Today is August 31.

38 years ago today, my mother's water broke and I entered the world at 7:07 AM.

13 years ago today, Princess Diana was killed (I learned of this while celebrating my 25th birthday at JJ Foleys).

5 years ago today, I had an ultrasound of a 12 week old fetus that would eventually be known to all as Cian.

Also 5 years ago today I watched in disbelief as Katrina hit New Orleans; I thought to myself how lucky we were.

4 years ago today I sat in a hospital room on 6N in Children's Hospital still so devastated by the news that my son had cancer. I wondered if he'd ever smile again. I was not feeling lucky anymore.

3 years ago today I was 39 weeks pregnant, getting ready to welcome another little boy into the world as well as an inordinate amount of accompanying anxiety.

2 years ago today I was picking myself up from a miscarriage and wondering why things had to be so hard.

1 year ago today I found myself 8 weeks pregnant.

This morning John and I subjected ourselves (and Noel) to a belly scan as a peace of mind measure - making sure nothing is there that shouldn't be. The tension was absurd. We did not speak. I did not sleep last night. When we got the all-clear from the radiologist, we almost cried. I don't want to be this way. I want to let it go. But I can't.

So Happy Birthday to me.

I am not happy about getting older. I am finding it harder and harder to deal with anxiety that seems to be increasing in my life. It all stems from living through something that most people would say is irrational. It is an irrational fear as a new parent to think your baby will die. Everyone thinks that right? It is a fear all new parents have. But it really happened. Any because of that fact I struggle with how to manage other irrational fears. I'm going to get into a car accident. Noel is going to have cancer. Paudie is going to get hit by a car. The list goes on and on and I am so angry that I can't control the workings of my brain. I hate you neuroblastoma. I hate you for taking my son and for making me someone I don't like much of the time anymore. I want to be happy but even at my happiest right now it's still a fraction of what it means to be unequivocally happy.