crickets.

Yeah I got nothing for a title today. I am completely out of any ideas and there is no general theme to this update I can try to work with. Happy it's Friday. Happy it's springlike out. Happy my husband told me I looked skinny this AM. Look at that, I'm actually copping to being happy!

This pic was taken late last week at daycare - was for our Valentine's day card. Cute stuff huh. To me these two boys look nothing alike. I think the main resemblance is between Noel and Cian which is something I am grateful for. It does my heart good to think that Noel can help answer many unaswered questions I have about our first born. Who knows really but it works for me so there.

With how I feel these days it's pretty clear an anniversary is bearing down on us. Cian's 5th birthday is March 7. The birthday is the hardest of all for me. Because it really marks the day that was the most life-changing for me, the best day of all. Every February the feelings of hope I had in 2006 are just so palpable to me. I think I am trying to get more comfortable with denial. I read recently it's not really any worse to deny grief than to embrace it. Cian turning 5. Wow. So hard to think of having a little boy ready to enter kindergarten this year - wonder where we'd be living. Cos I don't think we'd be living where we are - especially in light of the neighboorhood crime watch that is being formed on our street. Crimony.

But I digress.

These next few weeks are hard, on March 8th things will be a little easier, especially as we look forward to Noel's first birthday. Trying to figure out what we will do to celebrate - definitely won't have the huge party we had for Paudie, but we'll put something together. I have to say, raising Noel this year has been a wonderful experience. With Cian I had no idea what I was doing - and that was before he even got sick. Once he got sick, it really all went out the window. I'd never even given a child medicine before - I was a deer in headlights for the 7 weeks he was sick. With Paudie I was an obsessive, anxious, depressive mess that was still grieving for Cian and worried the same thing would happen. With Noel it's been a completely different experience marked by confidence, and what an enormous difference a little confidence makes.

So what else is happening? Paudie had a great Balentine's day as he called it. Lots of candy. Candy good. Noel is all up in Paudie's business these days which is driving him nuts - I do feel for the boy. All he wants to do is put a puzzle together or read a book or even drink some milk and there Noel is, in his face. And he's an aggressive little fella. He remains on the verge of walking. Like his brother before him, he can already open doors and pull things off of the counter. It's a whole new way of living all over again. Shutting the doors and gates, locking the doors and cabinets. He's at the stage now where the most fun best thing ever in the world to do is take things out of something and thrown them on the ground. I can't say I understand the fun in that but it does seem to be a universal desire at his age. It's exhausting though. For us mind you. John and I are always talking about how parenting would be so much easier if we were younger. Well easier in some ways I guess.

Okay so this entry is wandering off into extremely dull territory. Shocker. I think it's all the carbs I had this AM. Why can't I be the type of person who can haul her ass out of bed and exercise then have a high protein breakfast? There are some days at work I actually consider napping under my desk, there I said it. For the record, I have never done this. So I'm not quite George Costanza but perhaps not far off. Sad.