can we sleep now?

OMG. December has been overwhelming. Between all the shopping, wrapping and various festivities, I think our little family is drained. We have been on the go every weekend since Thanksgiving I think - a lot of this has to do with an obsession we have with getting Paudie to see and do as much as possible. All stems from losing Cian at such a young age. It's like we are blasting the child with Christmas spirit from a fire hose. He doesn't seem to mind really, loves to take it all in with wonderment, but I think he is as overtired as we are. Every morning he just lays on the couch staring at the TV with a blank look on his face, clutching his milk. We are pressed to get out of the house by 7:45 each day so we try the old 'okay then we're leaving now, bye' routine to get him up and going and most days he's like, whatev.

So things are winding down this weekend. We tried to do the Santa Claus thing last week. He wasn't having it. Wouldn't even get close to him - we settled for a high five. My iphone barely captured the moment. Sigh. This weekend we are catching up with some friends tomorrow and then Sunday... nothing! I am not leaving the house. I am wearing my PJs all day. I am not showering. I am going to epitomize a lazy slob.

We leave for an extended visit with my family on Thursday AM. This is the first time we have ever made the trip on Christmas Eve. Paudie is verrrry excited about going. Every day he asks to see his Uncle Doug. This morning he had a meltdown because we were going to daycare and not to see Doug. Paudie clearly is Doug's #1 fan. As is our dog Banjo. Anyhoo we will be in upstate NY for over a week. Santa is bringing Pau a sled so I am hoping for some snow - but not too much of course. You have to be careful what you wish for there in terms of winter weather. We really have no plans for when we are there. I am thinking lots of food, as much sleep as possible, a little shopping (we need some new ornaments!) and maybe the museum. For my husband it will be watching like 200 channels of cable, i.e., Fox Soccer Channel, and having late night snacks of pie, beer and shrimp.

So there you have it. The year is winding down and I feel completely burned out. But it's been a great year and I am really looking forward to seeing Paudie open all of his presents, as mostly boring as they are (whoo, underpants!). He has added 'Santa Claus is Coming to Town' to his singing repertoire (was previously limited to only Jingle Balls) and it's just the cutest thing. I will so miss all the light displays when they are taken down because he loves to admire them so much and point out all of the various santas and deer in our neighborhood. He is just content to drive around and look at them. Stuff like that makes me wish that '2' would last forever. That is until he smacks me in the face and tries to kick me in the stomach.

wahhhhh

Today's title refers to whining. Mine and/or Paudie's. In the last ten days or so, we have officially arrived at the terrible twos. I have to admit, for the last few months I've been thinking... this isn't so bad. Where is all the boundary pushing and general rottenness that I've heard so much about. Well it's here! OMG. How can someone who can be so loving and cute and awesome much of the time be so mean and obnxious... now much of the time! We get it in the mornings - refusing to get up, refusing to get dressed, tantrums at daycare dropoff - and we get it in the evenings with all the brilliant stalling techniques to avoid bedtime. And the little weasel has found his way back into my bed. Brutal!

We had a very busy weekend. Saturday AM was Paudie's cousin's 3rd birthday party, complete with music teacher. I thought he would be all over this since he loves music, but no, he wanted to hang in the playroom alone. My sis in law got him out, but he basically stood in the corner reading a book while most of the other kids sang and danced. Sigh. Then on several occasions I caught him taking toys off of the two younger kids that were there. My son, being a bully. Broke my heart. I know, it's his age and pretty normal, but still, it's disappointing to see.

Yesterday we hit the Polar Express train ride. Man we talked this up all week and he was super pumped for it. In return, Paudie would talk about the choo choo and the circus - not sure where that piece came from. Once we got on the train, he was all wide eyed and excited. Then he started to shove John away any time he would touch him. Wow did that annoy John. It's like Paudie was a teenager and John was parked outside the highschool honking his horn or something. Then we broke the giant cookie in half he got on the train as a treat. Well my god. This apparently ruined the cookie. Jaysus. The ride home was misery. We got in the car just in time to hear the Patriots lose, and then when I forced Purell onto Paudie's hands... mayjah dramaz. It's like, really Paudie? Really?? It has to be this way?

So there you have it. Just in time for the holidays, lots of tears and time outs at our house. Don't get me wrong, there are still bright spots. Last night John heard Paudie on his toy cell phone - he ordered a pizza with broccoli. An act that is both sad and encouraging all at the same time. I just want there to be more of those moments and less of the boundary pushing shiz, but I guess this is going to be how it is for the next 18 years or so. Sigh. It was nice while it lasted.

One last thing - about the photo. I have no idea whay Paudie's arm is all wet. I suppose it might have something to do with an act that preceded him pretending to cut Banjo's leg off.

tanks a lot

Today's title is in reference to my husband's accent that always doesn't yield an 'aich' sound - used to crack me up when he'd call someone a 'tug.' So here on Thanksgiving eve it's all about the thanks cos right now, this moment at 11:06 AM, I have much to be thankful for. Sure, a lot of things that I feel I got totally gipped (is that how you spell it?) on, but let's face it, for today, November 25 at 11:07 AM, things are good. I have a healthy, energetic son who is the light of my life and a wonderful husband who cooks for me and drives me around. My family is, for the most part, healthy - another year has almost passed and no major, or unexpected, crisises. I have amazing friends, a job that doesn't keep me up at night, a roof over my head, and food on the table. I have a little boy in heaven watching over me.

This year I am especially thankful to be staying put! No travel for us. We are doing dinner on our own for the first time ever. Hopefully the beast of a turkey John bought will defrost in time! I am looking forward to a really traditional, homecooked meal, and the start of the holiday season because Paudie is going to go full tilt this year, I know it. He is already starting to point out lights and Santa Claus. This weekend we will take him to a lighting display where we live and hopefully a parade welcoming Santa. We took him to that parade when he was 3 months old and I remember wishing we could fast forward time and be at a place that he would be aware of it and enjoy it - and here we are. The next few weekends are jampacked with fun holiday stuff. All makes me finally understand that Christmas is really for your children - finally some joy to all the running around and shopping.

So there you have it, an upbeat post from I, Eeyore. Hope you and yours have a lovely Thanksgiving and that despite what might be happening in your own lives that wasn't as expected or as hoped, you too feel blessed for the things you do have that make getting up every day worth it.

better every day

Awww. Look at that face! Funny how in a year we went from a cute and cuddly lion at Halloween to a spider. Though Pau wasn't exactly a scary black widow. I was so afraid he wouldn't wear his costume but he embraced it for the most part, and had a really fun night. We hit about 5 houses, but he was way more into actually handing candy out to the 100 or so kids that came by. During quiet moments he would yell, "Come on kids." He only threw the bowl on the ground once, and we got away with giving him minimal candy. What a great night.

While the title of today's post refers to my feelings on parenting, I suppose it could also refer to my feelings about myself right now. But the intent was to reflect how (warning: cliches ahead) every day we wake up and this bouncy little creature comes into us and says or does something completely unexpected and different than the day before. It's all such an adventure. Today John asked him "had you a good night's sleep" and Paudie replied "yup" without missing a beat. Every day it's something new and something brilliant. It's just the best and I just look at Paudie with wonder and think, I owe this kid so much.

The fall, though sort of bumpy in October, has been a lot of fun. Luckily we have all stayed healthy. I am very excited for the holidays this year - Paudie is all about decorations. Loves to point out lights and the large ornaments hanging from the mall ceiling. Along with high pitched squealing of course. I can't wait to see how he reacts to a Christmas tree, though I suspect between him and Banjo, there could be trouble. More with the latter. Knowing it will soon be card time, we decided we couldn't go without the boy having a real haircut any longer (the last and only was in May) so that was our Saturday outing. We talked it up and tried to get him pumped. We got to the place and had to wait 30 mins - kept him going with suckers. He was in a a great mood, running around and playing. We thought, could it be? Could he have grown out of his haircut fear? Then when the moment of truth came... screaming and tears. Paudie clung to John's chest. The woman perservered though and eventually Pau calmed a little bit. He ended up with a very cute yet surprisingly mature cut. I think he looks like he is 4.

Afterwards we went to the Cheesecake Factory which I thought would be a disaster because it was late in the day - and it was. Paudie was very poorly behaved. Would not sit still or eat. There was a couple next to us with a 10 month old (or so) and they just kept staring at us, particularly when Paudie threw himself on the ground and spit his food out his mouth. I wanted to say to them "HE'S ONLY TWO!!!!! He's just tall for his age. And has a mature haircut," because I felt like they were thinking, can't these people control their teenager? Strangers will ask Paudie his name and he just stares at them, no response. I guess I am being sensitive but I know kids who are tall/look older can be treated differently. Sometimes as I hear John trying to rationalize with him about something I think he even forgets that Paudie isn't really there yet.

But all in all, life is good at this moment.

Dinner for two

Was what we had last night - yes, for the 3rd time in 2 years, John and I had a night out. Okay so 90 minutes out. It was our 5 year anniversary and for the past four years we have largely ignored it and laid low, but given we now have a proven/neighborhood resource for childminding, we decided dinner was in order. Paudie barely batted an eye when we left - from the front yard I tried to peer through the curtains to make sure he was okay but couldn't see a thing. Note to self: leave curtains open a bit next time. We went to a restaurant about 5 mins from our house and try as we could to extend our night out, we were home 75 minutes later. Baby steps I guess - this time two hours, next time three. But I have to say, I now know a lot more about my husband's current job. Amazing what quiet/focused time can do for information gathering.

Last Sunday we took Paudie to a memorial service for the kids that died at Children's from cancer. We went two years ago but even though I knew what to expect - god I was a mess. An utter mess. Paudie wasn't having any of the service so John had to take him out - and there I sat alone, bawling. Hysterically. I didn't see anyone else as messy as I was - but man, the heartbreak in the room was effing palpable. Cian was one of only three babies remembered that day - really striking as to how little life he got to experience. And now this weekend we have a service for organ donors - the quilt his square is on is being displayed. So another messy afternoon I am sure - but that's what October is really about anyways for us I guess. There is definitely an element of catharsis to these events - really reflecting on what happened, why, where we are now - and is it where we want to be. That is the $50, 000 question.

And in all of this Paudie remains oblivious. The clinical staff that knew us at last week's event were thrilled to meet him - genuinely happy for us. But he doesn't have a clue. I think he thinks pics of Cian are pics of him. I often wonder what he'll do in school when he is asked to draw a picture of his family. I hope he includes Cian.

Onto lighter topics - Paudie is going as a spider this year for halloween. Well, that is the costume I have for him, it remains to be seen if he really wears it. It isn't a creepy spider, but you never know with this kid what is going to spook him. While he has interest in pumpkins, store halloween displays make him cling to his dad. I am contemplating carving a pumpkin this year - we painted a small one last weekend, but I think he could be really pumped for the carving experience. It's been ages since I carved. Hmmm. I know if I do, it will turn into a thing. And toddlers and sharp implements don't mix well. Do they still sell those safety carving knives I wonder? Though I really do want to kick it old school with the kitchen knife like Barb DeLee would.

more of that bittersweetness

Had a fine time with my family in upstate NY last week. We took in the Applefest - a claim to fame of my hometown - though it was crawling with people and bees. It was a quick visit and reminiscence. We also spent time with my mom at the nursing home where she won over Paudie with the likings of pretzels, crackers and cookies. And some broccoli. He gets that from his dad. Also went to a petting zoo where he squealed like a little girl at the site of goats and chickens, that he lovingly referred to as 'chicken nuggets.' Also got to visit a firehouse near my sister's place. He talked about the fire trucks all afternoon then when we got there - deer in headlights. Spent most of the time marveling at the small bus they had - I guess to transport firemen? Finally towards the end of the event we coaxed him onto the pumper and the above pic is what we got. Good stuff all around. The time always goes so fast when we are there but it tends to be very relaxing for me to be 'at home' and I so enjoy watching Pau and my family interact with each other.

Have to say he was a trooper for the 7-hour ride home. In great spirits the whole entire time. Perhaps he was making up for the 90 minutes of screaming on the way there, in the midst of really lousy, rainy weather on the very dark Thruway.

Since we didn't get around to getting a pumpkin in NY, due to the worst meltdown in Paudie's 2 year history as it was time to leave the petting zoo (he put Goose bay to shame), we found a fun little patch here and went on Saturday. They give you your own little red wagon to haul out into the field to wheel back your goods in. Paudie was all about trying to carry the pumpkins. He really does seem to enjoy moving and lifting things. Nothing makes his eyes light up like the notion that something may be too heavy for one person to carry. As we were leaving the farm he saw the hayride go by and was bawling his eyes out for 'tracka.' I made John go back, there I said it. I don't know - are we spoiling him by not setting boundaries? I don't think so. I feel like it is a tease to let a boy who looooves tractors see one go by with the $1 opportunity to hop on and not take advantage. It's not like we were avoiding it, it just never went near us the whole time we were there. As I was waiting in the car for the boys to come back I heard another mom say to he husband, let's get out of here before he (small boy) sees the hayride and that made me think - am I a softy? I guess yeah, I am.

Speaking of farms, Paudie is at another today with his cousins having what John says is yet again, the time of his life. Ugh, I'm so jealous! I want to have the time of my life nearly every day!

So it wouldn't be me on October 12th if I didn't take the time to point out that tomorrow is the 3 year anniversary of Cian's death. Three years. That means he has been gone about 6 times the amount of time he was with us. As you can imagine, that means memories of him are getting harder to hang on to, particularly because newborns aren't exactly creating indelible memories for their parents left and right. It's so hard. I miss him so much. But as I have said before, in some ways his passing was easier for me to grasp than his diagnosis. And it's not because I'm some overly religious type who thinks, 'oh now he is at home with Jesus.' Yeah, I know that works for some bereaved parents and I have no problem with that - but it doesn't work for me. All I know is that he was suffering dearly those last few days and all I could say is, give me a lifetime of pain and sadness to take away his. So that's what happened. The trauma was his diagnosis. The leap from thinking you have a perfectly healthy baby that is going to give you a lifetime of happiness (which in some ways, he did) to one that is terminally ill is much greater than the leap to death.

In all of this there is Paudie. Paudie who when he was mere ounces and centimeters pulled me up and out of bed every day. Paudie who when he says, 'bye mommy' to me every morning eradicates a fear that I once had of never being called that. Paudie is here because Cian is not. Not that we didn't want to have other children, the plan was always to wait till Cian was a year old before taking any of those steps. But we revised that plan and were given the most tremendous gift. Not that we didn't deserve it, but I'm not naive. Losing one child doesn't automatically qualify you for another - though it should.

I always feel much better when I wake up on Oct 13 as opposed to Oct 12. At least then it is here. And you face it head on. Enough of the anticipation.

the little deviant

Sunday we took Paudie apple picking with his cousins. I had to laugh at this picture because he looks like such a loner! So aloof! We've always joked that he has a fierce independent streak, likes to do things his way. As I looked closer at this pic, what really caught me was the satanic look on his face. Okay so maybe that is a bit strong, but he does kinda look like he could be in a movie about an orphan that wishes harm upon his parents.

The real excitement this week was getting a note home that there was a biting incident at daycare. Our boy = the biter. He had been biting us playfully at home earlier in the week - I thought it was just his teething as the missing teeth in front are still MIA but appear to be coming down. Apparently he was driving a car that one of the girls was holding onto and this made our boy none too happy. He had some good initial strategies with her - told her 'no' repeatedly, then tried to pry her fingers off of the car. We had to talk to Wendy about the incident the following day and she didn't seem too worried - thought it was better that he bit out of anger than just randomly, and besides, wasn't his first instinct to try and deal. John thinks he is just imitating Banjo as we have also noticed increased licking this week - my arm, the door - chewing on the baseboard, and attempting to drink out of his water dish. And eat his food. I just hope he isn't a biter. As a child my neighbor was a biter - that's just a bad scene.

We also had our two-year well visit last week. Paudie was almost hyperventilating in the car was we were parking - have never seen him act that way. He was a mess inside the office. He got two shots and a finger prick - calmed down somewhat after that, till the doc came in. Then the roaring started again. Even through the tears he was open to giving the doc 5 - so polite. Every time we are at the doctor and he acts that way I think, this boy could never deal with having cancer. Maybe Cian would have eventually acted that way, but man, Paudie HATES doctors.

As for vitals, he is 36.5 inches tall and 28 lbs - 97% and 50%. The pants situation is getting hard - needs 2-3T length and 12-19 month waist. So he either wears floods or droopy drawers. The poor thing. so much easier to just put shorts on him!

two.

So the boy is two. My cupcakes were largely successful - this pic was taken at daycare, Pau and the girls. I am so glad they are wearing the old-school hats. I was a little overzealous for his first birthday and bought some and if I recall, he merely chewed off the tips of them. I meant to bring the leftover hats to daycare but forgot because my brain is rather sieve-like these days. So I was thrilled to see Wendy was well-prepared. The other kids sang and Paudie was delighted. By the time his party #2 rolled around with some friends, the singing gave him a jolt and some anxiety, but he recovered. By #3 with my family, he was a crying mess. Ditto on #4 with John's family. But in both cases, he collected himself pronto as the song concluded and masterfully blew out his candle. I was taken aback by how good he was actually - I expected much more spit.

So the 5-day extended bday weekend was good. I loved watching him open gifts - which he has also become quite good at - and he seemed to enjoy each of them. Not to mention each tiny shred of wrapping paper as it came off.

Yesterday when the boys picked me at the T, Pau was being quite whiney because he wanted to go on the choo choo. I told him we would go again soon, and I swear he replied 'okay.' Prior to that he replied 'cool' to something I said. Last night he was saying "I watch tv." The TV thing is getting a little bad. He loves Diego. God knows why, but he does. He has gotten used to me turning it off a few minutes into it, or turning the channel. So last night he runs in the room when he hears Click singing and takes the remote away from me and places it on a table that would require me getting out of my seated position to retrieve. Smart kid.

Oh - and get this. On Saturday he was doing his usual 'want to potty' routine which really means want to get naked. So I put the potty topper on the toilet and placed him on it - and he peed! Just a little amount, but I don't know who was more shocked. I called John over - and then he peed again. I thought - hmmmm, are we onto something? But no. It was just a fluke. I think we have a minimum of 6 more months of diapers ahead of us.

It's very cool out today - summer is clearly over. We are looking at a very quiet weekend which is great - need to decompress after 8 weekends of buzy-ness. This week John finally finished fencing the backyard in - Banjo had run away twice last week. Once he made it over to the T stop which isn't exactly too close to our house. I really have to give props to John for chasing his ass down because I really thought he was gone, and really didn't feel all that bad about it. The next day he only made it across the street when he got blocked in to a fenced-in yard. Man you should have seen me dragging his bum home. I was livid. Then on Weds night he escaped out the frontdoor - but a big dog scared him straight home. Why oh why is he hellbent on running away from us? Doesn't he have a good home? It's so frustrating. The speed is unreal. It's quite a feeling to just watch your dog - the one you just spent $250 on at the vet and then whatever the fence cost - run away from you at lightning speed, through yards and bushes. You just stand there helpless. Jerk.

What you talking about willis?

Summer is over. Wah. Though I must say, for the most part we jam packed a lot of fun into the last 8 weeks (no, June doesn't count). This past weekend we did the Day out with Thomas at Edaville. Not that Paudie is a huge Thomas fan, but with lots of hand me down toys and books from his cousins, and an overall love of choo-choos, we figured it would be a good bday event. This pic was taken as we were waiting for Thomas to pull away from the station, 9:30 AM. The deer in headlights look sort of stayed with the boy all morning long. Not sure if he was half asleep, not feeling well, or just overwhelmed by all the kids his size and age, not to mention small rides and other toddler fare. But man, when it was time to leave, he really lost his shiz. He was on an airplane ride that he looked rather whatev about but as soon as John tried to get him off - dramaz.

So I can't believe he is going to be two in just a matter of days. Sometimes it seems like he is still a baby, other times it is like he is ten. I will say he is showing an intense interest in bday gifts - opening them and oooohing and aaaahing over small details. Very cute stuff. We only got him two small gifts this year, and no party. We did the bash last year and I felt exhausted afterwards. One felt like such a huge milestone for us - I guess it was - but 2 feels more, I don't know, not as remarkable? But just because we are not having a party does not mean there isn't cake and lots of it in his future! I am baking (or perhaps John is, not sure yet) cupcakes for daycare on Friday. My sister has convinced me to try baking them in ice cream cones. I hope the outcome is not disasterous. It seems easy enough and it might be fun to minorly overachieve on the mommy front for once since I usually can slack a little bit that way.

The boy is gonna be two and he is embracing his two-ness. The words are really coming out now - being strung together. He continues to fake potty and be obsessed with our dog's food and water needs. He recently added wanting to do the dishes to his list of annoying demands and can also now reach our refrigerator's water dispenser. So things are wet a lot of the time between these three things.

I know my last post was a bummer. But it's all real. And tempered by posts like today where I am more settled and happy with the world. It's really hard to continue to have the memories, good and bad, of Cian slip away - but that is countered by the fact that we are creating very fond memories with his younger bro.

three years ago today:

i changed. forever.
a room actually spun.
my son was nearly lifeless.
i had my first ambulance ride.
i saw my husband weep.
i felt both suicidal and homicidal.
i learned my son had cancer.
he got a balloon.
a nurse made me tea.
i laid awake on a pleather resource room couch all night.
i cried so hard.
i knew my son was going to die.
i actually thought - this isn't happening.
but it was. and it did.

today i am mom to another little boy.
he woke up damn near exuberant today, as if so say:
i'm here and i'm not going anywhere.
i'm healthy.
i'm a legacy.
today will be normal.

i miss the me of august 23 2006. the one who thought everything was going to be okay, no matter what the obstacle. it's hard to lose your optimism.

where does the time go?

So not only is it August (sigh), it is less than four weeks till Paudie is 2. I cannot believe he is going to be 2! And he is really embracing his twoness. We don't really have any plans for his bday, going to be lowkey this year I think. Turning one felt like this incredible milestone - and I guess it was since we failed to get there with Cian - but 2 has a different vibe. I've lost a fair amount of my paranoia - today I actually bought him jeans that he will have to grow into. This might be the first time I've done that. It's as if I am accepting he is here to stay.

Last night Paudie found an old pacifier that he never used - he picked it up and said, 'bink.' I love it! I love he knows things that I don't know he knows! It makes me wonder what else is going on in that blonde little head of his.

We broke down and bought a tent topper for his crib in the hopes that we could get him back into it since the bed is a bust. Not happening. It seems he is permanently bunking with us. Maybe when he is a tad older we can sell being zipped in with mesh material as a camping adventure... but for now it just makes him scream.

We also bought him a small potty as he seemed to suddenly become quite interested in bodily functions. Not that I thought we would actually potty train, it just seemed more manageable than him constantly angling to sit on the toilet or... interupt others that are. So now he sits on his potty fully clothed and pretends to be going. I'll take it. He still refuses to acknowledge when he needs a diaper change - in fact he tries to cover it up. I know so many other kids his age who will announce their pop status and all but change themselves, but not Pau. He tries to keep it on the downlow but the smell betrays him. Oh, and he likes to look at it.

So life is pretty good right now I must say. Ear infection is gone. Bug bite we thought infected is better. Lots of teeth are still missing - hopefully those will appear someday soon - it's not a great look missing 4 of your front-ish teeth - I really just want teething to be done. It's been going on for ages it seems. But then that would mean he has to go to the dentist. I can't even bear to get him another haircut given the blood curdling screams involved with the last one. I think I may trim it in his sleep.

lap dog

The fact that probably 1 out of every 3 pics I post is taken sitting on that couch tells you we have a small house. The pillows are always in complete disarray as well. Here you can see Pau and Banjo, BFFs. Paudie has gotten quite physical with Banjo lately - maybe it's an alpha dog or dominance thing. You can see Banjer is really okay with the whole situation.

Paudie is at home sick today. A stealthy ear infection. This marks #5 in his almost-two years here on earth. The first 4 have been painfully clear to us as he had a very high fever and total lethargy. This one just sort of appeared I guess - no fever, just a weepy eye and a night-time cough. He got an ear infection last summer as well. Go figure. So the boys are having a day together, watching the 1990's Disneyland Sing a Long DVD my sister got Pau for his first birthday. Funny how something can sit in your house idle for so long then bam, it's a must have/must watch type of thing. It just cracks me up that this 20-year old DVD is his latest fave. And man, the songs really stick in your head. To try to get him to finish dinner the other night John and I burst into "I'm walking right down the middle of Main St USA..." I'd say I'm a total loser but that can't be - I'm seeing Depeche Mode tomorrow night! 20 years of waiting! White stretch limo and all! How is that for losah?

Last weekend we took Paudie up to a friend's boat club to go for a swim in the baby pool. OMG. The boy was ecstatic. As the clock ticked towards 3:00 (and no nap) I knew we had to go - and I knew it was going to be a scene. And it was. I feel like I spent the last 15 minutes of his swim dreading our exit - I can't wait until the boy can be somewhat reasoned with - but for now everything is a bribe which I swore we would never do. So when he was hysterical I recalled having a small bag of BBQ chips - that made him quiet down. When he cries about leaving the playground, I tell him about ice cream at home. I hope I am not making him into someone who has eating issues later in life. Another mom might feel bad about this type of behavior but truly, I'm okay with it. I like Paudie to be happy. So I do what it take to make him happy.

PB&J

No, not the storied sandwich, the clever acronym that my pal Krista came up with for my family. To the left you see the P and the B. John tried many times to get that shot. The first few times he tried Banjo was the same size as Paudie. My how he has grown in the two months since he has come and... enriched our lives.

Big boy bed is a bust. Pau is back to sleeping with us, which I must confess I sort of like, well apart from the wiggling and occasional kicks to the head. It's nice to spend more time with him even if we are all basically unconscious. But I know we could be looking at a long term bad habit if we don't nip it soon. Sigh.

Had a wonderful weekend at the Cape for a friend's 40th birthday. She knows how to celebrate a milestone: cape house on the beach with great food, booze, and hot summer weather. Pau was in his glory! He got to go swimming, play in the sand, collect rocks, stay up late, sleep in, eat donuts/cake/chips, use an outdoor shower, fly a kite, play with older boys... need I say more? He was wrecked by the time we left Sunday night. He slept the whole way home Sun evening - and then was ready to go for a few more hours when we got home. It is just so amazing to see him so happy. It's as if the only thing that makes me truly happy these days is seeing him happy. Amazing how parenthood does that to you.

Had a friend dogsit the beast for the weekend - Banjo had his own playdates and fun. I volunteered to take him to obedience class last night. Bad idea after a weekend largely on his own. He was a terror. I was mortified. Pooping on the floor, biting other dogs, jumping, chewing... very disobedient typs of things. Luckily his pal at class Comet isn't far behind him... it's good that there is another C student for him to underachieve with because he could never compete with the likes of Buddy (know-it-all) or Leo (smallest dog ever).

Today is pajama day at day care. Man that is sweet. I wish we had pajama day at work but then again, there would probably be a lot of bad looks here. But I sure was jealous that all he had to do this AM was suck down some milk and get a diaper change and he was good to go.

I'm Not.

So along with all the fun, interesting and polite things Paudie is saying these days - most of which are a complete surprise such as him doing sign language for more cookies and shaking invisible maracas during the Hokey Pokey - he is also adding some negative statements to his repertoire. Last night he busted out with I'm Not. As in, "I'm not going to sleep." We have been fighting with sleep for over two weeks now. It started the night I had a babysitter lined up so we could catch a movie. We needed to leave for the movie at 7:45 - babysitter came at 7:30 - we had Pau in crib for 7. We did not see a movie that night. It's like he has superhuman energy. I blame the weather. He has no outlet to burn off.

In addition to his refusal to go to sleep is his manic climbing in and out of the crib. He climbs out just to climb back in. So he is bunking with us again - this is soooo summer 2008. I think we are off to Ikea for big boy bed. Will it solve the sleep issue, no. But at least it will be someplace to call his own much closer to the ground.

My sister and her family were here two weeks ago. Paudie had a blast with his cousins - though they are teenage girls, he seems to have quite a good time with them - they give him lots of great attention and teach him how to do things like sommersaults and pretend he's a lion tamer fighting back a lion with his fabric chair. We then headed to stay with my parents for the 4th. More late nights and.... a 104 degree fever. For those of you paying attention, the last time that happened was in April when we were... visiting my parents! One minute the boy is fine, the next he is wrecked and listless. I HATE listless. Cian was listless. Listless scares the stuffing out of me. So he had the fever on the 4th, a little better on the 5th, and pretty much back to normal on the 6th for our drive back.

I have a lot of great photos I really need to upload. Whatever happened to a wireless memory card that could automatically shoot photos over to a PC?

In other news... hmmm.... well Paudie continues to be mad about Banjo who continues to work our every last nerve with his puppy/inbred stupidness. But they have a great time together so Banjo is serving his purpose of making our son happy. Paudie continues to be obsessed with bugs. He was so delighted to see two slugs on our grill. Why they took up residence on our grill is beyond me. But he was intrigued - afterwards I realized he thought they were snakes. His appetite has been really poor (poorer than usual that is) following his virus. But the boy can be bought with a hoodsie cup pretty easily. I am hoping for the sun this weekend to run him ragged. Ma needs sleep!

secure in his manhood

Wendy is now posting daycare photos to her Facebook account, which is very nice as I get a glimpse into what Paudie's day to day is like. The crew seems to enjoy dress-up time on their indoor days. As you can see here, my very boyish boy (mud, bugs, climbing, trucks, trains) makes a very pretty debutante type girl. He is wearing the ensamble with a lot of confidence. I particularly like the hat.

The sun has finally returned to New England, albeit very briefly, but enough to get the boy outside and running around a soccer field with a ball. This last week has been very hard with him. He is alt out refusing to go to bed. Last Saturday he crawled out over the side of his crib for the first time and I sort of wonder if all of this is connected? He used to just go right down and drift off, now we are enduring hours and hours (okay, hour and hour) of tears and hysterics. Last night he was up till 10:15, and up at 6:30 this AM. I am sure he is in fab form today. We know one of his molars is coming in so perhaps it is just more teething pain but whatever the cause, brutal. So you have this one bawling upstairs, and Banjo, who cries when Paudie does (in the "ouch this hurts my ears way"), howling downstairs. It can be a little maddening depending on the day you have just had. We try go have this happy, light environment and here 50% of us are crying. What gives?

I had planned to start Paudie on peanut butter soon but our doc's office is saying to wait until he is 3. I am really questioning the advice. Did my mom wait till I was 3? I doubt it. He just needs another high-protein, easily traveled food option badly. But if I don't wait, he'll have a reaction and I'll get the I Told You So face from some nurse. And I don't want that. Drat.

We are off to Rochester on Weds - hoping for some warm weather and some swimming, ice cream, burgers and maybe even a carnival or something. Paudie is going to have a blast...

stuck.

Stuck is Paudie's new word. Things get stuck a lot for him - his socks on his feet is the most common. He says it with the most pained look on his face. And he repeats it over and over until things are unstuck. He is also a fan of the word 'why.' But it's more like, wah-hi. Very cute and facilitates good conversation. He is starting to bust out with 'I dunno' and yesterday he said 'rock' for the first time. Oh, and he is also saying Thank You and Bless You (after a sneeze - not randomly) which blows our mind. I think it has to be a daycare thing, which we are thrilled about because there aren't a ton of manners at our house. I am still working on controlling my occasionally obnxious burping. And language of course.

Last weekend we were at Nolan's third annual Lemonade Stand. Year one I was pregnant (and in upstate NY), last year Paudie was a blob, but this year, this year he had a blast. Between the sugar and the goldfish-cracker-like-whales, the sidewalk chalk, other kids, a ride-on toy, a bat, and a wheelbarrow of dirt - it was sick, as Nolan might say. Later that night we hit the Quincy Flag Day parade. We had a hunch a parade might be his thing and right we were. He, and his $8.00 Diego blow-up on a stick, were marching all over the place, occasionally almost into the parade itself. He loved all the noise. What an awesome day he had.

Banjo and Paudie are continuing to bond. It may be my imagination but it does seem that Banjo isn't as nippy and bitey towards Paudie as he had been. Paudie continued to be obsessed with the food and water bowls. Imagine my delight as I turned around recently to see Paudie at the water bowl, on all fours, lapping at the water with his tongue. Thankfully I had just given Banjer clean water moments before.

This weekend we are slated for two first birthday partys - Paudie will be in heaven. He loves other kids, being out and social. Too bad the June dampness and gloom look to be continuing into the weekend. We are also contemplating trying peanut butter with him soon. Now I am sure my mother did not agonize over when to try it with me, but it seems to be the thing to do these days. I am so hopeful he will dig it as we really need another food option for him, though I must say his eating has improved along with his activity level.

before, during and after

hair-sterics

Sat morn we took Paudie to Snip-its, a hair salon for kids. We did this because: 1. the boy's hair was getting a little skraggly (is that a word?); 2. a previous attempt to cut his hair two months ago at our house was not successful; 3. they sent me a coupon. He was quite intrigued with the place at first - lots of toys, and noise, and other kids. Actually there were two other boys there younger than him getting their first hair cuts as well. Everyone was happy as Larry.

As soon as John tried to lower Paudie into the chair... hysterics. I mean, crazy hysterics, the kind Pau usually reserves for the pediatrician. I thought the woman would be all, buh-bye, but she hung in, and cut his hair as he was clung to John for dear life. It felt sort of sad seeing his hair go (though I told her to take it easy - I didn't want a buzz cut for him) and watching him transform into like a 10 year old boy. As soon as she was finishing, the storm passed and he lightened up. I think the lollipop I shuved in his mouth had soothed him. Yay for sugar! I will post the before and after photos soon.

So it took a few days to adjust to Paudie's new look. But I'm there. It just makes him seem so... mature now. Like last night after dinner (OMG, he ate like his whole dinner - fish and veggies, what we were having - for the first time ever!), as I cleaned up and John was out with the dog, he just sat at the table, content, playing with a truck, making truck-like noises. Ugh! Where is our baby?

We also took Paudie on the T last weekend - he is obsessed with trains and trucks and diggers. Calls them all choo-choos and points like a madman as we drive. He was shellshocked when we got on the train. It was delightful. What a low-cost way to entertain a small boy. We took him into the Garden and did the swan boats, which he sat quite still for thanks to the goldfish crackers in my bag. They resolve ants in pants. After we got pizza and sat on the Common. All in all, a great day.

Can you feel the love?

Paudie is still adjusting to Banjo. The love-hate is still ongoing. Banjo is still pooping in only 3 places - our house, our car, or a one-square foot area of flower bed in our backyard. Clearly, much work to be done. The biting and chewing and nipping are showing no signs of alleviating, but I am getting decent exercise from the amount of times I have to get up from a seated position to retrieve something from Banjo's mouth that really shouldn't be there. This week I actually wa successful in forcing him to spit his own poop out (this was outdoors at least).

Paudie is a trooper. I think he and Banjo will be great friends. Someday.

Hard to believe our boy is going to be 21 months old next week. His language is coming fast now - even Wendy comments on how he is doing a great job stringing words together. Of course I have no examples of this at the moment. He still refuses to say yes or nod his head, and he still prefers to keep the presence of poop in his diaper to himself - though the smell continues to betray him. He continues to be fascinated by water - turning on taps, playing in the dog's water - last week he darted into the ocean down at Wollaston Beach - gave us a scare. And John very wet pants and shoes.

On Sunday we went to New Balance and Pau was on fire - screeching, running around the store, saying hi to people. One elderly man commented on him being very social. By the end of our trip, he noted that we seemed to have our hands full. What does thay say about us, or rather me since John was shopping and I was in charge of wrangling? I mean, he is only one kid. You think I can't handle that? heee. I totally can't! To pass the time I tried the most awesome pair of Elmo NB sneakers on Pau and angsted over if they were worth $30 or not. It's crazy - you have a kid and it's all about their fashion and looks and meanwhile you're wearing aging flip flops and scrapped up clothes. I passed on the sneakers - we had just bought two pairs the day before and John was mortified I was seriously considering a third.

Here's hoping the New England weather turns soon - this week has been cold and wet and depressing and not conducive to burning off toddler energy. Very conducive to conserving my energy though so there is the tradeoff.

... and Banjo was his name-o

Wow, almost a month since my last post. Where does the time go?

Really the last few weeks have been consumed by the newest addition to our family, a 5-month old beagle/springer spaniel (or a springle - yeah I made that up) pup named Banjo. We had been casually talking about getting a dog for Paudie since he is so crazy for them and we liked the looks of springer spaniels. Saw Banjo on Petfinder - he was in Alabama but being adopted to the New England area via a group in Maine. I filled out the app more or less on a whim... then BAM, Banjo is ours. Actually, his name had been Connor - when we asked Pau what he wanted to name is doggie, he said something very close to Banjo - which is a fitting southern boy name.

So Pau and Banjo have an interesting, love hate relationship. Banjo is a very bitey, chewey dog. He especially loves to nibble on Paudie and boy, can those teeth hurt sometimes. So there have been tears between the nipping and the occasional knockdown. I feel as if we are going through the baby proofing process all over again as newspapers, cups, clothes, shoes... all these things we were finally able to sort of leave out at will all are being placed out of reach again. In fact, our house is starting to look like a couple of minimalists live there.

Banjo's presence is having some interesting effects on Pau though - in a good way - so no, it's not all tears. For the first few days, Pau definitely had issues with his alpha status in our house. He was shocked to see his parents tripping over themselves to pay attention to someone else - even if it was all screeching not to pee or poop under the radiator. So in the beginning there was some cute sort of acting out - look at me mom! In the past week, that has translated into more verbal communication. It's very cute. He continues to say hi and bye to anyone who will look his way - including neighbors we have never spoken to in our lives, a gas station attendant and a creepy man wearing a wife beater and sweeping the sidewalk in Arlington. His speech is also getting clearer.

Beyond Banjo, not much else going on at our house. That is enough. I really wish I were a heartier person that could take on more than a toddler and a puppy but sorry to say, that ain't me right now. The bar is very low. I sometimes feel like I am elderly. Like I look back on things I did even a few years ago - travel for work as one example, and am all, oh the things I used to do, the places I have been. I hate it. Why can't my constitution pick up a bit? I am hopeful that summer will bring out more energy and that perhaps I'm just in the dumps from the cool spring weather.

Have some nice shots of the boy and the dog, will attempt to post soon. But you know I can't really do more than like one thing a day right now. Maybe I should look into coke.

pass the ketchup

So last week we had a radical discovery at the dinner table: P likes ketchup. No, wait... P loves ketchup. He is a dunking fiend. We realized this during fish sticks, which is semi-plausible, but since have translated it to really any meal. Last night it was just P and I and he was struggling (i.e., chewing/spitting) with his chicken, peas and wild grain rice meal - so over I went and grabbed my red friend. Squeezed on some condiment and he was good to do. Was even saying 'mo kthecjejop' at one point. Which I translated as 'more ketchup.' Is this bad? I know it's high in sodium, but he eats so much better with it. Then I recalled how I used to eat macaronis and ketchup so I guess it's true about the apple and the tree.

We did spend last weekend in upstate NY with my fam. We left late Friday night, got in at about 2:00. Pau slept the whole way. It was all I could do to keep my eyes open. How on earth did I used to stay out till all hours I ask you? The weather was gorgeous - we hit some playgrounds and then Zarpentines for all u can eat pancake breakfast. Good stuff! After a nap... more playground over by my sister's house. It was a great day until about 7 PM when we realized he had a fever... then came the croupy cough. Sigh. It's always something with these kids I tell you.

Sunday we hung around the house, went to Wegmans of course. Pau's fever was in the 103 range in the afternoon so w ehad to up the medicine. Was still not great Monday so we laid low again. We left Tues AM, stopped at Lollypop Farm on the way to check out the dogs and farm animals. Was very nice that day - we had a great time looking at the animals. Will post some photos of that shortly. Pau was a rock star on the return trip, just watching videos and dozing. Has been sleeping well, in his crib, since we have returned. Oh, and his missing top tooth finally appeared! I know it was the culprit behind the tears...

Just talked to John - Paudie and he have been gardening like fiends. John compared him to a dog - apparently he likes to roll on the ground and cover himself with soil. There he is taking a much-earned break:

well hello handsome

A pirated photo from the session last week. How cute is Paudie? Come on, he is like, baby clothes catalog cute.

After my posting last week a good friend emailed me and suggested perhaps I might experience better living through SSRI chemistry. Sort of made me think 1. hey, not a bad idea, and 2. I guess I can come off as a real mope sometimes. Did you know that mope means most-oppressed-person-ever?

So I'll try to keep it light today. The river of tears continues at our house. In talking to some other people, I guess it's what happens when you have children of a certain age. 18 months. So even though I think it's a lot of teething at once that has master P down, I guess toddler is as toddler does right? He needs more attention now and can't articulate why. So we are rolling with it. In other news... Paudie's chewing and spitting out behavior seems to be intensifying. It's like the Sex and the City episode where Miranda's date just chews his steak then politely spits it into a napkin. Except Paudie spits it down his shirt and on the floor. I have not heard about this from Wendy at daycare so I presume it is something special for John and I. But it certainly isn't going to get him out of his 50th percentile weight. I just wish for once I could see him eat a meal with gusto - actually, on Friday night he did pretty good with a slice of veggie pizza. I sawr some gusto there.

Easter was pretty lowkey. We did do an egghunt at a church in our neighborhood that claims to have had 10,000 eggs sprawn about. Of course you had to sit through about 40 minutes of singing and marketing for 5 minutes of egg hunt, but Paudie did a great job - I trailed behind with a bag. Good thing I noticed kids running by our house with bags the morning of or Paudie would have been only able to get about 5 eggs between my handbag and pockets. I have to admit, he did have some chocolate that day. I can't believe I, who was raised largely on soda and junk food, have any guilt about sweets. But I do have a little. But the boy likes his chocolate. In fact, his diet seems to be taking after mine. Pizza and chocolate! Hey - at least I'm not giving him coke in his sippy cup right?

Words are still few and far between. His interest in books continues to be steady. Paudie now likes to sit with adult books (usually upside down) and turn the pages, speaking out loud in his own language as if he were reading. Miss Wendy says he is quite a bookworm at daycare as well. That makes me happy to hear. Next stop - baby can read!

We are aiming to visit my family in NY this weekend for a few days - let's all pray the weather is decent so we can have outdoor time. As you'll recall, my parents' house is chock full of knick-knacks and what have you and frankly, they are both set in their ways so to see something out of place seems to really annoy them. For example, if Paudie takes the remote control and presses it (a major no-no given how convuluted the media system is), I will place it high out of his reach. Hours later, it will be back on the table. Paudie will take it, press the buttons, irritate my father, and I will place it high out of reach. Wash, rinse, repeat. Good times!

tears tears and more tears

That about sums up the past week or so of Paudie's life. Lots of crying. Crying at bed time, crying in the middle of the night. Crying during dinner prep. Crying at the photographer's. There is also a lot of hand chewing going on so I don't know if it is teeth pain behind all the emotion, his runny nose/head cold, his age or what but it's been brutal. And to make matters worse... he won't let me console him. Only John can do that. Sometimes if I even touch him to say, take his shirt off or change his diaper, that initiates the crying. The whole thing has me somewhat frustrated - I don't know what is wrong and I apparently am not equipped to make it all better. He seems to be doing well at daycare, which I guess is a good thing. But it's like lately, from the minute he gets home until he falls asleep, there is as much sadness as happiness from Paudie. While this doesn't wound me deeply, it just makes me wonder what is going on for him.

As mentioned above, we tried to do the Portrait Simple bunny photo session yesterday. He was a mess - Paudie, not the bunny. Lots of snot everywhere. Clung to John. After 20 minutes the very patient photographer finally was able to get some snaps in - though his hair, which is in need of a trim, was a holy show by the end of the tantrum. Once the bunny came out, Paudie lit up. Kissing the bunny, holding the bunny - an ear-to-ear smile. So I can't say the whole experience was completely worth the $80.00, but at least he got a few minutes of bliss which of course made our day.

Once we got home, Paudie helped John assemble a new cabinet from Ikea. Okay so helped is a strong word. At one point John said Paudie was like an assistant and I said, yeah a really bad and stupid assistant and he (John) seemed really offended by that. For the record, I was not referring to my child as those things - come on, the child is freaking golden. But really, if you had an assistant that tried to stand on a pane of glass as he was helping to make a cabinet, or one that was intermittently folding your laundry/throwing it in the trash bin, you would fire that assistant or at the least tell your friends that said assistant was bad and stupid.

As Paudie matures, I see a lot of parallels between he and Curious George. Yesterday he emptied our cupboard with all of the mixing bowls and baking pans - he put the largest one back in first in such a way that the door wouldn't close. He just kept slamming it over and over, taking the occasional pause to throw another bowl into the mix, then back to the slamming. As if sheer brute force would yield the desired effect. Has George written all over it.

Hoping for some decent weather next weekend so we can have some outdoor time - makes such a difference. I never paid much attention to the 4 playgrounds that surround our neighborhood but man, what a gift they are. I am so pumped for summer - even the fact that the boy won't have to wear a coat, which is one less battle to deal with, has me infinitely excited.

So that's the latest. Paudie is emotional. Is an interesting contrast to his ma who still marvels at the degree of numbness still cascading over her.

badoggies and other things

Here it is March 20. This means we are now past Cian's 3rd birthday and the plane rides to and from Ireland are a thing of the past. The jetlag really helped me cope with the birthday this year. I was honestly too tired to bring myself to a bad place over it mentally. And like I always say, it is the weeks and days leading up to it that are much harder anyways. The plane ride over to Ireland wasn't great - well it was great in that it was half empty and we got in an hour early (as opposed to like 10 hours late) but Paudie struggled. I think his ears were at him, and he was completely overtired. He got about 2 solid hours of sleep, 2 not so great hours, and 90 mins of crying. He slept the 2.5 hour drive to Cork.

The highlights of the week were the farm animals. The 4 dogs pictured above, the cows, the cats. Every morning Paudie wanted to go outside and see the badoggies. If he didn't get his way, he was kind of a little biatch about it. He wasn't as much as a terror getting into things around John's mum's house as I thought he would have been - was actually really into the lego blocks and action man/ken doll like toys she had. We spent most of the week with John's family - Paudie has lots of cousins in Ireland, a few not much older than he is. He was on a high. One night we were at a party at his sister's house and she brought ou trays of pringles and the little devil was eating them by the fistful. After I cut him off, he was scrounging for scraps on the floor. That's our boy! (I tried to insert the photo here but blogger stuck it up top).

The first two nights were bad in terms of his sleeping, but by Monday night, we had him on track largely thanks to his father's persistance in getting him to take a decent nap. The 3 of slept in a double bed the first 2 nights - not a good scene. But by Monday night, he was into the porta-crib. He was also good about wake up times - anywhere from 7:30 - 9:00. All in all, he travels well.

Another fun thing we did was go to the Model Railway Village in Clonakilty. It is so damn charming - all these little reproductions of nearby villages from the 1900's along with about 5 or so different trains going around. Will try to insert a picture: Okay that one went up top too.

Other highlights of the week... looking at the calves, some fancy meals out and his ow 9 euro fish and chips lunch, buying new wellies, eating lots of things he normally wouldn't eat, throwing a small ball around the airport/playing catch with strangers. Paudie definitely seemed to mature last week. More chat out of him. And when we got back on Sunday, the kids across the street were playing next to our house - Paudie went right over and took the basketball off of a 5 year old. That's our boy!

The sleep schedule this week has been not great. He was up at 5 on Monday and Tuesday. Ugh. I guess my clock was sorta screwed up too so I didn't mind as much as I normally would have. On St. Patrick's day he was decked out in green. They had a party in daycare - the leprechaun's painted their tongues green. Perfect for his 4:15 doctor appointment that day. As per usual, the boy totally lost it. Even in the waiting room he was starting to get pensive. We learned that he is now well off the chart for height, and down to 50% for weight with his 26.1 lbs. Hopefully now that we are home and things are quieting down we can try to get him to eat a little more.

The weather is starting to turn more tolerable - I think the snow is over and out. Paudie is really into the playground right now - there is one by our house that he has only been to once - we drove by the other day and the neck was craning like mad. I am looking forward to getting him outside because this winter has seemed eternal. Do they actually get worse every year, or as we get older, do we just become less able to cope?

love me some ptsd

Some days I really question my ability to be the best mom I can be. I know the whole bereavement thing is an enormous handicap, but still, my philosophy is that you can overcome so much in life. Unless you are me, and it has to do with the health of your only living child.

We are off to Ireland tomorrow night. We were also supposedly off to Ireland on Friday Augst 25 2006 but that didn't happen since we had just been admitted to Children's Hospital the day before. That all started with a presumed ear infection on Monday the 21st. When Paudie came home from daycare on Monday he wasn't right, and had a fever. So off to the doctor go we, and my zombieness/PTSD starts. It is intensified when doc isn't even sure Paudie has an ear infection as his right ear only looked minorly irritated. He gave us a presecription anyways. My this all sounds and feels familiar. I think I am exagerating some, but still, can I just get a break and stop feeling like I might be on the verge of reliving some horrible experiences?

Did I mention Cian would have been 3 on Saturday? So yeah, this is a bad week. As I have said many times, it is harder to anticipate an anniversary than it is to, well, just live through the day. And we have three of them each year that will forever make me feel like ... well just really unhappy... for the rest of my life I am pretty sure. The weeks leading up to an anniversary just suck. It just sits in front of you, dark and looming. For the past several weeks I have found myself thinking about the excitement and anticipation I had leading up to Cian's birth - how foolish I feel for thinking it would all be so great. I guess it was, but boy, was it shortlived.

But then the rational part of me kicks in and says, you know dear, you wouldn't have Paudie if you never lost Cian. And can you imagine your life without that blonde ball of terror and energy? Hell no I can't.

Anyhoo Paudie is on the mend - fever broke yesterday and he was back to Wendy's this morning. I have anxiety about him having ear pain on the flight, but fingers crossed he will be great. We bought him his own seat for this one even though we didn't have to. Just couldn't imagine holding him for 6 hours (or 12 should there be a medical emergency). I am very excited for him to see all of his Irish cousins - he is going to have a blast with them.

So we are honoring Cian this year by taking the trip he never got to - and we will continue to honor him by enjoying ourselves and the gift he gave us.

boooo me

I'm too tired to write anything. So check out these pics from Florida and I'll get my act together next week for the pre-Ireland, pre-Cian's 3rd birthday update.

the paudie need sleep

We had a blast in Orlando. Paudie was on top of the world - it was as if each day was better than the past. He was going full-tilt. By the time we got back, he was crashing big time. On the flight down, he was hella wriggly and antsy. Luckily there were lots of kids on board and a super sweet flight attendant who was more than happy to help entertain him and walk him around. On the flight back, he was asleep by take off. He of course had pooped about one minute before he fell asleep and I didn't have the heart to wake him, mostly cos I knew he would be verrry unhappy and I figured it better to smell poop in peace and quiet than to smell nothing in the midst of tears and shrieking. John was disgusted by the time we landed. In retrospect, it was rather foul - but hey, no diaper rash so no harm done.

But back to the trip. We did make it to Epcot one day - I thought it might be a little over his head, but he was quite good on the rides - most are slow moving, bright colors etc. He enjoyed a mickey ice cream bar and fish and chips over in fake Britain. He also got to run around a fair amount. The house we stayed at had a pool so he got to go for a few dips. Dip 1 he was really unsure of the whole thing but by Dip 2, he was delighted. We also spent some time at a nearby playground - he was up and down the slides many times. We were taken aback by his skills on the slide - much more advanced than what we saw in October, last time we saw him in playground action. Paudie also had loads of fun playing with his cousins, specifically, torturing his 2 year old cousin Shane. He was playing the annoying little brother role quite nicely. Everything Shane had, Paudie needed and was not shy about taking it off of him. They mostly played really well together and it was super cute to see their rapport.

We have lots of great photos - I will post some. Hopefully relatively soon.

The highlight of the trip, for me, was Paudie's enthusiasm. It was the first time I 'got it.' This is what it feels like to see your child be uber-happy. To see your child be uber-unhappy, that we knew pretty well. But to see a perma-grin for 4 days straight was something I did not expect and that made it even sweeter. I am so glad we went - not to mention the weather was perfect. I liken the whole experience, for Paudie, to the type of trip you take with friends when you are single - after like 6 nights of drinking and clubbing, you know you cant' take anymore and just need to go home. That was Paudie on the toddler level.

So he is getting back into his routine... I feel like his vocabulary is really progressing as the result of spending time with his cousins. While he speaks his own language, I assume it will be translated into words we understand at some point soon. It's so fun to listen to though. Clearly he thinks we know what he is saying - brilliant!

giving my seasonal affective disorder a few days off

We are at t-minus two days for Florida. I am trying to be excited, but remain nervous about the plane ride. Paudie seems to be at full-health right now, so hopefully all will be fine. As you can see by the photo, we hit the zoo last Sunday. The weather was in the 40s so we decided it was a good day for some fresh air. Plus John heard on the news that the animals get lonely in the winter. Paudie had a good time - checked out the lion, tigers, zebras, sheep, gorillas and some random emu type birds amongst some interlopers. What cracked me up is how there were lots of people like us at the zoo that day - two parents, one kid. Bored singleton toddlers. What else cracked me up was how the other kids had on boots and snow pants. Not our one. I am so thick sometimes. It never occurred to me the zoo would have lots of puddles and slush and snow and sand. So there Paudie is in his suede sneaks and cords - he fell into mush and gunk many times. At one point as we were catching up mid-fall, his shirt went up to reveal lots of poop smushed all over his coin slot. And where was the diaper bag? Well back in the car of course. I really need to be more on top of the mommy thing. I figured that he had already pooped twice that day so weren't we good to go? Nope. So once we got back to the car he got a nice and breezy change in the trunk area. He was down with it.

Paudie took a nice long nap when we got home - I thought he'd be all over the Puppy Bowl, but not so much.

Not much else going on - it's all about the trip. What to pack - long sleeves and short sleeves, sandals and socks, hoodies and shorts. And making everything fit into two bags. One thing I have noticed about what happens when you have to travel with kids - you never pack decent stuff for yourself. I agonize over his outfits but when it comes to me, I basically pick up whatever is on the floor, semi-clean, and toss it into my bag. Long gone are the days of traveling with my girlfriends and being so strategic with the going-out outfits. I'm probably one step away from mom-jeans.

the winter of our discontent

January sure has been eye-opening for us as parents of a toddler. The notion of cabin fever has reached a whole new level. Clearly the weekends stuck inside of our 1920's colonial are making Paudie insane. And us as his parents. He has so much energy and there is really no place to go. When it is Monday morning and we take him to daycare he's all, so long morons.

Making matters worse is the fact that master Paudie has been sick and/or teething for about a week now. The night time screeching is almost more than I can handle. I sit there as it's 2:45, 3:30, 4:15 listening to him basically drag his nails down a vocal chalkboard and think, this could be worse. You are not in a tiny hospital room dealing with a living nightmare. That is my benchmark for a lot of things in life. But it's hard. When he is happy, he is sooo happy. When he is unhappy, there is no consoling him. He has been like that most of his life but the delta between his highs and lows right now is quite remarkable to me. It's like he has a split personality. I figure, or perhaps hope, that once he can speak things will get easier - yes, there will be tantrums but I truly look forward to the day he can tell me if it's his teeth that hurt or an empty tummy that is causing his dismay.

Of course in the midst of our angst we have booked tickets to Florida as well as Ireland. During his manic episodes this week I can't help but let my mind wander to the behavior on an airplane. I know, it will probably be fine and I am just an ameteur but come on, can you blame me? Um, remember last year's medical emergency on Flight 132 to Shannon Ireland that cause Paudie's now seemingly benign Goosebay breakdown?

I need to post some photos. I know. We have made some recent home IT infrastructure improvements that should facilitate posting.

Oh, something else I should mention is that Paudie has added 'Go Diego Go' to his expanding vocabulary. Not sure where it came from as to the best of my knowledge, he does not really watch the show. He's more of a Curious George fan. But if the TV is on and Dora appears, all you hear is 'gogeigodo.' He also has become quite skilled in identifying dogs. Cartoon, real, drawn... he's all about them. I think one is in our future, perhaps this spring. Let's face it, the boy needs a playmate.

one year of blah-ging

Yes, I did start this blog a year ago with the intention that I would document every iota of young Padraig's life. Paudie drooled today! Paudie got his fifth tooth today!! mmmm not so much. What is wrong with me? Why can't I be better at this? Ugh. I guess I should be happy I have the entries I do as this is basically his baby book. Yarp, didn't do one of those either. I can't figure out why the death of Cian didn't inspire me to be more on top of things with Paudie. It's like it has had the opposite effect which I didn't really expect. But in my heart I know the truth. It's an ugly truth. But as the overused and overexposed expresstion goes... it is what it is.

And that is: that I just love Padraig more. Isn't that horrible? I liken it to a person who has a near death experience. They come out on the other side appreciating their life that much more. So in the case of Cian, I of course loved him - truly, madly and deeply. But that wasn't enough I guess. In the case of Paudie, I don't obsess over the small things. I just focus on loving him more than I ever thought possible. In some ways it would be easier to focus on a baby book.

So there you have it, the secret agony of a bereaved mom. Happy New Year!

Okay I'll move on to the mundane now and stop with the drama. We had a good Christmas. Celebrated with my family in NY. Paudie got some gifts he really loved - mini animal crackers were a hit, as were the plastic velcro-y veggies, a soft lounge chair like they have in daycare and a cart of toy cleaning items (okay so it's a pretend janitor cart that they boy is crazy about). Kota the dinosaur? Well that is going to take some time.

Then we had my best friend's wedding in Rhode Island on New Year's Eve. My niece came with us and stayed in the hotel with Paudie - I was nervous he would have issues. But it alll went off without a hitch. So we had a great night out (and hangovers for two days) and Paudie got to bond with his very responsible cous for a few days.

Daycare is going really well at the moment. Napping appears to no longer be an issue. And the bottle situation? Done and done. No more bottles. That was a resolution we had for 2009 and by day 2, conquered. Paudie is tops.

Tooth 6 is finally appearing - and possible 7 and 8. So nights have been rough. He is finally saying 'mama' with some consistency (and semi-accuracy). Other words are appearing as well - doggy, no, and 'get down' of course. That continues to be repeated a lot, particularly since climbing on top of the diner booth in our kitchen is his new obsession. He was also clearing a shelf of frames on a regular basis so John finally broke down and moved them to above our window molding. He was using his drill to secure them when low and behold, Master Paudie appeard with his toy drill to help out. I love those moments, the ones where it's like, he gets it! He knows what his drill is! Then he was walking around trying to hang greeting cards on the wall. Too cute.

So there you have it. 2009 is happening and it isn't so bad.

lord of the dance