getting sick and tired of being sick and tired

Yeah, I'm Debbie Downer these days. Jealous?

And I know that my entry from last week was like, totally lame. Uninspired.

But that's me right now, uninspired. My corporate job has sapped me. I can't lie. You can only push a large rock up a steep hill so many times before it rolls you over. I think I might be there. And this isn't to say I don't enjoy the people I work with or flexing my problem solving muscles. But it's reaching that, "is that all there is" point. So I want to blog and be all witty and clever and talk about my wonderful children and their amazing little milestones but most days it just feels like I got nothing. And I can't even take the laptop out on the weekends because Paudie will stalk me. I guess I could try and be a little more inspired after they go to bed but truth be told, that is the time I sit on the couch and stare into space or watch semi-educational TV with my hubby. The lights are off by that point.

So I really gotta get out of this funk. I guess like 70 inches of snow isn't really helping. Look at P in his little igloo. Pretty sweet huh? Jaysus can you imagine having to live in that?

Noel is officially ten months old and a complete terror. I just got a message from daycare that he wouldn't nap and was screaming. When he is home, he is screaming. He has a set of lungs on him. He is also pushing around anything he can to try and walk. Highchair, cardboard box, anything that he can move across the floor that will get him from Point A to Point B without crawling really. And he is obsessed with the dog's bowls. And touching the toilet.

Paudie is also acting a little challenging these days. He is so jealous of Noel right now. I think it's because he is coming less of a baby and more of a toddler so he is getting a lot more of our attention and it is driving Paudie mad. The tears. The tears start and just don't stop. I worry he's not going to have friends because he cries so easy and so hard. But maybe that's just being 3 and really for our beneft. As we sit on the fence about having another, with them both screaming their bloody heads off morning and night, it's pretty hard to grasp. "It's just a phase" I keep telling myself.

Really I'm not this brooding depressive type. I guess I'm just overwhelmed by my life which I really wouldn't have any other way. I guess it's the whole balance thing with motherhood. Everyday is the same really. I wake at the same time and do the same tasks in basically the same order to leave the house within 90 minutes. Then I come here and angst all day over my rock and the steep hill. Then I go home and try to enjoy the loves of my life without thinking about the laundry to be done or toys to put away. Wash, rinse, repeat. I feel like life is passing me by with the rote nature of my days. If anyone is reading this and can share how they lept off of the hamster wheel I'd love to hear it. That is what I'm wrestling with. How do I make it stop? How do I get engaged in my life, a life I so desperately wanted and needed after Cian died and here we are and I feel like a zombie.

Or is this simply a mid-life crisis? Anyone who thinks wine may be an acceptable response please raise your hand. A lot of my friends seem to cope better with wine but see the problem is I've never really been much of a wine drinker. Feels good going down but the headache the next day is mostly always unbearable.

Blerg. It's just been a long week I guess.