Can you feel the love?

Paudie is still adjusting to Banjo. The love-hate is still ongoing. Banjo is still pooping in only 3 places - our house, our car, or a one-square foot area of flower bed in our backyard. Clearly, much work to be done. The biting and chewing and nipping are showing no signs of alleviating, but I am getting decent exercise from the amount of times I have to get up from a seated position to retrieve something from Banjo's mouth that really shouldn't be there. This week I actually wa successful in forcing him to spit his own poop out (this was outdoors at least).

Paudie is a trooper. I think he and Banjo will be great friends. Someday.

Hard to believe our boy is going to be 21 months old next week. His language is coming fast now - even Wendy comments on how he is doing a great job stringing words together. Of course I have no examples of this at the moment. He still refuses to say yes or nod his head, and he still prefers to keep the presence of poop in his diaper to himself - though the smell continues to betray him. He continues to be fascinated by water - turning on taps, playing in the dog's water - last week he darted into the ocean down at Wollaston Beach - gave us a scare. And John very wet pants and shoes.

On Sunday we went to New Balance and Pau was on fire - screeching, running around the store, saying hi to people. One elderly man commented on him being very social. By the end of our trip, he noted that we seemed to have our hands full. What does thay say about us, or rather me since John was shopping and I was in charge of wrangling? I mean, he is only one kid. You think I can't handle that? heee. I totally can't! To pass the time I tried the most awesome pair of Elmo NB sneakers on Pau and angsted over if they were worth $30 or not. It's crazy - you have a kid and it's all about their fashion and looks and meanwhile you're wearing aging flip flops and scrapped up clothes. I passed on the sneakers - we had just bought two pairs the day before and John was mortified I was seriously considering a third.

Here's hoping the New England weather turns soon - this week has been cold and wet and depressing and not conducive to burning off toddler energy. Very conducive to conserving my energy though so there is the tradeoff.

... and Banjo was his name-o

Wow, almost a month since my last post. Where does the time go?

Really the last few weeks have been consumed by the newest addition to our family, a 5-month old beagle/springer spaniel (or a springle - yeah I made that up) pup named Banjo. We had been casually talking about getting a dog for Paudie since he is so crazy for them and we liked the looks of springer spaniels. Saw Banjo on Petfinder - he was in Alabama but being adopted to the New England area via a group in Maine. I filled out the app more or less on a whim... then BAM, Banjo is ours. Actually, his name had been Connor - when we asked Pau what he wanted to name is doggie, he said something very close to Banjo - which is a fitting southern boy name.

So Pau and Banjo have an interesting, love hate relationship. Banjo is a very bitey, chewey dog. He especially loves to nibble on Paudie and boy, can those teeth hurt sometimes. So there have been tears between the nipping and the occasional knockdown. I feel as if we are going through the baby proofing process all over again as newspapers, cups, clothes, shoes... all these things we were finally able to sort of leave out at will all are being placed out of reach again. In fact, our house is starting to look like a couple of minimalists live there.

Banjo's presence is having some interesting effects on Pau though - in a good way - so no, it's not all tears. For the first few days, Pau definitely had issues with his alpha status in our house. He was shocked to see his parents tripping over themselves to pay attention to someone else - even if it was all screeching not to pee or poop under the radiator. So in the beginning there was some cute sort of acting out - look at me mom! In the past week, that has translated into more verbal communication. It's very cute. He continues to say hi and bye to anyone who will look his way - including neighbors we have never spoken to in our lives, a gas station attendant and a creepy man wearing a wife beater and sweeping the sidewalk in Arlington. His speech is also getting clearer.

Beyond Banjo, not much else going on at our house. That is enough. I really wish I were a heartier person that could take on more than a toddler and a puppy but sorry to say, that ain't me right now. The bar is very low. I sometimes feel like I am elderly. Like I look back on things I did even a few years ago - travel for work as one example, and am all, oh the things I used to do, the places I have been. I hate it. Why can't my constitution pick up a bit? I am hopeful that summer will bring out more energy and that perhaps I'm just in the dumps from the cool spring weather.

Have some nice shots of the boy and the dog, will attempt to post soon. But you know I can't really do more than like one thing a day right now. Maybe I should look into coke.

pass the ketchup

So last week we had a radical discovery at the dinner table: P likes ketchup. No, wait... P loves ketchup. He is a dunking fiend. We realized this during fish sticks, which is semi-plausible, but since have translated it to really any meal. Last night it was just P and I and he was struggling (i.e., chewing/spitting) with his chicken, peas and wild grain rice meal - so over I went and grabbed my red friend. Squeezed on some condiment and he was good to do. Was even saying 'mo kthecjejop' at one point. Which I translated as 'more ketchup.' Is this bad? I know it's high in sodium, but he eats so much better with it. Then I recalled how I used to eat macaronis and ketchup so I guess it's true about the apple and the tree.

We did spend last weekend in upstate NY with my fam. We left late Friday night, got in at about 2:00. Pau slept the whole way. It was all I could do to keep my eyes open. How on earth did I used to stay out till all hours I ask you? The weather was gorgeous - we hit some playgrounds and then Zarpentines for all u can eat pancake breakfast. Good stuff! After a nap... more playground over by my sister's house. It was a great day until about 7 PM when we realized he had a fever... then came the croupy cough. Sigh. It's always something with these kids I tell you.

Sunday we hung around the house, went to Wegmans of course. Pau's fever was in the 103 range in the afternoon so w ehad to up the medicine. Was still not great Monday so we laid low again. We left Tues AM, stopped at Lollypop Farm on the way to check out the dogs and farm animals. Was very nice that day - we had a great time looking at the animals. Will post some photos of that shortly. Pau was a rock star on the return trip, just watching videos and dozing. Has been sleeping well, in his crib, since we have returned. Oh, and his missing top tooth finally appeared! I know it was the culprit behind the tears...

Just talked to John - Paudie and he have been gardening like fiends. John compared him to a dog - apparently he likes to roll on the ground and cover himself with soil. There he is taking a much-earned break:

well hello handsome

A pirated photo from the session last week. How cute is Paudie? Come on, he is like, baby clothes catalog cute.

After my posting last week a good friend emailed me and suggested perhaps I might experience better living through SSRI chemistry. Sort of made me think 1. hey, not a bad idea, and 2. I guess I can come off as a real mope sometimes. Did you know that mope means most-oppressed-person-ever?

So I'll try to keep it light today. The river of tears continues at our house. In talking to some other people, I guess it's what happens when you have children of a certain age. 18 months. So even though I think it's a lot of teething at once that has master P down, I guess toddler is as toddler does right? He needs more attention now and can't articulate why. So we are rolling with it. In other news... Paudie's chewing and spitting out behavior seems to be intensifying. It's like the Sex and the City episode where Miranda's date just chews his steak then politely spits it into a napkin. Except Paudie spits it down his shirt and on the floor. I have not heard about this from Wendy at daycare so I presume it is something special for John and I. But it certainly isn't going to get him out of his 50th percentile weight. I just wish for once I could see him eat a meal with gusto - actually, on Friday night he did pretty good with a slice of veggie pizza. I sawr some gusto there.

Easter was pretty lowkey. We did do an egghunt at a church in our neighborhood that claims to have had 10,000 eggs sprawn about. Of course you had to sit through about 40 minutes of singing and marketing for 5 minutes of egg hunt, but Paudie did a great job - I trailed behind with a bag. Good thing I noticed kids running by our house with bags the morning of or Paudie would have been only able to get about 5 eggs between my handbag and pockets. I have to admit, he did have some chocolate that day. I can't believe I, who was raised largely on soda and junk food, have any guilt about sweets. But I do have a little. But the boy likes his chocolate. In fact, his diet seems to be taking after mine. Pizza and chocolate! Hey - at least I'm not giving him coke in his sippy cup right?

Words are still few and far between. His interest in books continues to be steady. Paudie now likes to sit with adult books (usually upside down) and turn the pages, speaking out loud in his own language as if he were reading. Miss Wendy says he is quite a bookworm at daycare as well. That makes me happy to hear. Next stop - baby can read!

We are aiming to visit my family in NY this weekend for a few days - let's all pray the weather is decent so we can have outdoor time. As you'll recall, my parents' house is chock full of knick-knacks and what have you and frankly, they are both set in their ways so to see something out of place seems to really annoy them. For example, if Paudie takes the remote control and presses it (a major no-no given how convuluted the media system is), I will place it high out of his reach. Hours later, it will be back on the table. Paudie will take it, press the buttons, irritate my father, and I will place it high out of reach. Wash, rinse, repeat. Good times!

tears tears and more tears

That about sums up the past week or so of Paudie's life. Lots of crying. Crying at bed time, crying in the middle of the night. Crying during dinner prep. Crying at the photographer's. There is also a lot of hand chewing going on so I don't know if it is teeth pain behind all the emotion, his runny nose/head cold, his age or what but it's been brutal. And to make matters worse... he won't let me console him. Only John can do that. Sometimes if I even touch him to say, take his shirt off or change his diaper, that initiates the crying. The whole thing has me somewhat frustrated - I don't know what is wrong and I apparently am not equipped to make it all better. He seems to be doing well at daycare, which I guess is a good thing. But it's like lately, from the minute he gets home until he falls asleep, there is as much sadness as happiness from Paudie. While this doesn't wound me deeply, it just makes me wonder what is going on for him.

As mentioned above, we tried to do the Portrait Simple bunny photo session yesterday. He was a mess - Paudie, not the bunny. Lots of snot everywhere. Clung to John. After 20 minutes the very patient photographer finally was able to get some snaps in - though his hair, which is in need of a trim, was a holy show by the end of the tantrum. Once the bunny came out, Paudie lit up. Kissing the bunny, holding the bunny - an ear-to-ear smile. So I can't say the whole experience was completely worth the $80.00, but at least he got a few minutes of bliss which of course made our day.

Once we got home, Paudie helped John assemble a new cabinet from Ikea. Okay so helped is a strong word. At one point John said Paudie was like an assistant and I said, yeah a really bad and stupid assistant and he (John) seemed really offended by that. For the record, I was not referring to my child as those things - come on, the child is freaking golden. But really, if you had an assistant that tried to stand on a pane of glass as he was helping to make a cabinet, or one that was intermittently folding your laundry/throwing it in the trash bin, you would fire that assistant or at the least tell your friends that said assistant was bad and stupid.

As Paudie matures, I see a lot of parallels between he and Curious George. Yesterday he emptied our cupboard with all of the mixing bowls and baking pans - he put the largest one back in first in such a way that the door wouldn't close. He just kept slamming it over and over, taking the occasional pause to throw another bowl into the mix, then back to the slamming. As if sheer brute force would yield the desired effect. Has George written all over it.

Hoping for some decent weather next weekend so we can have some outdoor time - makes such a difference. I never paid much attention to the 4 playgrounds that surround our neighborhood but man, what a gift they are. I am so pumped for summer - even the fact that the boy won't have to wear a coat, which is one less battle to deal with, has me infinitely excited.

So that's the latest. Paudie is emotional. Is an interesting contrast to his ma who still marvels at the degree of numbness still cascading over her.

badoggies and other things

Here it is March 20. This means we are now past Cian's 3rd birthday and the plane rides to and from Ireland are a thing of the past. The jetlag really helped me cope with the birthday this year. I was honestly too tired to bring myself to a bad place over it mentally. And like I always say, it is the weeks and days leading up to it that are much harder anyways. The plane ride over to Ireland wasn't great - well it was great in that it was half empty and we got in an hour early (as opposed to like 10 hours late) but Paudie struggled. I think his ears were at him, and he was completely overtired. He got about 2 solid hours of sleep, 2 not so great hours, and 90 mins of crying. He slept the 2.5 hour drive to Cork.

The highlights of the week were the farm animals. The 4 dogs pictured above, the cows, the cats. Every morning Paudie wanted to go outside and see the badoggies. If he didn't get his way, he was kind of a little biatch about it. He wasn't as much as a terror getting into things around John's mum's house as I thought he would have been - was actually really into the lego blocks and action man/ken doll like toys she had. We spent most of the week with John's family - Paudie has lots of cousins in Ireland, a few not much older than he is. He was on a high. One night we were at a party at his sister's house and she brought ou trays of pringles and the little devil was eating them by the fistful. After I cut him off, he was scrounging for scraps on the floor. That's our boy! (I tried to insert the photo here but blogger stuck it up top).

The first two nights were bad in terms of his sleeping, but by Monday night, we had him on track largely thanks to his father's persistance in getting him to take a decent nap. The 3 of slept in a double bed the first 2 nights - not a good scene. But by Monday night, he was into the porta-crib. He was also good about wake up times - anywhere from 7:30 - 9:00. All in all, he travels well.

Another fun thing we did was go to the Model Railway Village in Clonakilty. It is so damn charming - all these little reproductions of nearby villages from the 1900's along with about 5 or so different trains going around. Will try to insert a picture: Okay that one went up top too.

Other highlights of the week... looking at the calves, some fancy meals out and his ow 9 euro fish and chips lunch, buying new wellies, eating lots of things he normally wouldn't eat, throwing a small ball around the airport/playing catch with strangers. Paudie definitely seemed to mature last week. More chat out of him. And when we got back on Sunday, the kids across the street were playing next to our house - Paudie went right over and took the basketball off of a 5 year old. That's our boy!

The sleep schedule this week has been not great. He was up at 5 on Monday and Tuesday. Ugh. I guess my clock was sorta screwed up too so I didn't mind as much as I normally would have. On St. Patrick's day he was decked out in green. They had a party in daycare - the leprechaun's painted their tongues green. Perfect for his 4:15 doctor appointment that day. As per usual, the boy totally lost it. Even in the waiting room he was starting to get pensive. We learned that he is now well off the chart for height, and down to 50% for weight with his 26.1 lbs. Hopefully now that we are home and things are quieting down we can try to get him to eat a little more.

The weather is starting to turn more tolerable - I think the snow is over and out. Paudie is really into the playground right now - there is one by our house that he has only been to once - we drove by the other day and the neck was craning like mad. I am looking forward to getting him outside because this winter has seemed eternal. Do they actually get worse every year, or as we get older, do we just become less able to cope?

love me some ptsd

Some days I really question my ability to be the best mom I can be. I know the whole bereavement thing is an enormous handicap, but still, my philosophy is that you can overcome so much in life. Unless you are me, and it has to do with the health of your only living child.

We are off to Ireland tomorrow night. We were also supposedly off to Ireland on Friday Augst 25 2006 but that didn't happen since we had just been admitted to Children's Hospital the day before. That all started with a presumed ear infection on Monday the 21st. When Paudie came home from daycare on Monday he wasn't right, and had a fever. So off to the doctor go we, and my zombieness/PTSD starts. It is intensified when doc isn't even sure Paudie has an ear infection as his right ear only looked minorly irritated. He gave us a presecription anyways. My this all sounds and feels familiar. I think I am exagerating some, but still, can I just get a break and stop feeling like I might be on the verge of reliving some horrible experiences?

Did I mention Cian would have been 3 on Saturday? So yeah, this is a bad week. As I have said many times, it is harder to anticipate an anniversary than it is to, well, just live through the day. And we have three of them each year that will forever make me feel like ... well just really unhappy... for the rest of my life I am pretty sure. The weeks leading up to an anniversary just suck. It just sits in front of you, dark and looming. For the past several weeks I have found myself thinking about the excitement and anticipation I had leading up to Cian's birth - how foolish I feel for thinking it would all be so great. I guess it was, but boy, was it shortlived.

But then the rational part of me kicks in and says, you know dear, you wouldn't have Paudie if you never lost Cian. And can you imagine your life without that blonde ball of terror and energy? Hell no I can't.

Anyhoo Paudie is on the mend - fever broke yesterday and he was back to Wendy's this morning. I have anxiety about him having ear pain on the flight, but fingers crossed he will be great. We bought him his own seat for this one even though we didn't have to. Just couldn't imagine holding him for 6 hours (or 12 should there be a medical emergency). I am very excited for him to see all of his Irish cousins - he is going to have a blast with them.

So we are honoring Cian this year by taking the trip he never got to - and we will continue to honor him by enjoying ourselves and the gift he gave us.