two.

So the boy is two. My cupcakes were largely successful - this pic was taken at daycare, Pau and the girls. I am so glad they are wearing the old-school hats. I was a little overzealous for his first birthday and bought some and if I recall, he merely chewed off the tips of them. I meant to bring the leftover hats to daycare but forgot because my brain is rather sieve-like these days. So I was thrilled to see Wendy was well-prepared. The other kids sang and Paudie was delighted. By the time his party #2 rolled around with some friends, the singing gave him a jolt and some anxiety, but he recovered. By #3 with my family, he was a crying mess. Ditto on #4 with John's family. But in both cases, he collected himself pronto as the song concluded and masterfully blew out his candle. I was taken aback by how good he was actually - I expected much more spit.

So the 5-day extended bday weekend was good. I loved watching him open gifts - which he has also become quite good at - and he seemed to enjoy each of them. Not to mention each tiny shred of wrapping paper as it came off.

Yesterday when the boys picked me at the T, Pau was being quite whiney because he wanted to go on the choo choo. I told him we would go again soon, and I swear he replied 'okay.' Prior to that he replied 'cool' to something I said. Last night he was saying "I watch tv." The TV thing is getting a little bad. He loves Diego. God knows why, but he does. He has gotten used to me turning it off a few minutes into it, or turning the channel. So last night he runs in the room when he hears Click singing and takes the remote away from me and places it on a table that would require me getting out of my seated position to retrieve. Smart kid.

Oh - and get this. On Saturday he was doing his usual 'want to potty' routine which really means want to get naked. So I put the potty topper on the toilet and placed him on it - and he peed! Just a little amount, but I don't know who was more shocked. I called John over - and then he peed again. I thought - hmmmm, are we onto something? But no. It was just a fluke. I think we have a minimum of 6 more months of diapers ahead of us.

It's very cool out today - summer is clearly over. We are looking at a very quiet weekend which is great - need to decompress after 8 weekends of buzy-ness. This week John finally finished fencing the backyard in - Banjo had run away twice last week. Once he made it over to the T stop which isn't exactly too close to our house. I really have to give props to John for chasing his ass down because I really thought he was gone, and really didn't feel all that bad about it. The next day he only made it across the street when he got blocked in to a fenced-in yard. Man you should have seen me dragging his bum home. I was livid. Then on Weds night he escaped out the frontdoor - but a big dog scared him straight home. Why oh why is he hellbent on running away from us? Doesn't he have a good home? It's so frustrating. The speed is unreal. It's quite a feeling to just watch your dog - the one you just spent $250 on at the vet and then whatever the fence cost - run away from you at lightning speed, through yards and bushes. You just stand there helpless. Jerk.

What you talking about willis?

Summer is over. Wah. Though I must say, for the most part we jam packed a lot of fun into the last 8 weeks (no, June doesn't count). This past weekend we did the Day out with Thomas at Edaville. Not that Paudie is a huge Thomas fan, but with lots of hand me down toys and books from his cousins, and an overall love of choo-choos, we figured it would be a good bday event. This pic was taken as we were waiting for Thomas to pull away from the station, 9:30 AM. The deer in headlights look sort of stayed with the boy all morning long. Not sure if he was half asleep, not feeling well, or just overwhelmed by all the kids his size and age, not to mention small rides and other toddler fare. But man, when it was time to leave, he really lost his shiz. He was on an airplane ride that he looked rather whatev about but as soon as John tried to get him off - dramaz.

So I can't believe he is going to be two in just a matter of days. Sometimes it seems like he is still a baby, other times it is like he is ten. I will say he is showing an intense interest in bday gifts - opening them and oooohing and aaaahing over small details. Very cute stuff. We only got him two small gifts this year, and no party. We did the bash last year and I felt exhausted afterwards. One felt like such a huge milestone for us - I guess it was - but 2 feels more, I don't know, not as remarkable? But just because we are not having a party does not mean there isn't cake and lots of it in his future! I am baking (or perhaps John is, not sure yet) cupcakes for daycare on Friday. My sister has convinced me to try baking them in ice cream cones. I hope the outcome is not disasterous. It seems easy enough and it might be fun to minorly overachieve on the mommy front for once since I usually can slack a little bit that way.

The boy is gonna be two and he is embracing his two-ness. The words are really coming out now - being strung together. He continues to fake potty and be obsessed with our dog's food and water needs. He recently added wanting to do the dishes to his list of annoying demands and can also now reach our refrigerator's water dispenser. So things are wet a lot of the time between these three things.

I know my last post was a bummer. But it's all real. And tempered by posts like today where I am more settled and happy with the world. It's really hard to continue to have the memories, good and bad, of Cian slip away - but that is countered by the fact that we are creating very fond memories with his younger bro.

three years ago today:

i changed. forever.
a room actually spun.
my son was nearly lifeless.
i had my first ambulance ride.
i saw my husband weep.
i felt both suicidal and homicidal.
i learned my son had cancer.
he got a balloon.
a nurse made me tea.
i laid awake on a pleather resource room couch all night.
i cried so hard.
i knew my son was going to die.
i actually thought - this isn't happening.
but it was. and it did.

today i am mom to another little boy.
he woke up damn near exuberant today, as if so say:
i'm here and i'm not going anywhere.
i'm healthy.
i'm a legacy.
today will be normal.

i miss the me of august 23 2006. the one who thought everything was going to be okay, no matter what the obstacle. it's hard to lose your optimism.

where does the time go?

So not only is it August (sigh), it is less than four weeks till Paudie is 2. I cannot believe he is going to be 2! And he is really embracing his twoness. We don't really have any plans for his bday, going to be lowkey this year I think. Turning one felt like this incredible milestone - and I guess it was since we failed to get there with Cian - but 2 has a different vibe. I've lost a fair amount of my paranoia - today I actually bought him jeans that he will have to grow into. This might be the first time I've done that. It's as if I am accepting he is here to stay.

Last night Paudie found an old pacifier that he never used - he picked it up and said, 'bink.' I love it! I love he knows things that I don't know he knows! It makes me wonder what else is going on in that blonde little head of his.

We broke down and bought a tent topper for his crib in the hopes that we could get him back into it since the bed is a bust. Not happening. It seems he is permanently bunking with us. Maybe when he is a tad older we can sell being zipped in with mesh material as a camping adventure... but for now it just makes him scream.

We also bought him a small potty as he seemed to suddenly become quite interested in bodily functions. Not that I thought we would actually potty train, it just seemed more manageable than him constantly angling to sit on the toilet or... interupt others that are. So now he sits on his potty fully clothed and pretends to be going. I'll take it. He still refuses to acknowledge when he needs a diaper change - in fact he tries to cover it up. I know so many other kids his age who will announce their pop status and all but change themselves, but not Pau. He tries to keep it on the downlow but the smell betrays him. Oh, and he likes to look at it.

So life is pretty good right now I must say. Ear infection is gone. Bug bite we thought infected is better. Lots of teeth are still missing - hopefully those will appear someday soon - it's not a great look missing 4 of your front-ish teeth - I really just want teething to be done. It's been going on for ages it seems. But then that would mean he has to go to the dentist. I can't even bear to get him another haircut given the blood curdling screams involved with the last one. I think I may trim it in his sleep.

lap dog

The fact that probably 1 out of every 3 pics I post is taken sitting on that couch tells you we have a small house. The pillows are always in complete disarray as well. Here you can see Pau and Banjo, BFFs. Paudie has gotten quite physical with Banjo lately - maybe it's an alpha dog or dominance thing. You can see Banjer is really okay with the whole situation.

Paudie is at home sick today. A stealthy ear infection. This marks #5 in his almost-two years here on earth. The first 4 have been painfully clear to us as he had a very high fever and total lethargy. This one just sort of appeared I guess - no fever, just a weepy eye and a night-time cough. He got an ear infection last summer as well. Go figure. So the boys are having a day together, watching the 1990's Disneyland Sing a Long DVD my sister got Pau for his first birthday. Funny how something can sit in your house idle for so long then bam, it's a must have/must watch type of thing. It just cracks me up that this 20-year old DVD is his latest fave. And man, the songs really stick in your head. To try to get him to finish dinner the other night John and I burst into "I'm walking right down the middle of Main St USA..." I'd say I'm a total loser but that can't be - I'm seeing Depeche Mode tomorrow night! 20 years of waiting! White stretch limo and all! How is that for losah?

Last weekend we took Paudie up to a friend's boat club to go for a swim in the baby pool. OMG. The boy was ecstatic. As the clock ticked towards 3:00 (and no nap) I knew we had to go - and I knew it was going to be a scene. And it was. I feel like I spent the last 15 minutes of his swim dreading our exit - I can't wait until the boy can be somewhat reasoned with - but for now everything is a bribe which I swore we would never do. So when he was hysterical I recalled having a small bag of BBQ chips - that made him quiet down. When he cries about leaving the playground, I tell him about ice cream at home. I hope I am not making him into someone who has eating issues later in life. Another mom might feel bad about this type of behavior but truly, I'm okay with it. I like Paudie to be happy. So I do what it take to make him happy.

PB&J

No, not the storied sandwich, the clever acronym that my pal Krista came up with for my family. To the left you see the P and the B. John tried many times to get that shot. The first few times he tried Banjo was the same size as Paudie. My how he has grown in the two months since he has come and... enriched our lives.

Big boy bed is a bust. Pau is back to sleeping with us, which I must confess I sort of like, well apart from the wiggling and occasional kicks to the head. It's nice to spend more time with him even if we are all basically unconscious. But I know we could be looking at a long term bad habit if we don't nip it soon. Sigh.

Had a wonderful weekend at the Cape for a friend's 40th birthday. She knows how to celebrate a milestone: cape house on the beach with great food, booze, and hot summer weather. Pau was in his glory! He got to go swimming, play in the sand, collect rocks, stay up late, sleep in, eat donuts/cake/chips, use an outdoor shower, fly a kite, play with older boys... need I say more? He was wrecked by the time we left Sunday night. He slept the whole way home Sun evening - and then was ready to go for a few more hours when we got home. It is just so amazing to see him so happy. It's as if the only thing that makes me truly happy these days is seeing him happy. Amazing how parenthood does that to you.

Had a friend dogsit the beast for the weekend - Banjo had his own playdates and fun. I volunteered to take him to obedience class last night. Bad idea after a weekend largely on his own. He was a terror. I was mortified. Pooping on the floor, biting other dogs, jumping, chewing... very disobedient typs of things. Luckily his pal at class Comet isn't far behind him... it's good that there is another C student for him to underachieve with because he could never compete with the likes of Buddy (know-it-all) or Leo (smallest dog ever).

Today is pajama day at day care. Man that is sweet. I wish we had pajama day at work but then again, there would probably be a lot of bad looks here. But I sure was jealous that all he had to do this AM was suck down some milk and get a diaper change and he was good to go.

I'm Not.

So along with all the fun, interesting and polite things Paudie is saying these days - most of which are a complete surprise such as him doing sign language for more cookies and shaking invisible maracas during the Hokey Pokey - he is also adding some negative statements to his repertoire. Last night he busted out with I'm Not. As in, "I'm not going to sleep." We have been fighting with sleep for over two weeks now. It started the night I had a babysitter lined up so we could catch a movie. We needed to leave for the movie at 7:45 - babysitter came at 7:30 - we had Pau in crib for 7. We did not see a movie that night. It's like he has superhuman energy. I blame the weather. He has no outlet to burn off.

In addition to his refusal to go to sleep is his manic climbing in and out of the crib. He climbs out just to climb back in. So he is bunking with us again - this is soooo summer 2008. I think we are off to Ikea for big boy bed. Will it solve the sleep issue, no. But at least it will be someplace to call his own much closer to the ground.

My sister and her family were here two weeks ago. Paudie had a blast with his cousins - though they are teenage girls, he seems to have quite a good time with them - they give him lots of great attention and teach him how to do things like sommersaults and pretend he's a lion tamer fighting back a lion with his fabric chair. We then headed to stay with my parents for the 4th. More late nights and.... a 104 degree fever. For those of you paying attention, the last time that happened was in April when we were... visiting my parents! One minute the boy is fine, the next he is wrecked and listless. I HATE listless. Cian was listless. Listless scares the stuffing out of me. So he had the fever on the 4th, a little better on the 5th, and pretty much back to normal on the 6th for our drive back.

I have a lot of great photos I really need to upload. Whatever happened to a wireless memory card that could automatically shoot photos over to a PC?

In other news... hmmm.... well Paudie continues to be mad about Banjo who continues to work our every last nerve with his puppy/inbred stupidness. But they have a great time together so Banjo is serving his purpose of making our son happy. Paudie continues to be obsessed with bugs. He was so delighted to see two slugs on our grill. Why they took up residence on our grill is beyond me. But he was intrigued - afterwards I realized he thought they were snakes. His appetite has been really poor (poorer than usual that is) following his virus. But the boy can be bought with a hoodsie cup pretty easily. I am hoping for the sun this weekend to run him ragged. Ma needs sleep!