one year of blah-ging

Yes, I did start this blog a year ago with the intention that I would document every iota of young Padraig's life. Paudie drooled today! Paudie got his fifth tooth today!! mmmm not so much. What is wrong with me? Why can't I be better at this? Ugh. I guess I should be happy I have the entries I do as this is basically his baby book. Yarp, didn't do one of those either. I can't figure out why the death of Cian didn't inspire me to be more on top of things with Paudie. It's like it has had the opposite effect which I didn't really expect. But in my heart I know the truth. It's an ugly truth. But as the overused and overexposed expresstion goes... it is what it is.

And that is: that I just love Padraig more. Isn't that horrible? I liken it to a person who has a near death experience. They come out on the other side appreciating their life that much more. So in the case of Cian, I of course loved him - truly, madly and deeply. But that wasn't enough I guess. In the case of Paudie, I don't obsess over the small things. I just focus on loving him more than I ever thought possible. In some ways it would be easier to focus on a baby book.

So there you have it, the secret agony of a bereaved mom. Happy New Year!

Okay I'll move on to the mundane now and stop with the drama. We had a good Christmas. Celebrated with my family in NY. Paudie got some gifts he really loved - mini animal crackers were a hit, as were the plastic velcro-y veggies, a soft lounge chair like they have in daycare and a cart of toy cleaning items (okay so it's a pretend janitor cart that they boy is crazy about). Kota the dinosaur? Well that is going to take some time.

Then we had my best friend's wedding in Rhode Island on New Year's Eve. My niece came with us and stayed in the hotel with Paudie - I was nervous he would have issues. But it alll went off without a hitch. So we had a great night out (and hangovers for two days) and Paudie got to bond with his very responsible cous for a few days.

Daycare is going really well at the moment. Napping appears to no longer be an issue. And the bottle situation? Done and done. No more bottles. That was a resolution we had for 2009 and by day 2, conquered. Paudie is tops.

Tooth 6 is finally appearing - and possible 7 and 8. So nights have been rough. He is finally saying 'mama' with some consistency (and semi-accuracy). Other words are appearing as well - doggy, no, and 'get down' of course. That continues to be repeated a lot, particularly since climbing on top of the diner booth in our kitchen is his new obsession. He was also clearing a shelf of frames on a regular basis so John finally broke down and moved them to above our window molding. He was using his drill to secure them when low and behold, Master Paudie appeard with his toy drill to help out. I love those moments, the ones where it's like, he gets it! He knows what his drill is! Then he was walking around trying to hang greeting cards on the wall. Too cute.

So there you have it. 2009 is happening and it isn't so bad.

lord of the dance

Santy and the boys

fa ra ra ra ra

Tis the season. And I have no photo to post. Why is that? Because Snapfish blows. It used to be that any photos I uploaded to the service, I could easily copy and save, full-size, to my desktop. But not anymore. It only lets me save thumbnail sized photos. Booooo! Jerks. Henceforth, no recent photos of Paudie. Because I am blogging at work, pics are on home PC.

In other news...

We all survived Thanksgiving and are in fact going back for more on Tuesday. It's pretty exhausting for us at my parent's house. I don't think there is a more un-child proofed place we have ever been. Knick-knacks everywhere. Plus kleenex, a walker, a cane, a fireplace etc etc. Everyday we have to leave the house and go for a drive just to have some peace and some rest. But we are headed back and excited for Christmas - Paudie was such a blob last Christmas, this one should be much more interesting. Though he is still pretty clueless.

Paudie had his 15 month well visit last Monday. He had his last 'peace of mind' ultrasound at 5 months (to make sure nothing in his tummy that shouldn't be there) and it had been weighing on me that so much time had gone by without any additional proactive measures. Knowing that there is no way he'd tolerate another scan at this point in his life, I talked to Cian's oncologist about having a urine test done to check certain levels of things (sorry, don't know what they are) that NB tumors excrete - so the thinking is that a normal test means no tumor activity. But the test turns a lot of false positives and can be affected by diet. I had been toying with the idea of doing it for months and finally decided we would bring a sample in when he went for his shots. Subconsciously I knew we'd never get a sample and it would all be moot.

So to the appointment we go - no sample. Within one second of the nurse coming in the room, Paudie lost his shit. I mean, really, really, really lost it. She couldn't get near him to weigh or measure him at all. It was quite frightening to see how worked up he could get over really nothing. When the doc came in, the scenario repeated. We told them we had no sample and they said they would bag his peeper and try to get some, but it was unlikely given his state. But I'll be damned, they got themselves a decent sample. As soon as the nurse walked away with it I wanted to tackle her to get it back. But I didn't.

And so the urine was off to the lab. Truth be told, I didn't think about it too much until a week had gone by and no results. Then panic started to set in. I wasn't actually concerned he had cancer, it was more that the result was high and we'd opened a can of worms for him. And that yes, maybe he had cancer. A few weeks ago I was reading a letter to the editor in US News and World Report - they had recently done a cover story on the war against cancer. The letter was from a father talking about how lacking funds are for pediatric cancer research etc. He had not one, but two children with brain tumors. I read that and it's like, my heart breaks. For this man who has to endure hell with two of his beloved... and the fact that in theory, we could be halfway to his hell. I know it's sooo unlikely, but it's a unique feature of our little fam.

Anyhoo, we finally got the word yesterday, results well within normal range. Holy shit. I almost started to cry when I got the email. The weight I felt come off of me was huge.

So we are done with NB 'peace of mind' measures. We will just do our best to raise a healthy, happy little boy. I can't take the stress. There I said it.

Onto less dramatic happenings, we attempted Santa last night. Paudie was not having any of him. But when John sat down next to Santy, all was right with the world and we got an awesome picture. I will scan and post at some point.

So there you have it. 2008 is winding down and all in all, it's been quite a year. Some not so great things, and some really special moments. But we're in such a different place than we were two years ago, I really shant complain...

Losing the Plot

So Sunday Padraig wakes up with a 104 degree fever and uncontrollable drool. By afternoon, even with motrin, he was very sleepy. I almost lost my mind. Off to the doc we went and he was diagnosed with the dreaded double ear infection. By bedtime the fever was nearing 105 degrees, even with motrin and tylenol on board.

There are no two ways about it. When Padraig gets sick, I stop functioning. I am basically in the fetal position rocking in the corner. My breathing is labored. When it is time to go to the doctor, I have to clean myself up and grab snacks with the expectation that we will have to go to the hospital and live there and maybe be accused of child abuse. No PTSD here. Oh, and then after the diagnosis I doubt the doctor for hours on end. It's great. I am so mentally healthy.

I'd like to say he has really turned the corner from his illness but I can't say. Last night was a disaster. He is symptom and fever free, but he would not sleep. All he would do is cry. Scream. Screech. For hours on end. We think maybe it was his teeth but hells, what do we know. So then I went back to the doubting-the-doctor phase. He seemed okay this am when we went to daycare, but I still think John is going to pick him up early cos if he puts on the show for Miss Wendy that he put on for us last night, he is def a daycare dropout.

Hopefully tonight will be calm. We are getting up early tomorrow to drive to Rochester for Thanksgiving with my family. There will be no shortage of walkers, canes and crutches to tempt poor Paudie.

Oh, Paudie has a phrase! It's "Get Down." Apparently between hearing at home when he climbs on the stove and any other elevated item he can find, and Wendy's pug trying to eat the children's food, he hears it a lot. And he repeats it too. Good stuff.

I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a lot that I feel really unthankful for, but mostly life is good and I am so appreciative of my wonderful husband and amazing children.

ROAR!

Finally, a Halloween pic of our little lion. It actually suits today's post quite nicely given that I had to have a talk with the daycare provider about Paudie and the fact that naps are yet again posing much grief for her and some of the other kids thanks to someone's apparent and incessant crying and whining. According to Wendy, Paudie's nap skills have deteriorated badly - yesterday's note home said he would wake every couple of minutes crying in his sleep with his eyes closed and this went on for the entire nap period. I was so stressed last night upon reading this - and learning that Wendy wanted to meet with me. Argh!
So we chatted this morning. I brought in a pillow from home and a bottle - I really think his cries are a bottle jones but I know she is very pro sippy cup. I worry he will ultimately be asked to leave the group. She admits he is an awesome kid otherwise and never cries for any other reason, is always playful and smiling - it's just the nap thing. And it's really so strange as he is going great with sleep otherwise - slept in his own crib in his own room almost all night last night! For 12 hours!!

So that's the major news. Paudie: daycare dropout.

He is getting increasingly verbal, repeating things he hears - but still not great with the mamas and dadas. His latest trick is that he has to march his empty bottle to the sink every night after he finishes it. Between that and the broom obsession, I am starting to worry he may have some OCD going on. Must have order!

We are all off to Rochester next week for Thanksgiving. My dad is finally home from the hospital, about 6 weeks after his foot amputation surgery. Sounds like he is doing allright navigating around the house - we shall see. I think my mom is struggling with him being home - she is used to being the sick one, being the one that needs all of the attention - doesn't sound like she is coping with having to share resources. Good times!

loves implements.

Paudie was helping John rake last week. Very cute stuff. He is a fan of the rake, as he is a fan of the broom and dustpan. I can't even sweep up after dinner if he is in the vicinity because it is an exercise in futility. I always give in and let him have the broom which is quite possibly his favorite toy. It's not exactly child size so I keep meaning to get him a little hand brush.

The last two weeks have been busy ones. We had friends from London stay with us for a weekend. Had a lovely visit - was our first sort of "another-couple-with-a-baby" weekend. Paudie was mostly well-behaved with their 8-month old girl. We all even managed to have a nice Sunday brunch out in the south end with little drama!

Then this past weekend was Halloween of course. Paudie was a lion and I should have those pics in about, oh say 3 weeks. He really wasn't feeling the costume at all until he went outside and started to basically run wild in the street with some of the neighbor's kids. Then he played with the candy bowl, dumping it on the floor and walking on the candy. Kids would knock on the door and I'd open it and pick candy off the floor for them. Nice. We also had a lot of visitors this weekend - an old friend Becky was over for Halloween. We reminsced about crappy plastic halloween costumes of the 70's and having to wear your coat of them and how the mask would make your face sweat. Then Paudie's godmother came by for a visit as well, not to mention John's cousins visiting from Ireland. The cousins' kids were all over playing with and and minding Paudie. Made me wish I had my own 13 year old daughter from a previous relationship or something. I should have had some foresight in my 20s that I would need help in my 30s.

Day care continues to be going mostly well. Naps are still sort of hit or miss - either really good or not so much. But at least the separation anxiety has lessened.

Next weekend looks quiet. Hooray! Hopefully Paudie will adjust to daylight savings because I can't handle too many more pre-7:00 wake ups...