk me. I guess I could try and be a little more inspired after they go to bed but truth be told, that is the time I sit on the couch and stare into space or watch semi-educational TV with my hubby. The lights are off by that point.

So I really gotta get out of this funk. I guess like 70 inches of snow isn't really helping. Look at P in his little igloo. Pretty sweet huh? Jaysus can you imagine having to live in that?

Noel is officially ten months old and a complete terror. I just got a message from daycare that he wouldn't nap and was screaming. When he is home, he is screaming. He has a set of lungs on him. He is also pushing around anything he can to try and walk. Highchair, cardboard box, anything that he can move across the floor that will get him from Point A to Point B without crawling really. And he is obsessed with the dog's bowls. And touching the toilet.

Paudie is also acting a little challenging these days. He is so jealous of Noel right now. I think it's because he is coming less of a baby and more of a toddler so he is getting a lot more of our attention and it is driving Paudie mad. The tears. The tears start and just don't stop. I worry he's not going to have friends because he cries so easy and so hard. But maybe that's just being 3 and really for our beneft. As we sit on the fence about having another, with them both screaming their bloody heads off morning and night, it's pretty hard to grasp. "It's just a phase" I keep telling myself.

Really I'm not this brooding depressive type. I guess I'm just overwhelmed by my life which I really wouldn't have any other way. I guess it's the whole balance thing with motherhood. Everyday is the same really. I wake at the same time and do the same tasks in basically the same order to leave the house within 90 minutes. Then I come here and angst all day over my rock and the steep hill. Then I go home and try to enjoy the loves of my life without thinking about the laundry to be done or toys to put away. Wash, rinse, repeat. I feel like life is passing me by with the rote nature of my days. If anyone is reading this and can share how they lept off of the hamster wheel I'd love to hear it. That is what I'm wrestling with. How do I make it stop? How do I get engaged in my life, a life I so desperately wanted and needed after Cian died and here we are and I feel like a zombie.

Or is this simply a mid-life crisis? Anyone who thinks wine may be an acceptable response please raise your hand. A lot of my friends seem to cope better with wine but see the problem is I've never really been much of a wine drinker. Feels good going down but the headache the next day is mostly always unbearable.

Blerg. It's just been a long week I guess.

the winter of our discontent, 2011

Some recent shots of the boys taken at daycare. We haven't uploaded photos off of our SLR in about six weeks. I like the photo of P because he has the cutest little nose I think. And Noel looks like such a doll in that picture even though over the last two weeks he has become tyranical. I don't know what happened to our nice placid baby. Ever since Noel started to be more independent he has become incredibly dramatic. Lots of screaming and crying, particularly when you take something away he wants or close a door. It's not at all becoming. I'm sure Paudie was the same way it just feels more pronounced with Noel since he has always been a happy go lucky kinda bub.

It's been three weeks since I posted. January has felt long and rotten. Yes I am aware that it was only weeks ago I was chomping at the bit to get past the holidays and into hibernation. But I've really been feeling sort of blah lately. Seasonal affective disorder? Maybe. Feet and feet of snow? Yeah that sucks too. I just haven't felt inspired to post. Boys are great. Really. Paudie continues to impress and amaze with his imagination, comprehension, vocabulary. So fun watching him develop. Noel is getting more teeth and working on learning how to walk. He's sleeping brilliantly - actually P is as well. Sleep really does wonders doesn't in? Nothing like a solid 8 hours. We've been trying to stay as busy as we can to help pass the time, burn the energy. Hit the Harvard Museum of Natural History a few weeks back. Not a bad little day out for the family. Interesting to see such an old school museum. Then this week John had the two over at the Museum of Science - he's brave going it alone. But they had a great time. I worried Noel was too young but he enjoyed the hands-on room for the youngins. John continues to be a wonderful husband and cook like every night and P has emerged as his helper. Or his hindrancer. P really can be an amazing kid but he still throws the occasional tantrum like nobody's business. Got to experience that last night about one minute after walking in the door after working late, taking the T and navigating huge piles of snow and slick sidewalks on the walk home. God I just wanted to turn around and walk out the door. I long for the day he is old enough to reason with.

Work has been steadily busy which is good for making the time pass faster and keeping my mind off of things that are sort of eating at me. I wish I would say all the busy-ness is from selling lots of product. It's not. But I do feel much more engaged in life when I am engaged at work. There's nothing worse than feeling unproductive and bored for 8+ hours.. Okay that's not true there are a lot of worse things but I do feel that when my mind is working well, I've got my lists, I'm taking care of business, that somehow it translates over to my personal life, like carry-over. I get home and feel energized to keep things moving forward.

It's almost 4:00 on Friday. Kids are at daycare and will sleep well tonight. I'd like to say I'm looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow but I can't think of the last time I slept past about 7:30. No real plans for the weekend - exactly how I like it. Oh - so John and I committed to trying to live on a budget this year. Ha! OMG - have you ever tracked every penny spent every single day? We are almost done with month one and it has been eye-opening. I really can't believe how much we spend but I really don't see where we can cut back. Food shopping and gas are where we seem to spend the most. I was thinking maybe we could become crazy obsessesed coupon people but the minimalist in me doesn't want to have shelves and shelves of toilet paper sitting in our garage. So yeah, a budget.

Happy New Year, I guess.

So in my last post when I was all, yay, about 2010 being a pretty good year for our fam but worrying that my premature good feelings about the year would doom me... let's just say I know myself, our life and circumstances that can't be changed a little too well. And that I'm just going to keep my mouth shut in the future. 2010 ended on a lousy note - the raison d'etre for this will reveal itself in future postings.

Lesson learned cosmos.

Today's pic is hot off the press. This is Noel at daycare this AM. Noel has a new obsession - standing. Noel cannot fall asleep anymore because he has to OCD stand. He can have one eye closed and be 90% asleep and he will still attempt to pull himself into a standing position. He perfected standing over our Christmas break in NY. He really gave us a run for our money. Waaayyy too much energy! Or maybe I'm just old and sluggish. But he's definitely in that stage of total troublemaking. No clue what he is doing - that you can't crawl down stairs head first, that kind of way. We had Noel at the doc this week for his 9 month visit, doc was impressed, said he's looking 'awesome.' Clocked in at 25 lbs and 33 inches - this is four lbs and two inches bigger than his bro at the same age. Such a big boy.

Even though both boys had irritating coughs over the holidays and even with the issue that shall not be named, we had a pretty good time I guess. Time away from work and routine is always cherished, though too much time away from routine makes everyone a little zany. One great thing about being in Western NY - no blizzard! How fun to watch the east coast blizzard on TV from the middle of a snowbelt and not have there be even one flake falling. So we didn't get to go sledding or build a snowman, but we did eat at our fave Rochester spots (Schalers, DiBellas and Pontillos) and hit Wegmans a few times. Visited with my mom at the nursing home - we found a small centipede (gross I know) under her bed so that was like 30 minutes of excitement for Paudie. As you can imagine or perhaps know from experience, pre-schoolers aren't wild about spending time in nursing homes. We got a lit of mileage out of the centipede - even talked him up the next day, saying we needed to get back and make sure he didn't find his way out of the trashcan we left him in.

Got back Sunday afternoon. Our car was jam packed. It was absurd. There are still toys and things all over the house. We have to get the tree down too. So depressing to un-decorate. So yes this weekend will be about trying to take control back. Blerg.

One more cute kid thing to share. Paudie has a new thing - it's called, "right Mom?" He makes a statement and it ends with 'right mom?" A statement that is true. One that is clearly false. One that makes no sense at all. Doesn't matter, he defers to me. Makes me feel all-knowing and wise. He has also developed an obsession with "How It's Made" on the Science channel. Doesn't matter what is being made, he will watch it. It is like some huge treat for him to be able to watch it. He barely watched any cartoons or kiddie TV in NY, was all about How It's Made and Factory Made - let's face it, they really are the same shows.