Is actually not the froggy you see here. Because today master Noel is 7 months and 8 days old. For those of you just joining our program, Cian died at 7 months 6 days. Maybe that's why I've been feeling down in the dumps. It's a good but tough milestone. "Bittersweet" as they say, the word to describe every day of a bereaved parent's life (if they are lucky that is cos there have certainly been times I was just bitter).
Had a pretty good Halloween with the boys. Actually bought a new car which was not emotionally easy. Yes, I had an emotional attachment to our 2005 Murano. We bought it when I was about 12 weeks pregnant with Cian. So hopeful then. Months later it would sit in the garage at Children's Hospital for 3 weeks straight - the scratches and dings were something else. It was the car that transported us home after Cian died. It was the car that brought our other two newbies home. So Murano was there with us through a lot and it really was a good car. But now we have another car - the Murano has moved on. When John was cleaning it out he found one of Cian's hospital bracelets in it. Those little hellos are kinda nice.
Another Halloween activity was attending a cocoa stand fund raiser for Jack's Magic Bean Fund in Cian's memory. The boys wore there costumes and chilled, literally, with Jack's family and our other friends hosting the stand. Gotta love people who love to raise money for kids cancer! Every Halloween I think of the Halloween after Cian died - there we are two weeks out from losing our only child - had a Halloween costume for him and everything - and all we want to do is stick our heads in the sand. But the doorbell keeps ringing. We didn't even have candy I don't think - ended up giving away granola bars. I was practically despondent.
So this year John took Paudie out, up and down the block. He was digging it. The next night he was ready to go back out and at it again. He was pretty good about the candy situation, not eating it all or crying/whining about wanting to eat it all. Someone actually handed out brach's hard candies. Come on! Really? Seriously? That's granny candy! Grody. But I guess I should cut them some slack given our granola bar faux pas in 2006.
Blah. That's all I got. My head is spinning - and of course every time I feel this way I think brain tumor. Thanks cancer!
2 comments:
Hi, just wanted to come out of lurker mode and introduce myself. Found you via Pat's blog. Angel parent ourselves to Max (Aug 08). I can relate to everything you write about in this blog. Hope you are doing OK today and sending a virtual hug from one bittersweet angel parent to another. If you ever want to/need to talk/vent/swear/cry/shout myself or my wife are always available - contact info on our blog maxmikulak.com
Take care.
Andy (Max's dad)
I found your blog through another NB parent and have been reading though your past entries. I am deeply touched by your family's story and the heartbreak of losing your firstborn.
I am also touched by your family's determination to move forward, as hard as it is, while always missing Cian.
I like your humor at everyday things. "Granny candy" gave me a chuckle, 'cuz it's true! Warmest wishes.
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