crickets.

Yeah I got nothing for a title today. I am completely out of any ideas and there is no general theme to this update I can try to work with. Happy it's Friday. Happy it's springlike out. Happy my husband told me I looked skinny this AM. Look at that, I'm actually copping to being happy!

This pic was taken late last week at daycare - was for our Valentine's day card. Cute stuff huh. To me these two boys look nothing alike. I think the main resemblance is between Noel and Cian which is something I am grateful for. It does my heart good to think that Noel can help answer many unaswered questions I have about our first born. Who knows really but it works for me so there.

With how I feel these days it's pretty clear an anniversary is bearing down on us. Cian's 5th birthday is March 7. The birthday is the hardest of all for me. Because it really marks the day that was the most life-changing for me, the best day of all. Every February the feelings of hope I had in 2006 are just so palpable to me. I think I am trying to get more comfortable with denial. I read recently it's not really any worse to deny grief than to embrace it. Cian turning 5. Wow. So hard to think of having a little boy ready to enter kindergarten this year - wonder where we'd be living. Cos I don't think we'd be living where we are - especially in light of the neighboorhood crime watch that is being formed on our street. Crimony.

But I digress.

These next few weeks are hard, on March 8th things will be a little easier, especially as we look forward to Noel's first birthday. Trying to figure out what we will do to celebrate - definitely won't have the huge party we had for Paudie, but we'll put something together. I have to say, raising Noel this year has been a wonderful experience. With Cian I had no idea what I was doing - and that was before he even got sick. Once he got sick, it really all went out the window. I'd never even given a child medicine before - I was a deer in headlights for the 7 weeks he was sick. With Paudie I was an obsessive, anxious, depressive mess that was still grieving for Cian and worried the same thing would happen. With Noel it's been a completely different experience marked by confidence, and what an enormous difference a little confidence makes.

So what else is happening? Paudie had a great Balentine's day as he called it. Lots of candy. Candy good. Noel is all up in Paudie's business these days which is driving him nuts - I do feel for the boy. All he wants to do is put a puzzle together or read a book or even drink some milk and there Noel is, in his face. And he's an aggressive little fella. He remains on the verge of walking. Like his brother before him, he can already open doors and pull things off of the counter. It's a whole new way of living all over again. Shutting the doors and gates, locking the doors and cabinets. He's at the stage now where the most fun best thing ever in the world to do is take things out of something and thrown them on the ground. I can't say I understand the fun in that but it does seem to be a universal desire at his age. It's exhausting though. For us mind you. John and I are always talking about how parenting would be so much easier if we were younger. Well easier in some ways I guess.

Okay so this entry is wandering off into extremely dull territory. Shocker. I think it's all the carbs I had this AM. Why can't I be the type of person who can haul her ass out of bed and exercise then have a high protein breakfast? There are some days at work I actually consider napping under my desk, there I said it. For the record, I have never done this. So I'm not quite George Costanza but perhaps not far off. Sad.

getting sick and tired of being sick and tired

Yeah, I'm Debbie Downer these days. Jealous?

And I know that my entry from last week was like, totally lame. Uninspired.

But that's me right now, uninspired. My corporate job has sapped me. I can't lie. You can only push a large rock up a steep hill so many times before it rolls you over. I think I might be there. And this isn't to say I don't enjoy the people I work with or flexing my problem solving muscles. But it's reaching that, "is that all there is" point. So I want to blog and be all witty and clever and talk about my wonderful children and their amazing little milestones but most days it just feels like I got nothing. And I can't even take the laptop out on the weekends because Paudie will stalk me. I guess I could try and be a little more inspired after they go to bed but truth be told, that is the time I sit on the couch and stare into space or watch semi-educational TV with my hubby. The lights are off by that point.

So I really gotta get out of this funk. I guess like 70 inches of snow isn't really helping. Look at P in his little igloo. Pretty sweet huh? Jaysus can you imagine having to live in that?

Noel is officially ten months old and a complete terror. I just got a message from daycare that he wouldn't nap and was screaming. When he is home, he is screaming. He has a set of lungs on him. He is also pushing around anything he can to try and walk. Highchair, cardboard box, anything that he can move across the floor that will get him from Point A to Point B without crawling really. And he is obsessed with the dog's bowls. And touching the toilet.

Paudie is also acting a little challenging these days. He is so jealous of Noel right now. I think it's because he is coming less of a baby and more of a toddler so he is getting a lot more of our attention and it is driving Paudie mad. The tears. The tears start and just don't stop. I worry he's not going to have friends because he cries so easy and so hard. But maybe that's just being 3 and really for our beneft. As we sit on the fence about having another, with them both screaming their bloody heads off morning and night, it's pretty hard to grasp. "It's just a phase" I keep telling myself.

Really I'm not this brooding depressive type. I guess I'm just overwhelmed by my life which I really wouldn't have any other way. I guess it's the whole balance thing with motherhood. Everyday is the same really. I wake at the same time and do the same tasks in basically the same order to leave the house within 90 minutes. Then I come here and angst all day over my rock and the steep hill. Then I go home and try to enjoy the loves of my life without thinking about the laundry to be done or toys to put away. Wash, rinse, repeat. I feel like life is passing me by with the rote nature of my days. If anyone is reading this and can share how they lept off of the hamster wheel I'd love to hear it. That is what I'm wrestling with. How do I make it stop? How do I get engaged in my life, a life I so desperately wanted and needed after Cian died and here we are and I feel like a zombie.

Or is this simply a mid-life crisis? Anyone who thinks wine may be an acceptable response please raise your hand. A lot of my friends seem to cope better with wine but see the problem is I've never really been much of a wine drinker. Feels good going down but the headache the next day is mostly always unbearable.

Blerg. It's just been a long week I guess.

the winter of our discontent, 2011

Some recent shots of the boys taken at daycare. We haven't uploaded photos off of our SLR in about six weeks. I like the photo of P because he has the cutest little nose I think. And Noel looks like such a doll in that picture even though over the last two weeks he has become tyranical. I don't know what happened to our nice placid baby. Ever since Noel started to be more independent he has become incredibly dramatic. Lots of screaming and crying, particularly when you take something away he wants or close a door. It's not at all becoming. I'm sure Paudie was the same way it just feels more pronounced with Noel since he has always been a happy go lucky kinda bub.

It's been three weeks since I posted. January has felt long and rotten. Yes I am aware that it was only weeks ago I was chomping at the bit to get past the holidays and into hibernation. But I've really been feeling sort of blah lately. Seasonal affective disorder? Maybe. Feet and feet of snow? Yeah that sucks too. I just haven't felt inspired to post. Boys are great. Really. Paudie continues to impress and amaze with his imagination, comprehension, vocabulary. So fun watching him develop. Noel is getting more teeth and working on learning how to walk. He's sleeping brilliantly - actually P is as well. Sleep really does wonders doesn't in? Nothing like a solid 8 hours. We've been trying to stay as busy as we can to help pass the time, burn the energy. Hit the Harvard Museum of Natural History a few weeks back. Not a bad little day out for the family. Interesting to see such an old school museum. Then this week John had the two over at the Museum of Science - he's brave going it alone. But they had a great time. I worried Noel was too young but he enjoyed the hands-on room for the youngins. John continues to be a wonderful husband and cook like every night and P has emerged as his helper. Or his hindrancer. P really can be an amazing kid but he still throws the occasional tantrum like nobody's business. Got to experience that last night about one minute after walking in the door after working late, taking the T and navigating huge piles of snow and slick sidewalks on the walk home. God I just wanted to turn around and walk out the door. I long for the day he is old enough to reason with.

Work has been steadily busy which is good for making the time pass faster and keeping my mind off of things that are sort of eating at me. I wish I would say all the busy-ness is from selling lots of product. It's not. But I do feel much more engaged in life when I am engaged at work. There's nothing worse than feeling unproductive and bored for 8+ hours.. Okay that's not true there are a lot of worse things but I do feel that when my mind is working well, I've got my lists, I'm taking care of business, that somehow it translates over to my personal life, like carry-over. I get home and feel energized to keep things moving forward.

It's almost 4:00 on Friday. Kids are at daycare and will sleep well tonight. I'd like to say I'm looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow but I can't think of the last time I slept past about 7:30. No real plans for the weekend - exactly how I like it. Oh - so John and I committed to trying to live on a budget this year. Ha! OMG - have you ever tracked every penny spent every single day? We are almost done with month one and it has been eye-opening. I really can't believe how much we spend but I really don't see where we can cut back. Food shopping and gas are where we seem to spend the most. I was thinking maybe we could become crazy obsessesed coupon people but the minimalist in me doesn't want to have shelves and shelves of toilet paper sitting in our garage. So yeah, a budget.

Happy New Year, I guess.

So in my last post when I was all, yay, about 2010 being a pretty good year for our fam but worrying that my premature good feelings about the year would doom me... let's just say I know myself, our life and circumstances that can't be changed a little too well. And that I'm just going to keep my mouth shut in the future. 2010 ended on a lousy note - the raison d'etre for this will reveal itself in future postings.

Lesson learned cosmos.

Today's pic is hot off the press. This is Noel at daycare this AM. Noel has a new obsession - standing. Noel cannot fall asleep anymore because he has to OCD stand. He can have one eye closed and be 90% asleep and he will still attempt to pull himself into a standing position. He perfected standing over our Christmas break in NY. He really gave us a run for our money. Waaayyy too much energy! Or maybe I'm just old and sluggish. But he's definitely in that stage of total troublemaking. No clue what he is doing - that you can't crawl down stairs head first, that kind of way. We had Noel at the doc this week for his 9 month visit, doc was impressed, said he's looking 'awesome.' Clocked in at 25 lbs and 33 inches - this is four lbs and two inches bigger than his bro at the same age. Such a big boy.

Even though both boys had irritating coughs over the holidays and even with the issue that shall not be named, we had a pretty good time I guess. Time away from work and routine is always cherished, though too much time away from routine makes everyone a little zany. One great thing about being in Western NY - no blizzard! How fun to watch the east coast blizzard on TV from the middle of a snowbelt and not have there be even one flake falling. So we didn't get to go sledding or build a snowman, but we did eat at our fave Rochester spots (Schalers, DiBellas and Pontillos) and hit Wegmans a few times. Visited with my mom at the nursing home - we found a small centipede (gross I know) under her bed so that was like 30 minutes of excitement for Paudie. As you can imagine or perhaps know from experience, pre-schoolers aren't wild about spending time in nursing homes. We got a lit of mileage out of the centipede - even talked him up the next day, saying we needed to get back and make sure he didn't find his way out of the trashcan we left him in.

Got back Sunday afternoon. Our car was jam packed. It was absurd. There are still toys and things all over the house. We have to get the tree down too. So depressing to un-decorate. So yes this weekend will be about trying to take control back. Blerg.

One more cute kid thing to share. Paudie has a new thing - it's called, "right Mom?" He makes a statement and it ends with 'right mom?" A statement that is true. One that is clearly false. One that makes no sense at all. Doesn't matter, he defers to me. Makes me feel all-knowing and wise. He has also developed an obsession with "How It's Made" on the Science channel. Doesn't matter what is being made, he will watch it. It is like some huge treat for him to be able to watch it. He barely watched any cartoons or kiddie TV in NY, was all about How It's Made and Factory Made - let's face it, they really are the same shows.

done and done.

I know there is a little over a week to go in 2010, but today's title sums up how I am feeling, even if a little premature. I'm just done. This applies to work, this applies to shopping, this applies in lots of other ways. But if I reflect back over the past 51 weeks, I do have to say that 2010 was one of our better years. Things really went off as they were planned without too many flies getting all gunked up in our ointment. New baby, vacations on the Cape and Ireland, healthy families. Lots of good stuff that I don't feel weird or full of myself saying we really deserved.

God almighty I hope I am not dooming myself by saying all of this. So sad that's how my mind works, the superstition.

Tomorrow we rise at an ungodly hour to drive ourselves, the kids, the dog and lots of other stuff to upstate NY. I have to admit, I feel slightly giddy. I am so excited to see Paudie's reaction to the Christmas spread and to each of his gifts. I hope he can savor them but fully expect him to rip and toss paper, repeat. I am already thinking of how sad it is to be a little kid and have Christmas be over. It's sort of minor-depression inducing, at least it was for me.

So I'll end this last post for 2010 by saying thanks to God, the cosmos, karma etc etc. It's hard for me to bask too much though as my mind is still processing the bad things/good people reality from last week's post. My wish for 2011 is that some measure of peace and understanding can be found by those whose hearts are heavy right now, even if that grace is fleeting. Life isn't fair and it's that cruel reality that sends me home each night hugging and praising my children a little more intensely than the day before. I'll never be all that I could have been because of Cian's death, but the perspective I have gained doesn't feel as heavy as it once did.

Merry Christmas to everyone. Like the commercial says, give thanks for the healthy kids in your life and give to those who are not. Now that's a great little tag line.

the dimple.

Ahhh how I love Noel's single dimple. I think this photo is a great showcase for it. I also think Noel looks like a beautiful little girl in this picture.

Hard to believe we are a week out from Christmas. A week out from our sojourn in upstate NY where it has been snowing like nobody's business, well except for maybe Minneapolis and Chicago. It's getting to be go time. The chaos and busy-ness will be peaking any day now and then.... nothingness. Hooray for January and bitter arctic blasts and nothingness. I hope Paudie is on board with nothingness because it feels so right to me. Weeks and weeks of nowhere to go and nothing to do. Clearly I am spent. This year has been a whirlwind between welcoming our gorgeous Noel into the fold, more travel than usual, and some increased intensity at work. Lately I have been very sort of absent-minded and forgetful and I can't help but wonder if that is just working mom-ness, closing in on 40 or some sort of preview of neurological issues to come (my mom was diagnosed with dementia in her early 60s). OMG, it sucks whatev it is. I am so type A, typically so on top of my game and lately, I feel like I have no game. Like I can't walk and chew gum. We'll see if it eases up as we embrace nothingness next month.

Paudie is getting so excited for our trip to NY and of course Santy. It's so fun to be living in a world negotiated and understood through the eyes of a three year old. I hope we have done right by him come Christmas AM - he changed his mind so many times about what he was asking Santa for - I'm so worried the toys are going to fall flat. I'm really wishing for a total AFV moment when he opens the crane he has been asking for since we got the Toys R Us toy book last month and goes totally bananas, jumping and screaming and doing a happy dance. Not that he has ever once done anything like that. Why? Because Paudie is his mother's son. Like if we were ever on Extreme Home Makeover the bus would move and I'd be all, 'wow, looks great. thanks.' Inside I might be screaming and crying but those emotions just don't make it outside of me very easily.

Trying to think... what else is going on? Feels like an increased incidence of bad things happening to good people. Really bad things, really good people. After Cian died, so many people told me, and perhaps I have written this before, that basically we have our cross to bear, we have our painful tragedy. And we'd be set. But I would never for a moment believe that. And recently this has been reinforced for me. Who knows, maybe we get passes all the time. A few years ago during a brief consulting stint at BCBS MA I was crossing in-between traffic to get coffee at Dunkin Donuts. All the cars were stopped. As I went to cross the second line of traffic I heard car brakes squealing increasingly loudly - a car was driving the wrong way (trying to get into Dunkins natch) and trying to avoid hitting me. I was frozen in fear for a second watching this car come at me. I couldn't even walk after the incident, my legs were so weak from the shock. I felt at that moment like, that could have been it. I could have just died getting an effing cup of DD coffee which probably tasted like shite anyways. But I didn't, I got a pass. I thought of that incident several times after Cian was diagnosed. Did I cosmically get a pass that I just don't understand? You don't know what you don't know, right?

So am I getting too heavy for a Friday at 4:30? BTW, I am so happy it is Friday at 4:30. Short week next week and a week off the following. Will try to get in one more post before Thursday - some more end of year reflecting might be in order.

The crew meets Santy

Yup. We took the boys to meet Santa at a charity event for the local animal shelter. The event was really meant for pets, but you know me, always looking to save a buck. So in theory it seemed like a good idea, make a donation and get a picture with Santa. My lack of foresight never ceases to amaze me. Trying to get two kids and a dog to sit still, smile and look in the same direction is just not feasible. The group was kind enough to give us about 20 shots on a CD - each more ridiculous than the previous. I kinda like them though -they really make me laugh. Like in this one, Banjo is blinking. That's such a human thing to do. Anyhoo Noel was half asleep and on the verge of crying the whole time and Paudie just is scared to death of the big man in red so he wouldn't sit near him. Nor would he take his mittens off.

The last few weeks have been flying by. We had a very low-key Thanksgiving and post-Thanksgiving weekend. P really gave us a run for our money behavior wise. He was such a brat. We took him to see Santa and 3 (elderly) elves jump out of an airplane and parachute into a field by our house - froze for an hour plus. How did he repay us? Well by a complete and utter meltdown of course. Then the next day we froze for 2+ hours at the Christmas parade in Quincy. Again, some really brutal behavior. I had no choice but to bust out our brand spanking new shelf elf. We've been talking the guy up for weeks and finally I decided enough was enough, time to get some reinforcements in for some nice-boy behavior. I put him in the stairwell and when John took P up to bed, as they came around the corner and P spotted the elf... silence. And clinging. And right to sleep. Thank you elf on the shelf!

So Mr. elf, who P named, "tree," has been doing wonders for our little Padraig's temperment. Earlier this week I asked John what would we do after the holidays once Tree is put away. "Threaten to take away all of his new toys" of course. Ah yes - good answer. I never thought I'd parent-by-threat as much as we do, but I also never thought an angel faced pre-schooler would be screaming. "don't be stupid" in my face several times a week. Where does he even get it from I wonder because we may say lots of things that we shouldn't say, and we're working on our language, but we really aren't angry yellers.

We are also working on teaching Paudie how to be charitable. That's a hard lesson to teach we are finding - or rather the concept is lost on P. I think he can't really get his head around the fact that some kids don't have toys. So when he sees us donating to Toys for Tots etc, he really struggles with seeing shiny new toys go unplayed with. He even tries to argue that he too has no toys. He was watching Even Almighty with John Saturday night, which really had him in stiches, and John was trying to explain about God to him. Then when the St. Judes commercial came on with Morgan Freeman P said, "look dad, there's God." I had to bite my tongue to not express my deep down thoughts on where God is or isn't when it comes to children with cancer.

There are a handful of children whose stories I continue to follow in terms of their cancer battles and my heart breaks that the vast majority of them are reaching or have reached the end of the treatment line. To be looked in the eye and told there is nothing further that can be done for your child is... just so wrong in this day and age. We can study life on other planets, transplant practically every organ there is from one human to another, fight pointless wars and so on and so forth but we can't help cure children whose diagnosis stems from (I love this) bad luck. Until my own child was diagnosed with cancer I really thought modern medicine was kicking the ass of childhood cancer. I miss that ignorance.