tick tock

My dad once told me, 'the older you are, the faster it goes.' It's hard to imagine time goes any faster than it is right now. It's also hard to believe that I'm looking 40 in the face. 40. When did that happen? I wish I could say that the three kids here are keeping me young and spry but the reality is I'm tired and cranky much of the time. In other ways I really don't feel older than let's say... 34. Mentally I feel about 16. The other night John and I were doing the math on Eloise. So when she's 21 we'll be... 60. My mom had me at 34 and in the 70's that was, you know, a change of age baby. So I grew up feeling like my parents were senior citizens because everyone else I knew had parents in their 30s. I used to cry and tell my mom, "I don't want you to die," and I'd say she was about 44 when I was having that anxiety. Oy.

Another quote about age that I like is, "you're as old as you've been but as young as you're going to be." I am trying to embrace my age and I am trying to take better care of myself so that I'm healthy for the kids - I will perservere over some pretty unfortunate DNA. For the past seven years I have been in some state of trying to get pregnant/pregnant/post-partum/nursing/grieving so it's been pretty easy to push aside my physical health. But now that I know we are done having kids, I know I need to get off my arse. I started back to the gym a few weeks ago and almost collapsed doing about 10 minutes of cardio. Shameful. But I'm sticking with it. Do it for the kids, that's my motto.

Speaking of the passage of time, Eloise is now 5 months. My three faithful readers will know that Cian was 5 months when he was diagnosed with cancer, seemingly out of the blue. So we did our usual 'peace of mind' belly scan this week for her. Nervewracking as always. I was telling John, I know we did this with Noel but I can't even remember. I guess my mind has decided to block that memory. So Eloise got the all clear. I was fairly certain she would - how is that for me getting lulled into a false sense of security? Eloise probably looks the most like Cian without the stunning blue eyes. But she's so different - she's the mellowest kid. Though Noel was a mellow kid and now he's super nanny material so who knows. She finally rolled over yesterday onto her tummy. Definitely our latest roller.

In a few weeks we will all get onto an airplane bound for Ireland. Or forced to make an emergency landing in Goose Bay Canada to have an unruly two year old and his family removed from the plane. I have so much anxiety about flying with Noel. Maybe part of me thinks if I really build it up and have all these worst case scenarios in my mind it will turn out to be really easy then I'll laugh at all of my angst. I so hope that is the case. We don't even take this kid to the store very often but we're going to try and buckle him into a seat for many hours. Hmmm. He hates TV so that will probaby not be a good distraction. He does like candy so that will be one strategy. Lots of fresh air before the flight, another strategy. Let's just hope he doesn't poop on the plane because that's a toxic situation compounded by his violent hatred of diaper changes. Normally when we are weeks out from this trip to see John's family I am well into the planning and packing - not this time. I can't mentally deal just yet - but it's happening so I better accept it. Today we got a notice from the airline so kindly offering us a business class upgrade for the mere cost of $655 per ticket. We wondered if they'd take Noel. He'd liven the place up. Stiffs.

Retreat damn germs

I've often heard tales of cold and flu seasons that beat families with small children into submission but had yet to experience this firsthand until last month. I knew we'd been lucky all these years but didn't realize how lucky until I experienced this cycle of illness myself. Wow. Sure the kids look happy there don't they? This must have been taken the one day last month when someone wasn't sick. We have been at the pediatrician's office on a weekly basis since February 18. We've had head colds, a staph infection, a viral/respiratory thang, stomach flu and pink eye. It's that little blonde thing on the right - he is the vector. And that cutie in the middle - she's like the magnet. Paudie just sort of squeaks by.

So yeah, germs. I started the month with a sinus infection and ended it with the stomach flu. Anyone that knows me well knows I am not a barfer. So any type of flu is makes me especially pathetic since I am completely unable to rid myself of the ick feeling. Luckily this did not set in until just after Paudie's Kindergarten screening. He was so excited to go last week. He bounced out of bed and then was angsting all morning about time - not being late. He did a great job and it was so fun to observe him interacting with teachers. I was the same way - so ready for Kindergarten. Bring on the learning!

The other big event around here was Noel turning 2 on Sunday. He is really making progress - no more bottle and no more crib. I really had my doubts about his ability to stay in bed, but he's been doing a pretty good job. He now has about 35 words in his vocabulary too, so that's finally starting to come along. Mind you he still likes to throw down a couple times a day and he still can drive our dog absolutely out of his mind with the pitch of his cry. You really gotta hear Banjo when Noel cries or whines. He sits up and starts howling at the top of his lungs - snout pointed straight in the air. Ow-ow-ow-owowwwwwwww. It'll make your ears practically bleed.

Eloise is now 4.5 months old and still a little darling. Seems to have a lot of Paudie traits - refuses to roll over, can bend into any shape to be able to view the TV. Need to get her going on food but like Paudie, not really into it. Tried cereal, tried peaches - blech.

Wow this is boring. I guess boring could be a good thing, right? I basically go to bed every night and say thanks to whomever for the boring-ness of our lives with the children. Sure I wish we were traveling the world and finding all these life experiences for the kids, but frankly I'm just so happy they are here and as far as we know at 12:26 PM on April 3rd, healthy. The bar is low my friends, the bar is low.

Beware the ides.

Yup it's mid-March. Six years ago I was struggling to adjust to being a new first time mom and having what I thought were only irrational thoughts about something happening to my precious baby. Hard to believe Cian would be six now. I often wonder, if Cian hadn't died, what would our family look like? Chances are we wouldn't have any of the three children we have now. Where would we be living? Probably not in this house. I could spend hours playing this game.

So it's March and it's about 70 degrees outside and I am choosing to be happy. Princess Eloise is 4 months old and a complete delight. We are out of the newborn phase and into the goofy, playful baby phase. Noel is starting to use words. We still have a ways to go, but he's starting to (I think) comprehend that we like to communicate with words. And then there is Paudie, this blog's namesake. We are registering P for kindergarten next week. That is huge. I can't believe he is going to be heading away on a school bus in the fall. Mind you I am currently looking out the window at his school so it will be a very short bus ride. He is pumped. And full of surprises. At his core Paudie is an introvert, like his mama. John would say he's an introvert too, but he's got nothing on me. So I take our little introvert to the playground on Sunday and immediately this big boy comes running over and wants to play. He's 7. Kids always think P is older than he is because he's tall so I caution the boy that Paudie is only 4 so don't expect too much/cut him some slack. So they play a bit and 7 year old moves on.

A little bit later 7 approaches to play a game of tackle football. I of course am like, oh dear, I don't think Paudie is really into football and then he shoots me the evil eye - I have clearly just embarressed my son for the first time. P runs off to play tackle football with a brawny 2nd grader - I am the referee. His mother is just sort of ignoring the whole thing and I am wondering, is this allowed? I hate these awkward parent moments. I am totally new at this and have no understanding of playground and playdate etiquette. So whatever the boys are running around and I think to myself, well at least he'll sleep soundly tonight. Then I turn back to see that P has the kid pinned to the ground. And is having the time of his life. Shocking. Our shy skinny kid is on top of the world playing tackle football. Not what I would have expected, not at all. I have always pegged P as a tennis player or golfer despite his big talk about hockey. Maybe he's a bruiser afterall.

And now he's getting ready for the kindergarten 'contest' as he calls it. NY has some sort of screening for kids to enter K - no idea what that all entails now - so P has been hitting the, um books, getting ready for the contest. His role as his mother's son is being solidified. I too was so excited to go to school. I can even vaguely remember going to my screening. I am so happy for him and hope his excitement doesn't wane or morph into fear in September. I actually saw the preliminary roster and there are only 36 kids on it. Yup, that's it. 36 total kids in his grade. I really think a small class size is going to be good for his introverted little self.

So there you have it on March 15, 2012. It's never an easy month but this unbelievable weather and our amazing kids have made this March a little more palatable.

hi. i'm princess buttercup eloise of scottsville.

Since it's almost March I figured it might be time to emerge from under the rock I've been living under for the last 14 weeks. On November 17 we welcomed a baby girl into the world. And despite the fact that I was a ball of anxiety and stress during the pregnancy due to our move, my age, inevitable PTSD... (not to mention a labor and delivery experience from hell), she is a placid, sweet and very happy baby. A peanut compared to her three brothers - she weighed in at 7 lbs 12 oz. And continues to be 'average' as opposed to ginormous. I'm hopeful that this means she won't be amazonian as an adult.

So a girl. Yep. I call her princess buttercup but she's really more of a rapunzel since she spends all day long in a bouncy seat perched atop of our kitchen island. It's safest for her there. The boys love her sooooo much. And don't they have funny ways of showing it. I know she needs much more floor and tummy time than she's been having so we must adjust that in the very near future. Every time the pediatrician asks about that we just sort of smile and shrug.

Finding out I was pregnant with her last year was pretty shocking and I kept fretting over 'what if' given I would be pushing 40 - then there was also my absolute hatred of sleep deprivation. I know that no one likes to be sleep deprived, but I am particularly bad at it. But somehow we've made it through the newborn phase. It wasn't easy, but it wasn't all that nightmarish ever. I was so focused on Elle being the cause of sleepless nights yet the reality turned out to be that she was a good sleeper from the beginning and it was Noel that kept us up most nights. A menace that boy is. A blonde hair, blue eyed, dimpled and gorgeous freaking menace.

I will say that at this point in my life, despite feeling haggard, sluggish and dumber than ever, I do feel some peace about a few things. I remember right after Cian died I hung onto the notion of rebuilding our family. Of picking myself up, fighting back and having more babies - not that anyone could ever replace him, but in order to give him a sort of legacy and to achieve parenthood yet again. And I said I'd ideally have three more, right in a row. While that proved to be a little more challenging than I'd hoped or expected, we got there. It still stings like hell that in just over a week Cian will not be here for his 6th birthday, but to have these three other beings is something very special. They bring us comfort.

And to have made the move to NY is also something else I feel very proud of, that we set our minds to something and executed. Aw look, a work word. As I turn 40 this year despite that number making me cringe, I feel accomplished on a number of fronts. Sure there is still work to be done, but I've come pretty far given the hand we were dealt.

So here we are, in our pink house with our pink barn, couple boys, little girl and howling dog. In one sense I feel satisfied. In another sense I am horrified by the world we've worked so hard to help populate. Does it completely puzzle anyone else, the level of dialogue we are at right now in this country? It's 2012, right? Or is it 1812? Everytime I hear some dude on TV talking about birth control I want to punch him in the face. Kids are dying of cancer. Kids are dying in war. As a society we are fatter and sicker than ever. Life is hard. But let's rehash issues that I thought were settled a couple of decades ago. Let's go backwards! Or let's get a moon colony going. Let's do anything but arrive at decisions and policy that improve our schools, our economy and our healthcare. When I was little I was semi-obsessed with the possibility of Iran or Russia bombing us. In my mind the bomb would land in our front yard. I can't even imagine what my kids will obsess about.

Okay enough from the soapbox.

the storm before the stormier storm

There they are, our little darlings working on a jack-o-lantern last week. Paudie is quite angry with his little bro - shocker. It's so hard to believe that this could be the last week of sanity for awhile. And it's hardly sane here. But two months into the move, I can say that I finally feel as if things are settling down. How naive of me to think we would have been settled before this point. Paudie just went through weeks of horrible separation anxiety - he still has his moments but he's starting to make friends and things are feeling more normal. I thought 4 was going to be like a totally awesome age and instead it has me banging my head against a wall. Paudie is such a contrarian. Everything is a battle. I hope it's just a phase and him dealing with a transition into schoolage. I don't know. Then there is Noel. The little devil/charmer. He is physically strong and strong willed. And loud. They are opposites. On Halloween Noel was a party animal and P a party pooper. Paudie ran away from every person who approached our door scared out of his mind. Noel meanwhile greeted everyone, hello and goodbye. 'Hiya' he's screaming on the porch meanwhile Paudie is rolled up into a ball on the couch watching some preschool cartoon of sorts.

Paudie hates to eat. Part of wonders, does this child have an eating disorder? He is skin and bones. We give him food and he just ignores it and Noel comes along and takes it off of him and eats it. They couldn't be more different.

This all makes me wonder what we are in store for. I found out I was pregnant back in mid-March and while I can't say it was a shock, it also wasn't entirely expected. Between anxiety around my 'advanced maternal age' and knowing we wanted to move, I really was able to turn my mind off from it for many months. Pretty strong denial that has carried me far. But 38 weeks in, it's pretty hard to deny. I am trying to savor the last few days and weeks here because this is definitely it. I can't believe this is a fourth baby for us. I feel like, well actually I have been, in some stage of pregnancy or post or trying for 7 years. This is an end of an era. While I have no idea how we are going to handle another child, I am at peace with how it worked out. I hate being on the fence and this pregnancy pushed us off of the fence. It also will be pushing me back into a darker place in terms of anxiety about the health of the baby. Hell even now when Paudie tells me his legs hurt it's all I can do not to think Wilms tumor. Sigh. That's what I worry about the most, going back into anxiety mode. The flashbacks to Cian's first few months of life and all of the trauma that came with being his mom and dad.

Funny how life works out. 5 years ago we lost Cian and here we are about to welcome his third younger sibling into the world. This is a path he set us on. If you'd told me five years ago we'd be here, I wouldn't have believed you. At that point I felt as if I'd fell down the side of a mountain and was standing next to it staring up to the top feeling like any chance of getting back up to the apex was slim to none. Thankfully I can't clearly recall the amazingly horrible feeling of losing our parenthood for a year, but I do try and go there whenever I feel overwhelmed by what we have.

There's safety in numbers, I guess that's become my parenting philosophy. So no matter how sleep deprived I am, or how rotten Paudie is to us, or how many times Noel tries to headlock new baby, this is a good thing for us. This is all a tribute to the little boy who so radically changed and touched our lives.

Live from Scottsville N-Y

Yup, I'm resurfacing. It's been almost two months I guess. Two obnoxcious, nutty months. I remember feeling right before we moved that there was light at the end of the tunnel for the stress. Hah. See, we had a difficult seller that we were buying from that was really complicating the overall process... a difficult lender that wouldn't close on a loan with asbestos wrapped pipes... then there was us doing the move mostly on our own to save money... I kept thinking, once all this is behind us it will get easier. But it really hasn't. It just got different. So we made it - got the loan closed, got our trailer empty and belongings in the house with the help of Larry, Darryl and his other brother Darryl, but then reality set in. No fence for weeks, no routine for the kids for weeks... it was pure chaos here. And me working from the turret in the meantime. We finally got going with preschool and daycare... and the kids hate it. Both of them can't seem to transition well. Someone is always crying.

Then there is the house. Our lovely pink Queen Victorian. So far we've had four gas leaks fixed. It's like everything in this house that has anything to do with gas had a gas line installed unprofessionally and not to code. Who spends gobs of money on a fancy kitchen (crazy seller) and neglects something as critical as the things that could blow the house up? But I think we have the gas issues behind us. Now John thinks we have chipmunk issues. He stayed up with croupy Noel last night and heard all sorts of noises that he couldn't tell where they were coming from, in or out. So that's the next project.

I know, I'm sounding very glass half empty. That's me. But if I try to take a step back, it hasn't all been bad. It's great living in a larger house in a nice community. We came from a small city with a growing drug problem and declining property values and now live in a small farming village where everyone knows everyone. It's kind of cute really. Quiet, safe, clean air. Kids had been sleeping so well (until all the separation anxiety set in, and croup) which we attributed to much more outdoor time and better air quality. So I don't regret the move, I just wish we could get our rhythym. I had hoped it would happen by now so I could spend the next few weeks more relaxed prior to the arrival of #4, but I guess for now I just try and cope with a few steps forward and one back. Everyone keeps telling me the kids WILL adjust. The crying and tantrums WILL stop. So I go with it. And at some point the boxes WILL be all unpacked. So I go with the power of positive thinking to whatever degree a pessimist like me can.

And did you notice that it's a week before Cian's 5 year anniversary and I'm only now mentioning it? Pretty good huh. We've certainly had a few awkward moments meeting people. Why is it when you're pregnant everyone must know what number baby it is? I try to answer the question honestly without making the asker feel too mortified. But it gets tricky especially when the questions persist. "So is this your first?" "Nope (smiling)." "Oh, your second." "Nope, we have two little boys at home." "Oh, so this is your third?" "Well, no, actually it's our fourth but our first is no longer with us, we lost him to cancer." Skidmarks.

I will try and post some pics but you know how I am about that, delinquent. Just wanted to say that we're here and we're okay for the most part. It's certainly been nice being out of the city, away from traffic and closer to my family. I just long for the day that I finally say, "we're settled." The last time I felt so very unsettled was when Cian was sick and after his death (which this pales in comparison to of course) but it does take me back to feeling like someone is sitting on my chest/wanting to jump out of my skin. Similar ick, different degree. It's just hard being type A and being trapped in like a type F environment.

Well we're moving on up...

For five years John and I have toyed with the idea of moving to upstate NY where I grew up. I actually still have a sticky note on my desk from the week that Cian was diagnosed with cancer - on it I was writing notes from our nanny about what he had eaten in her care while he wasn't feeling good (i.e., had cancer) as well as two zip codes in Rochester I wanted to check out. After Cian died we were left to rebuild our lives. Back to work we went and started our family again. The years just sort of ticked by. We worked, had more children, settled into our home and our routine here. But we always thought it would be nice to be closer to my family, in a reasonable housing market where we could get a larger home and some land in a good school district. Well this year we finally put our money, literally, where our mouths were. It's been a summer of angst and stress but it seems we are almost there. The vast majority of our house is packed into a large trailer in our driveway. New owners are preparing to move into the house that my husband basically rebuilt by hand. We are going to be closing on a historic Queen Victorian in a small village 15 minutes or so outside of Rochester. It's all really happening. Shocking. It's scary and invigorating at the same time. Is this the right thing to do? Will we like it there? How will we survive the winters? When I start to panic, as I often do, I look at Paudie and Noel and think of our dear Cian and calm down because this move is all about them. And if nothing else, it feels good to act on the fantasy. You think and you think about the things you might like to do and then one day turns into the next which turns into a month and then a year and there you are, in the same place. I feel accomplished that we set a goal for ourselves and seem to be on the path of accomplishment. I wonder what this new chapter will bring for us - in the matter of a few months we are going to settle into a new home in a village we really know little to nothing about, and then welcome another child into our lives. I feel like somehow Cian set this all into motion and when I feel pain over leaving the house that he lived in with us, I just remind myself that he's always with me, regardless of where I am. So that's it, I'll undoubtedly be out of touch for awhile as we try and settle in (shocker I know). Boston gave me the best (meeting my husband and our kids) and the worst (losing Cian) times of my life - can't wait to see what comes next... hopefully more than snow.