The Cost of Admission

Meet Paudie.

I know, every parent thinks their children are the best, the brightest, and just all around totally awesome. But most parents don't have the experience of leaving a child behind in a hospital morgue and that is what I think sets my husband and I apart from most parents. Our adoration of this child is immeasurable. When we go to bed at night we silently think, "I hope he's here in the morning." When we wake up and he greets us we silently think, "High five." I'm not trying to make light of losing a child, I'm trying to relay what goes through the minds of bereaved parents because I think to most others, it's this total mystery that is better not explored.

Shortly after losing our son, the champion race horse Barbaro was euthanized. During the press conference announcing his death his owner said, "Grief is the price we all pay for love." So true. So unbeliveably true. Having our first child opened our eyes to a whole new world of devotion - the cliched level of love that no one knows is even possible until the bith of a first child. The decision to get pregnant again was simultaneously easy and agonizing - to have experienced the highest high and the lowest low, and to know that another baby could lift us back up - all tempered by the fear of 'what if' - what if we lost another. My mind can't even process the thought.

Paudie arrived in September, eleven months after his brother died, 18 months to the day that his brother was born. I can honestly say having him saved us. He's the reason I smile, eat, shower, pay bills, leave the house. You name it.

But he doesn't fix everything nor would I expect him to. He just makes it all infinitely better.