Some days I really question my ability to be the best mom I can be. I know the whole bereavement thing is an enormous handicap, but still, my philosophy is that you can overcome so much in life. Unless you are me, and it has to do with the health of your only living child.
We are off to Ireland tomorrow night. We were also supposedly off to Ireland on Friday Augst 25 2006 but that didn't happen since we had just been admitted to Children's Hospital the day before. That all started with a presumed ear infection on Monday the 21st. When Paudie came home from daycare on Monday he wasn't right, and had a fever. So off to the doctor go we, and my zombieness/PTSD starts. It is intensified when doc isn't even sure Paudie has an ear infection as his right ear only looked minorly irritated. He gave us a presecription anyways. My this all sounds and feels familiar. I think I am exagerating some, but still, can I just get a break and stop feeling like I might be on the verge of reliving some horrible experiences?
Did I mention Cian would have been 3 on Saturday? So yeah, this is a bad week. As I have said many times, it is harder to anticipate an anniversary than it is to, well, just live through the day. And we have three of them each year that will forever make me feel like ... well just really unhappy... for the rest of my life I am pretty sure. The weeks leading up to an anniversary just suck. It just sits in front of you, dark and looming. For the past several weeks I have found myself thinking about the excitement and anticipation I had leading up to Cian's birth - how foolish I feel for thinking it would all be so great. I guess it was, but boy, was it shortlived.
But then the rational part of me kicks in and says, you know dear, you wouldn't have Paudie if you never lost Cian. And can you imagine your life without that blonde ball of terror and energy? Hell no I can't.
Anyhoo Paudie is on the mend - fever broke yesterday and he was back to Wendy's this morning. I have anxiety about him having ear pain on the flight, but fingers crossed he will be great. We bought him his own seat for this one even though we didn't have to. Just couldn't imagine holding him for 6 hours (or 12 should there be a medical emergency). I am very excited for him to see all of his Irish cousins - he is going to have a blast with them.
So we are honoring Cian this year by taking the trip he never got to - and we will continue to honor him by enjoying ourselves and the gift he gave us.
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