Sigh.

Life is funny. So my last posting I'm all sad about missing Paudie, the daycare situation and the impending two-year anniversary. Well, little did I know that only days after posting I'd be thrown back into medical crisis mode. My father had his foot amputated Friday morning (and for anyone reading this, my mother does not know the extent of the surgery - we will tell her at some point soon). What started out as an infection on his little toe which was initally amputated Sunday started to spread and by Thursday it was a life or death situation. So off to Rochester we were on Friday. Not where I wanted to be for the anniversary and not the circumstances I wanted to be managing. But such is life. We came back yesterday and I am exhausted on every level. The weather was amazing, and we got to eat lots of apples and appley things, in addition to Schalers, DiBellas, Pontillios and a Wegmans trip or two. We tried to make the most of it, but it was hard. Paudie was absolutely out of control. 4 days in a non-baby proof environment was almost more than he could handle. His favorite moments: stealing my mom's cane, over and over, as well as her $3 Walmart clock that she is obsessed with. He played well with Lucy, and enjoyed walking her. He also enjoyed spilling her water dish no more than 15 times. I thought I'd lose my mind by last night. Between trips to the hospital, chasing him, dealing with my mother... It was a lot. But I'm glad we went and that my dad got to see Paudie, I hope our visit lifted his very down spirits some. As for me, I couldn't even attend to Cian's anniversary which is hard thing to admit, but it's the truth. It's like on Cian's first birthday, I spent two days in the hospital for gallstones, at pain level 10 for most of it. I think he forgives me.

Times like these make me really appreciate the drama free days that feel like nothing and blah. Like today. I am sitting at work and it is just quiet. Almost peaceful.

I wonder how Paudie is doing back at daycare. He was not a happy camper when I dropped him today. I think it is going to take a few days for him to get back into his routine.

snotty nosed kid

Paudie has his first cold. 5 days into daycare no less. He has been a real bear of late - mornings are the worst currently. Plus he is throwing temper tantrums. Did I mention this all started only 5 days into daycare? Sigh.

I know it's all an adjustment, for all of us. It just sucks. I guess the honeymoon period is over. Man that was quick. I worry about how he will adapt to napping and sippy cups. I am anxious that I don't know what he does all day in detail. I hate that I miss the best parts of him. Right now I might see him for a few mins in the morning (or not at all) and maybe 2-3 hours at night - and what fun hours they are. Last night there was lots of crying, screaming and throwing himself down on the ground. Good times!

I'm not going to lie. This is a shit time of the year for John and I. I'm sure the fact that we are thinking about Cian and his treatment and death are shading my feelings about daycare and Paudie's day-to-day life. That I hate that I am here at work while someone else is playing with him - but it doesn't bother him, he is quite happy. It's hard to reconcile this feeling of I'd-give-anything-to-have-Cian-back yet here I am away from my living child for 40 hours per week. And I'm not exactly saving the world or do-gooding. Today I packed boxes of tradeshow materials.

I think I need some candy or something to lift my spirits.

all growned up

At least that is how it feels this week. Paudie started daycare. I really didn't have any angst about putting in someone else's care, surprisingly - the provider seems excellent - very nice, very on top of things. The daycare is in her home, two streets over from us - very convenient! I was most worried about how he'd deal with table food and a regimented nap schedule (one two-hour nap later in the day - as opposed to two shorter naps, one had been in the morning).

According to Wendy, Paudie is really thriving. He plays with the other kids, he eats his lunch! He naps in a crib!! This is all shocking to me! Yesterday's report slip said he ate his whole lunch - fish sticks! It is mindboggling. The child that wouldn't eat anything is now eating. Even at home, he is eating. It is remarkable. And dumbfounding. Soon he will emerge from his 43 percentile weight status!

The napping situation isn't all that great, but he is sleeping - just not as much as she'd like him to/he needs. But I think we'll get there. But in another shocking turn of events... he fell asleep in his porta crib last night! Granted it only lasted two hours and then he was back with us, but still - the progress in shocking.

The most surprising thing to me of our new routine is that when we drop him off at daycare, as soon as he enters the door, he's off and playing, exploring. No wistful glace, no pulling at our legs, no tears. Nothing. He's over us!

And he's getting another tooth. And he said his first word: Book. What the hell is that about? Where did that come from? Is he intellectual? Cos he certainly never sees us with books - magazines, yes - a remote control, for sure. But books? Never. He himself has a large collection of books cos I read that's all good for kids- I guess so. He still doesn't really say mama or dada, but if we ask where the baba is, he'll point to a photo of Cian or of himself.

So there you have it. Our boy is officially one, officially social, officially eating and offically bored with us. We knew it wouldn't take long.

Oh, no need to call DSS on us - we usually are quite stern and scolding when Paudie hangs off the stove - but it wasn't on and John thought he'd capture the moment just once...

We made it...

One down, many many many more to go.

Some pics of our boy from his dig day - it was the best day ever. Weather was perfect and we had a blast visiting with friends.

Paudie was a superstar.

He wasn't as keen on the cake as I'd hoped for - he was more interested in smooshing it in between his fingers than on his face, but he enjoyed all of the attention and lovely gifts immensely. I am glad to say I was able to compartmentalize the yuck for the night before and the night after - this allowed me to be in the moment with Paudie, a moment we'd waited a long time for. It's been the best year ever - he gives us so much joy and hope. I can't wait to see what this year brings...

beach babe

Okay so yeah that's a crappy picture and yeah it was taken with a camera phone - you wanna make something of it? Damn, why can't I get decent photos uploaded? We got our camera back last weekend but getting the snaps off of the memory card is a whole different story. Damn I am a crappy mom for this stuff. I would never do for a Parents magazine type article. I must improve my mommyness!

This was taken Monday at Wollaston Beach - yes we live 3 blocks from the beach and September 1st was our only family beach trip for the summer. Losers! Paudie had fun, trying to chase the seagulls, flirt with the lifeguards and play with a little boy sitting next to us. Or rather, ruin said little boy's beach time by attempting to take all of his toys from him.

Sunday is Paudie's bday and of course we are probably going to get rained out. Twenty-someodd people in a 1920s colonial - good times! Anyhoo, it will be fun no matter. We are very excited to have made it through the first year, one that was largely uneventful, in a good way. To celebrate his big day, we had a portrait taken - I was a anxiety ridden stage mom. He was incredibly charming and poseur like, but I felt all this pressure for him to perform. Yuck. A whole new side of me emerged. I must squash her.

We are gearing up for Paudie to start daycare on the 15th. He had a visit there earlier this week and I was happy to hear that he jumped right into the mix with the others, though there was an incident involving another boy and a red car that basically mowed Paudie down, to the chagrin of John and the daycare provider. Paudie was quite upset. He's really gonna have to grow some thick skin I think. We shall see... I hope it all works out (for all of us).

Reflecting back on the past few weeks, Paudie had a blast, spending lots of time with his dad, his new babysitter Kate, and lots of family from upstate NY and Ireland who came to visit him. He is also starting to really mingle with his 3 cousins who live nearby - I think his ability to walk, and destroy, has made him a real person in their eyes.

A full account of the bday along with photos will be posted next week - oh yes they will.

As I am getting ready to close this posting out, it occurrs to me I failed to acknowledge that the 24th marked the two-year anniversary of Cian's cancer diagnosis, aka, the worst day of my life. I think people are often surprised to hear that I view diagnosis as harder to cope with than the day he actually died, but it is true. I had accepted his death was an eventuality in my lifetime in the weeks leading up to his passing - his diagnosis on the other hand was a freight train out of nowhere. It's a very hard anniversary to deal with - and these 7 weeks in between the anniversary of his death aren't exactly easy either - I think that's why we have Paudie to celebrat right smack dab in the middle. He continues to keep us going... I wish Cian were physically here on Sunday to sing to him, but there is no denying his spiritual presence in Paudie's life...

you take the good you take the bad you take them both...

I realize my blogging is getting worse. My excuse this time is that we left our digital camera on the cape a few weeks back and I hate to make an entry without a photo. But since I don't know when we are getting our camera back... hopefully it is in the next two weeks before Paudie's insane first birthday party!

The last few weeks have been like a rollercoaster in Paudie's world. Highs - starting to walk, getting his top two teeth, making horsey noises, eating cookies - and Lows - falling down, getting an ear infection, having an allergic reaction to the antibiotic, and getting his finger pinched in a door. But all in all he remains totally and utterly awesome. He is starting to demonstrate some hella good climbing skills - over the top of his new car, up the gate blocking our stairwell- and given his long legs and long arms, he can get to doorknobs and things on the countertop with ease. We are starting to experience some temper tantrums - it's like, you can't help but laugh at the child.

Eating remains a problem, though somedays it seems like it is getting better. His new fascination is eating fuzzies. Off the rug, from under the refrigerator... strands of hair, fibers from his diaper... kinda weird. Even his dad's chest hair. Maybe he's part cat. He's holding at about 22 lbs, will be interesting to see how his profile has changed at his well visit in two weeks - I am predicting off the chart for height, 50% for weight. Everytime I see super tall and super skinny men on the street I think, yup, that's gonna be our boy in a few years. Maybe we have another Michael Phelps on our hands! cha ching!

So as I mentioned above, we are having a small gathering for Paudie's first birthday. This is a huge milestone for us for obvious reasons. I am not yet sure of the party's theme, but I already know that in addition to his car and his PAUDIE Mass license plate, he is getting a funky pair of walking shoes. The boy has worn shoes maybe 5 times in his life? It's going to be interesting when he goes to daycare and has to wear them every day! With socks!! And pants!!!

the park, the pool... the hamper.