paudie - international jetsetter

We are back from Ireland and it was a really wonderful trip. For the most part. It got off to a really rough start. Anytime you're on a plane, well over the Atlantic Ocean, and a voice comes on asking for any medical personnel to make themselves known to the crew, chances are a pitstop is in your future. In the case of flight EI 132, the pitstop was in Goose Bay Newfoundland, at 11:30 PM. Paudie was soundly asleep when the plane landed and craziness ensued - the electrical hook-up wasn't working, the door (which we were sitting next to) had to be open for refueling (and it was arctic)... when we took off again at 1:00 AM, Paudie lost it all together. For an hour. Of screaming. Inconsolable screaming. We now refer to it as the ' Goose Bay Breakdown.' I almost lost it myself -but thankfully John got him to sleep with some heavy duty rocking. Our bad luck continued when we learned we couldn't land in Shannon but had to go to Dublin where more ridiculousness ensued (everyone off the plane! everyone back on the plane!). Anyhoo we finally landed 7 hours late and except for the GBB, Paudie was his totally awesome self.

I wish I could count how many relatives Paudie met last week. Countless. Check him and a handful of his cousins out above. His charm was in full effect. He also picked up some fab new party tricks - sticking out his tongue and making a clicky noise with it. He's waaaay more grabby than he was prior to us leaving. It's actually quite annoying, but I get it, he's just exploring his world. Testing out some things. It's just disturbing to see multiple strands of my hair stuck to his sweaty palms. Or to see him stick his index finger in a perfect stranger's mouth (who didn't seem to mind), and then watch it go into his own. God, the germs he was exposed to. I can't believe he stayed healthy the whole week. I guess that in itself is a small victory.

It was hard to come back. Ireland is beautiful, John's family very kind. Plus it was just the best to be able to spend so much time with the little guy. It's like I miss him in ways I didn't before. Cos I feel like I know him so much better than before. Sigh.

the green green grass of home

Tomorrow is the day that we take Paudie to Ireland to meet his nana, several aunts and uncles, 10 cousins and countless extended relatives. Not to mention 3 dogs, a bunch of cows, and the occasional neighbor or schoolmate. I am both excited for this trip, and anxious. Not only has this whole week been a flashback to Cian's diagnosis as he was one-day away from his trip to Ireland when the cancer was discovered (how fortuitous that his packed bag just went to the hospital instead of the airport), then there is the matter of Paudie outliving Cian as of Monday the 14th (and throw in the 4th anniversary of John's father's death tomorrow). What does it all come back to - bittersweetness.

As you can see by the pic, Paudie digs biscuits. This is one way that he is very much like his parents. It's amazing how the child gags on like everything - but the first time he had a biscuit - no gags. He likes him some biscuits. And damn, they are messy.

Tomorrow is going to be a long day. We get to the airport in Boston at 5:00 - will get to John's mother's house in West Cork at about 10:00 AM (or 5:00 AM our time) - that's a lot of travelling. And I'm working all day of course. Our first day in Ireland is always very zombie-like, for me anyways. I could never have been a doctor as I seriously don't function without sleep. Or rather I am seriously dysfunctional.

Wish us luck. I am sure I will have anecdotes and photos to post once we return. Hoepfully we will come back to true spring. Child has cabin fever for sure.

that's our boy!

Seriously.

Paudie is almost 7 months now and his development is rapid and ridiculously amazing. He is starting to babble with syllables - a ba here, a ma there - and it is glorious. Not to mention watching his motor skills advance. Last night he stuck his butt up in the air for the first time - the boy wants to be crawling. For about 30 minutes he just rolled back and forth and attempted to get onto all fours. Not only is all of this so fun to experience really for the first time - but for us, it's like - 'we're doing it. we're getting there. he's going to make it.' things are as they should be (with Paudie that is - not in the global sense of our lives). I actually find myself looking towards September and his first birthday. For six months I wouldn't let myself have any future orientation. I still have a ways to go, but I'm getting there.

Paudie still challenges us with eating, though we have discovered he loves mashed banana and had his first piece of liga biscuit last night, which he devoured with only minor gagging. Hopefully we will make the cross-over to mostly food/few bottles at some point during the summer. I swear if it were up to him he'd just get by on raw energy and adrenaline. There is no fat on this kid.

I am making progress losing the baby weight - it's coming off slowly due to a lifestyle change - reducing carbs and sugar. The tummy flab is sticking with me for good though - man the flab can be deceiving. Standing up straight it is invisible but bend over and bam, hello roll. And I suppose if we have another, it's only going to get worse. So cruel.

clearly i suck at this

hi. how hard is it to write a post or two a week? i don't understand why i'm not better at this.

we took Paudie on his first airplane ride this weekend. he was totally enthralled with the turbulance on the weigh there. he would giggle each time we hit a bump - i would feel my stomach flip and then he'd laugh. it hit me that his stomach was flipping too and that he was enjoying it. i guess he'll be a thrillseeker type.

the flight home was a different story. paudie was a mess. it was an unfortunate situation for us all. particularly the people around us. luckily jetblue gives out headphones so most people were watching TV. but not us. apparently parents of small children don't qualify for headphones. we have to suffer and suffer well.

suffice it so say, we are all feeling a bit anxious about our flight to Ireland in a few weeks.

in other paudie news... he is rolling like a fiend. back and forth. his sitting has improved but he still can't really manage it for too long on his own. the drool continues to flourish, yet the teeth are mia. he's also starting to demo a little bit of a temper. it's a riot but i have to give him props. i know how he feels when something you aren't supposed to have is taken away and god bless him for screaming about it. i'd be a much happier employee if i could unload over otherwise trivial matters.

catch that buzz

i'm going to depart from my downer type entries for a bit with this ode to my boy. the last week or so with paudie has been just the best. i don't know what it is, what has changed. but right now, i just couldn't be more in love. he is so effin cute. this week he has started to march his feet in his exersaucer. he tends to do it when there is music or to his dad's sad beatboxing. but i love it. it's like, he gets it. he's grooving. he's also starting to really interact with us. there is some give and take. the other night he woke up at like 11:15 and started to laugh and kick and smile. those times are so special. i love that he just goes with it. he knows no boundaries or rules or norms. i love to feed him appley yogurt and see him lap it up. it's awesome to know you are giving you child something they love.

i am totally going to get him a pony or send him to spacecamp.

i love that when he sleeps in between us he gets a full night's sleep. that tells ms he is exactly where he wants to be, feels the most comfort.

paudie paudie paudie.

i want to have like 5 of him.

did my parents ever love me this much? i don't know.

his hair. his skin. his smell. his infectious laugh. his toes. i just can't get enough of that boy.

when you know what you're missing

I went out with my girlfriends Saturday night - my first time out in nearly three years. While I was excited about a night out with my oldest and dearest friends, I also felt anxiety. Or a sense of conflict. With our first son, before he was sick, my husband and I both worked so essentially we both missed out on a good chunk of his life, from 3-5 months. But I didn't get too hung up on that because I thought there would be years and years of opportunity to be with him. Alas, I was wrong. And once he was gone, the agony of missing him was just plain cruel. But you adapt, slowly.

Now that Paudie is here, I hate to be away from him. I feel as if he is awake, and I can be with him, that is where I need to be. Because I don't want to miss any more than I have to (working). All I can describe it as is this pressure. Self-inflicted of course. I sense that is a difference between my husband and myself currently. He is home with Paudie for now so he gets hours of quality time each day so there is no guilt (I presume) should he want to do something for himself.

I guess my point is this: I hate that my life, my priorities, my needs, were rearranged for me. I didn't really need to lose my son to realize what is important and I certainly don't need to suffocate under the weight of the forced reprioritization, but I might.

ahead of the game at 5 months, 17 days

I love that photo of Paudie. So intent. So digging the slot machine-like toy on his exersaucer.

So Sunday came and went. Paudie reached the milestone of 5 months and 17 days and no cancer diagnosis. No health issues to speak of. This is huge milestone for our little family as the last time we had a baby boy reach 5 months and 17 days, by 10:00 that night we were informed he had cancer. Instead Paudie's 170th day on this earth was an uneventful. For that we are incredibly grateful. Our next milestone will hopefully be reached when he is 7 months and 6 days.

Personality wise, Paudie is a real firecracker. In Paudie's world, things are either so good, or its polar opposite. The kid is either on top of the world and the tears are flowing copiously. He is getting the hang of rolling over from belly to back, but we still have some work to do on the return trip. He is also able to sit on his own for a bit which is too cute. Teeth are still MIA, though with the lines of drool and red rosy cheeks, it seems like his gummy smile may only be with us for a little longer.

Paudie has become an adept grabber. Loves to pull at our faces. It starts with a good slap, then a fierce grab hallmarked by razorlike little fingernails that are never short enough no matter how often we cut them.

Next week Paudie is participating in a research study at Children's Hospital that seeks to understand more around how babies recognize faces. I think that will be pretty interesting. Maybe the researchers will tell us we have a genius on our hands. But chances are he'll just poop and attempt to eat any pictures they put in front of him.