Santy and the boys

fa ra ra ra ra

Tis the season. And I have no photo to post. Why is that? Because Snapfish blows. It used to be that any photos I uploaded to the service, I could easily copy and save, full-size, to my desktop. But not anymore. It only lets me save thumbnail sized photos. Booooo! Jerks. Henceforth, no recent photos of Paudie. Because I am blogging at work, pics are on home PC.

In other news...

We all survived Thanksgiving and are in fact going back for more on Tuesday. It's pretty exhausting for us at my parent's house. I don't think there is a more un-child proofed place we have ever been. Knick-knacks everywhere. Plus kleenex, a walker, a cane, a fireplace etc etc. Everyday we have to leave the house and go for a drive just to have some peace and some rest. But we are headed back and excited for Christmas - Paudie was such a blob last Christmas, this one should be much more interesting. Though he is still pretty clueless.

Paudie had his 15 month well visit last Monday. He had his last 'peace of mind' ultrasound at 5 months (to make sure nothing in his tummy that shouldn't be there) and it had been weighing on me that so much time had gone by without any additional proactive measures. Knowing that there is no way he'd tolerate another scan at this point in his life, I talked to Cian's oncologist about having a urine test done to check certain levels of things (sorry, don't know what they are) that NB tumors excrete - so the thinking is that a normal test means no tumor activity. But the test turns a lot of false positives and can be affected by diet. I had been toying with the idea of doing it for months and finally decided we would bring a sample in when he went for his shots. Subconsciously I knew we'd never get a sample and it would all be moot.

So to the appointment we go - no sample. Within one second of the nurse coming in the room, Paudie lost his shit. I mean, really, really, really lost it. She couldn't get near him to weigh or measure him at all. It was quite frightening to see how worked up he could get over really nothing. When the doc came in, the scenario repeated. We told them we had no sample and they said they would bag his peeper and try to get some, but it was unlikely given his state. But I'll be damned, they got themselves a decent sample. As soon as the nurse walked away with it I wanted to tackle her to get it back. But I didn't.

And so the urine was off to the lab. Truth be told, I didn't think about it too much until a week had gone by and no results. Then panic started to set in. I wasn't actually concerned he had cancer, it was more that the result was high and we'd opened a can of worms for him. And that yes, maybe he had cancer. A few weeks ago I was reading a letter to the editor in US News and World Report - they had recently done a cover story on the war against cancer. The letter was from a father talking about how lacking funds are for pediatric cancer research etc. He had not one, but two children with brain tumors. I read that and it's like, my heart breaks. For this man who has to endure hell with two of his beloved... and the fact that in theory, we could be halfway to his hell. I know it's sooo unlikely, but it's a unique feature of our little fam.

Anyhoo, we finally got the word yesterday, results well within normal range. Holy shit. I almost started to cry when I got the email. The weight I felt come off of me was huge.

So we are done with NB 'peace of mind' measures. We will just do our best to raise a healthy, happy little boy. I can't take the stress. There I said it.

Onto less dramatic happenings, we attempted Santa last night. Paudie was not having any of him. But when John sat down next to Santy, all was right with the world and we got an awesome picture. I will scan and post at some point.

So there you have it. 2008 is winding down and all in all, it's been quite a year. Some not so great things, and some really special moments. But we're in such a different place than we were two years ago, I really shant complain...

Losing the Plot

So Sunday Padraig wakes up with a 104 degree fever and uncontrollable drool. By afternoon, even with motrin, he was very sleepy. I almost lost my mind. Off to the doc we went and he was diagnosed with the dreaded double ear infection. By bedtime the fever was nearing 105 degrees, even with motrin and tylenol on board.

There are no two ways about it. When Padraig gets sick, I stop functioning. I am basically in the fetal position rocking in the corner. My breathing is labored. When it is time to go to the doctor, I have to clean myself up and grab snacks with the expectation that we will have to go to the hospital and live there and maybe be accused of child abuse. No PTSD here. Oh, and then after the diagnosis I doubt the doctor for hours on end. It's great. I am so mentally healthy.

I'd like to say he has really turned the corner from his illness but I can't say. Last night was a disaster. He is symptom and fever free, but he would not sleep. All he would do is cry. Scream. Screech. For hours on end. We think maybe it was his teeth but hells, what do we know. So then I went back to the doubting-the-doctor phase. He seemed okay this am when we went to daycare, but I still think John is going to pick him up early cos if he puts on the show for Miss Wendy that he put on for us last night, he is def a daycare dropout.

Hopefully tonight will be calm. We are getting up early tomorrow to drive to Rochester for Thanksgiving with my family. There will be no shortage of walkers, canes and crutches to tempt poor Paudie.

Oh, Paudie has a phrase! It's "Get Down." Apparently between hearing at home when he climbs on the stove and any other elevated item he can find, and Wendy's pug trying to eat the children's food, he hears it a lot. And he repeats it too. Good stuff.

I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a lot that I feel really unthankful for, but mostly life is good and I am so appreciative of my wonderful husband and amazing children.

ROAR!

Finally, a Halloween pic of our little lion. It actually suits today's post quite nicely given that I had to have a talk with the daycare provider about Paudie and the fact that naps are yet again posing much grief for her and some of the other kids thanks to someone's apparent and incessant crying and whining. According to Wendy, Paudie's nap skills have deteriorated badly - yesterday's note home said he would wake every couple of minutes crying in his sleep with his eyes closed and this went on for the entire nap period. I was so stressed last night upon reading this - and learning that Wendy wanted to meet with me. Argh!
So we chatted this morning. I brought in a pillow from home and a bottle - I really think his cries are a bottle jones but I know she is very pro sippy cup. I worry he will ultimately be asked to leave the group. She admits he is an awesome kid otherwise and never cries for any other reason, is always playful and smiling - it's just the nap thing. And it's really so strange as he is going great with sleep otherwise - slept in his own crib in his own room almost all night last night! For 12 hours!!

So that's the major news. Paudie: daycare dropout.

He is getting increasingly verbal, repeating things he hears - but still not great with the mamas and dadas. His latest trick is that he has to march his empty bottle to the sink every night after he finishes it. Between that and the broom obsession, I am starting to worry he may have some OCD going on. Must have order!

We are all off to Rochester next week for Thanksgiving. My dad is finally home from the hospital, about 6 weeks after his foot amputation surgery. Sounds like he is doing allright navigating around the house - we shall see. I think my mom is struggling with him being home - she is used to being the sick one, being the one that needs all of the attention - doesn't sound like she is coping with having to share resources. Good times!

loves implements.

Paudie was helping John rake last week. Very cute stuff. He is a fan of the rake, as he is a fan of the broom and dustpan. I can't even sweep up after dinner if he is in the vicinity because it is an exercise in futility. I always give in and let him have the broom which is quite possibly his favorite toy. It's not exactly child size so I keep meaning to get him a little hand brush.

The last two weeks have been busy ones. We had friends from London stay with us for a weekend. Had a lovely visit - was our first sort of "another-couple-with-a-baby" weekend. Paudie was mostly well-behaved with their 8-month old girl. We all even managed to have a nice Sunday brunch out in the south end with little drama!

Then this past weekend was Halloween of course. Paudie was a lion and I should have those pics in about, oh say 3 weeks. He really wasn't feeling the costume at all until he went outside and started to basically run wild in the street with some of the neighbor's kids. Then he played with the candy bowl, dumping it on the floor and walking on the candy. Kids would knock on the door and I'd open it and pick candy off the floor for them. Nice. We also had a lot of visitors this weekend - an old friend Becky was over for Halloween. We reminsced about crappy plastic halloween costumes of the 70's and having to wear your coat of them and how the mask would make your face sweat. Then Paudie's godmother came by for a visit as well, not to mention John's cousins visiting from Ireland. The cousins' kids were all over playing with and and minding Paudie. Made me wish I had my own 13 year old daughter from a previous relationship or something. I should have had some foresight in my 20s that I would need help in my 30s.

Day care continues to be going mostly well. Naps are still sort of hit or miss - either really good or not so much. But at least the separation anxiety has lessened.

Next weekend looks quiet. Hooray! Hopefully Paudie will adjust to daylight savings because I can't handle too many more pre-7:00 wake ups...

Sigh.

Life is funny. So my last posting I'm all sad about missing Paudie, the daycare situation and the impending two-year anniversary. Well, little did I know that only days after posting I'd be thrown back into medical crisis mode. My father had his foot amputated Friday morning (and for anyone reading this, my mother does not know the extent of the surgery - we will tell her at some point soon). What started out as an infection on his little toe which was initally amputated Sunday started to spread and by Thursday it was a life or death situation. So off to Rochester we were on Friday. Not where I wanted to be for the anniversary and not the circumstances I wanted to be managing. But such is life. We came back yesterday and I am exhausted on every level. The weather was amazing, and we got to eat lots of apples and appley things, in addition to Schalers, DiBellas, Pontillios and a Wegmans trip or two. We tried to make the most of it, but it was hard. Paudie was absolutely out of control. 4 days in a non-baby proof environment was almost more than he could handle. His favorite moments: stealing my mom's cane, over and over, as well as her $3 Walmart clock that she is obsessed with. He played well with Lucy, and enjoyed walking her. He also enjoyed spilling her water dish no more than 15 times. I thought I'd lose my mind by last night. Between trips to the hospital, chasing him, dealing with my mother... It was a lot. But I'm glad we went and that my dad got to see Paudie, I hope our visit lifted his very down spirits some. As for me, I couldn't even attend to Cian's anniversary which is hard thing to admit, but it's the truth. It's like on Cian's first birthday, I spent two days in the hospital for gallstones, at pain level 10 for most of it. I think he forgives me.

Times like these make me really appreciate the drama free days that feel like nothing and blah. Like today. I am sitting at work and it is just quiet. Almost peaceful.

I wonder how Paudie is doing back at daycare. He was not a happy camper when I dropped him today. I think it is going to take a few days for him to get back into his routine.

snotty nosed kid

Paudie has his first cold. 5 days into daycare no less. He has been a real bear of late - mornings are the worst currently. Plus he is throwing temper tantrums. Did I mention this all started only 5 days into daycare? Sigh.

I know it's all an adjustment, for all of us. It just sucks. I guess the honeymoon period is over. Man that was quick. I worry about how he will adapt to napping and sippy cups. I am anxious that I don't know what he does all day in detail. I hate that I miss the best parts of him. Right now I might see him for a few mins in the morning (or not at all) and maybe 2-3 hours at night - and what fun hours they are. Last night there was lots of crying, screaming and throwing himself down on the ground. Good times!

I'm not going to lie. This is a shit time of the year for John and I. I'm sure the fact that we are thinking about Cian and his treatment and death are shading my feelings about daycare and Paudie's day-to-day life. That I hate that I am here at work while someone else is playing with him - but it doesn't bother him, he is quite happy. It's hard to reconcile this feeling of I'd-give-anything-to-have-Cian-back yet here I am away from my living child for 40 hours per week. And I'm not exactly saving the world or do-gooding. Today I packed boxes of tradeshow materials.

I think I need some candy or something to lift my spirits.