Live from Scottsville N-Y

Yup, I'm resurfacing. It's been almost two months I guess. Two obnoxcious, nutty months. I remember feeling right before we moved that there was light at the end of the tunnel for the stress. Hah. See, we had a difficult seller that we were buying from that was really complicating the overall process... a difficult lender that wouldn't close on a loan with asbestos wrapped pipes... then there was us doing the move mostly on our own to save money... I kept thinking, once all this is behind us it will get easier. But it really hasn't. It just got different. So we made it - got the loan closed, got our trailer empty and belongings in the house with the help of Larry, Darryl and his other brother Darryl, but then reality set in. No fence for weeks, no routine for the kids for weeks... it was pure chaos here. And me working from the turret in the meantime. We finally got going with preschool and daycare... and the kids hate it. Both of them can't seem to transition well. Someone is always crying.

Then there is the house. Our lovely pink Queen Victorian. So far we've had four gas leaks fixed. It's like everything in this house that has anything to do with gas had a gas line installed unprofessionally and not to code. Who spends gobs of money on a fancy kitchen (crazy seller) and neglects something as critical as the things that could blow the house up? But I think we have the gas issues behind us. Now John thinks we have chipmunk issues. He stayed up with croupy Noel last night and heard all sorts of noises that he couldn't tell where they were coming from, in or out. So that's the next project.

I know, I'm sounding very glass half empty. That's me. But if I try to take a step back, it hasn't all been bad. It's great living in a larger house in a nice community. We came from a small city with a growing drug problem and declining property values and now live in a small farming village where everyone knows everyone. It's kind of cute really. Quiet, safe, clean air. Kids had been sleeping so well (until all the separation anxiety set in, and croup) which we attributed to much more outdoor time and better air quality. So I don't regret the move, I just wish we could get our rhythym. I had hoped it would happen by now so I could spend the next few weeks more relaxed prior to the arrival of #4, but I guess for now I just try and cope with a few steps forward and one back. Everyone keeps telling me the kids WILL adjust. The crying and tantrums WILL stop. So I go with it. And at some point the boxes WILL be all unpacked. So I go with the power of positive thinking to whatever degree a pessimist like me can.

And did you notice that it's a week before Cian's 5 year anniversary and I'm only now mentioning it? Pretty good huh. We've certainly had a few awkward moments meeting people. Why is it when you're pregnant everyone must know what number baby it is? I try to answer the question honestly without making the asker feel too mortified. But it gets tricky especially when the questions persist. "So is this your first?" "Nope (smiling)." "Oh, your second." "Nope, we have two little boys at home." "Oh, so this is your third?" "Well, no, actually it's our fourth but our first is no longer with us, we lost him to cancer." Skidmarks.

I will try and post some pics but you know how I am about that, delinquent. Just wanted to say that we're here and we're okay for the most part. It's certainly been nice being out of the city, away from traffic and closer to my family. I just long for the day that I finally say, "we're settled." The last time I felt so very unsettled was when Cian was sick and after his death (which this pales in comparison to of course) but it does take me back to feeling like someone is sitting on my chest/wanting to jump out of my skin. Similar ick, different degree. It's just hard being type A and being trapped in like a type F environment.

Well we're moving on up...

For five years John and I have toyed with the idea of moving to upstate NY where I grew up. I actually still have a sticky note on my desk from the week that Cian was diagnosed with cancer - on it I was writing notes from our nanny about what he had eaten in her care while he wasn't feeling good (i.e., had cancer) as well as two zip codes in Rochester I wanted to check out. After Cian died we were left to rebuild our lives. Back to work we went and started our family again. The years just sort of ticked by. We worked, had more children, settled into our home and our routine here. But we always thought it would be nice to be closer to my family, in a reasonable housing market where we could get a larger home and some land in a good school district. Well this year we finally put our money, literally, where our mouths were. It's been a summer of angst and stress but it seems we are almost there. The vast majority of our house is packed into a large trailer in our driveway. New owners are preparing to move into the house that my husband basically rebuilt by hand. We are going to be closing on a historic Queen Victorian in a small village 15 minutes or so outside of Rochester. It's all really happening. Shocking. It's scary and invigorating at the same time. Is this the right thing to do? Will we like it there? How will we survive the winters? When I start to panic, as I often do, I look at Paudie and Noel and think of our dear Cian and calm down because this move is all about them. And if nothing else, it feels good to act on the fantasy. You think and you think about the things you might like to do and then one day turns into the next which turns into a month and then a year and there you are, in the same place. I feel accomplished that we set a goal for ourselves and seem to be on the path of accomplishment. I wonder what this new chapter will bring for us - in the matter of a few months we are going to settle into a new home in a village we really know little to nothing about, and then welcome another child into our lives. I feel like somehow Cian set this all into motion and when I feel pain over leaving the house that he lived in with us, I just remind myself that he's always with me, regardless of where I am. So that's it, I'll undoubtedly be out of touch for awhile as we try and settle in (shocker I know). Boston gave me the best (meeting my husband and our kids) and the worst (losing Cian) times of my life - can't wait to see what comes next... hopefully more than snow.

out of control

That's me todya's title refers to despite the photo of a frosting faced Noel. Okay so maybe it's me and the kids and the dog but mostly me. I can't believe it's been over a month since I last posted. The past month has been consummed by real estate transactions. Our house has an accepted offer and will no longer be ours on August 23rd. It happened really fast, which I think was a good thing because if my mind could have really processed what it all meant, I might have jammed on the breaks. it's so hard to leave a house in which I did so much growing up. When we moved in John and I weren't even married. It was the house he rebuilt. The house we brought our babies all home to. The house we wept in. But we are moving on to a new chapter in our lives. One that isn't fully defined yet, but hopefully will be soon. Real estate transactions really make me nuts. From dealing with so many people who claim to have your best interests at heart but really only have their own, to lack of timely response, to gobs of money changing hands... it's all so nervewracking. I feel so ignorant and it's so hard to rely on basic strangers helping me get from point a to point b. Then throw in two small kids on top of it all... and another on the way... and it's like, what were we thinking? But hopefully we're just in the thick of it and it is going to get a little easier, soon.

I've lived in Massachusetts for 17 years. I have no idea where the time went. That's verging on half my life. God I loved it so much here as a twentysomething. And now as a married mama it just grates on me. The traffic, the cost of living, the accents. But we also have the ocean, the sports and liberal idealism. It's all sort of like a metaphor for my time here, the best of times, the worst of times. But this was the plan we'd set out for ourselves even before Cian got sick and it became more crystalized after he died and we were blessed with more kids. Our lives are all about them, what's best for them, what is going to be as close to pony rides and space camp as we can give...

pinto bean quesadilla

Yes it's sad when all you can come up with as a posting subject line is your lunch because 1. it is making your office smell and 2. it is repeating on you. A PBQ always sounds like a good idea and even tastes like a good idea as it's going down but about 30 minutes later, grodiness. To the max.

So I've been out of touch for about a month. Things are hectic. For once instead of talking a big game about selling our house, we're actually taking the steps to sell our house so that has been pretty consuming. It's amazing all the little tasks you have to do to get some curb appeal going on. But we're almost there. We also had a trip to Rochester a few weeks back to spend some time with my family and take a look around the place. Paudie and Noel had a blast - they always do. The drive back was a little nightmarish, but it always is. Why can't there be some alternate form of transportation? Snap your fingers? Click your heels? Wiggle your nose? 7+ hours in a car with 2 kids and a dog = mental exhaustion.

Have no pictures to post of the kids, well any that are ours anyways. Found this one of P from his daycare's FB page - he has a knack for finding snails. His eyes look so big and dreamy and almost cartoon-like in the photo. And he kind of looks like my mom which is about right since he frequently acts like her. He scraped his knees yesterday at daycare. Not a peep about it until he didn't want to eat his dinner and then you'd think someone busted his kneecaps with a baseball bat. The tears, the drama. The limping. He's been regressing lately and we're finding it hard to handle. The more communicative Noel gets, the more reressive Paudie gets. I try to see it from his point of view - Noel gets to do a lot of messy, destructive things and Paudie does not. Well it's not like we let Noel or encourage Noel to be aggressive and bull-like, but that's how he's wired and he's still too young to know better. Unlike Paudie, which is unfortunate for Paudie. Noel is a real sweetheart though even if he is a pure thug. He is starting to do some sign language and more mimicking of us. Last night he pulled a kleenex out of the box and blew his nose like a pro. His obsession with the garbage and the bathroom - yes the two germiest places in our house - continues. Will really be good to get over that phase but I give it another month or two.

We've also been busy getting ready for John's Training Wheels bike ride for Jack's Magic Bean Fund. And by getting ready I mean fundraising - John has made it out on his bike once since the last ride, last year. And that was two nights ago for 6 miles. But I know he'll be find, he always is. Procrastinating really works for him. I'm so impressed with our fundraising progress, the support we've gotten from friends, family and many perfect strangers who are moved by our story and the mission of the group. Maybe next year I'll get my arse up on a bike and ride along.

So that's the last month in a nutshell. Some day I'll post some recent pics of the boys. I just uploaded like 400 of them off of our camera but they haven't made their way to Snapfish yet. I'm telling you, wireless 4G memory card!

all outta ideas

Ugh it's like almost the end of May. For the love of god, where does the time go. The last few weeks at work have been crazy. I feel like I never even get the chance to get outside for fresh air these days which I guess is fine since it's mostly raining out all the time anyways. But it's hard to be so busy all day - mainly lots of meetings which if you knew me better than my occasional musings on this blog you'd know I generally don't like to focibly interact with people. By the time I get home I feel so spent - who doesn't though. Whine whine whine. Make it stop!

Yeah so life is busy. Busy here, busy there. But kids are great. Noel is such a little scoundrel! He's also s sweet boy who loves to hug and literally does a little dance in his crib every morning when I open his door. He and Banjo are the morning people of our house. The rest of us? Brutal. I so fondly remember sleeping in until 12 or 1 in my teens and twenties. Agh, good times. Now I awake at 5:45 for no other reason than to think about to-do items. Grim. I don't know what would be more pathetic to 20 year old me, the fact that I get up at 6 even though I don't really have to, or the fact that I go to bed at 9:30 cos I can't stay awake past then. I would totally fit in at a retirement village - that's a lifestyle I could get on board with.

Paudie has been challenging us lately. Noel physically challenges us. He is still obsessed with our bathroom which has a pocket door on it that he can now easily open. And like his brother before him, it's really fun to put things in the toilet. This week: a cup and a spoon. The spoon then made it's way into th eclean utensil tray in the dishwasher. Conamination! The garbage can has also been moved since it's also just as fun to put non-trash items in there. He just doesn't stop and has Jason Bourne like intuition and skills. He'll be completely engrossed in a bottle laying down and it will occur to him that minutes earlier he didn't hear the stairway gate click shut. He will expolit your every exhaustion induced oversight.

Oh, sorry, I forgot it was Paudie I was about to whine about. Paudie. Can anyone out there help me understand pre-school little boys and how their minds work? He has a penchant for grossness. Licking his feet after we take off his grody socks, licking food off the kitchen table. Then there is the awful humor. Like he puts the word 'stinky' in front of nouns on a pretty frequent basis and cracks himself up. And he's insanely jealous of his little brother who he feels gets away with a lot more than he does. True enough. This isn't to say I don't love him dearly because for all his behaviors that I don't get or I'm aching to modify, there is the sweet little boy who came to the eye doctor with me this week to check out the machines and was as good as could be. A lot of people tell me it gets easier when they turn 4 so we'll see. It's just so hard when you know you have an amazing, bright kid on your hands but you only get to see that person for pieces at a time, on his own terms.

I really hope the sun finds its way to the east coast because there are a lot of us that would really, really, really like to leave our house. I think Banjo is going mental. 6 months is a long time to be basically stuck indoors. I actually spend energy fretting that the entire summer is going to be cool and rainy. My seasonal affective disorder can't take it much longer. I'm going to get scurvy. There now you know the only fact I have retained from middle school health class.

Oh, and if the rapture really is tomorrow, we're convinced our dog will eat us. Starting with John.

happy days are here again

Spring may have finally sprung here in New England and boy what a difference some sun, a little warmth, budding trees, singing birds - you get the idea - makes. Remind me again why we live here and torture ourselves through months of frigid temps? The kids are great, so happy to be spending more time outside, playing with toys and taking in nature. I'm happy to strip away a few layers, put the coats and hats away and have tired little kiddies who are easy to put to bed at night from all the fresh air and running around.

Had a good easter last weekend. It wasn't great because 1. Saturday was 40 and rainy all day, 2. P woke up grumpy and confused about the Easter Bunny and 3. the Easter Bunny did a crap job with the Easter Basket. P was less than thrilled with it and I have to concur, it was lame. I failed at Easter this year. At least I can do better next year. The weather was amazing though and we had a fun afternoon with the cousins and an egg hunt. Noel wasn't really digging the egg hunt, he was more focused on experiencing grass for the first time. He was intrigued yet put off. He kept falling on his bum but he couldn't stand to touch the grass long enough to push himself up. They spent all afternoon outside - slept so soundly that night.

Noel continues to get more communicative. Starting to imitate now - likes to try and blow his nose, use a fork, give kisses. 13 months is an exhausting age, but it's also an exciting one where every day you start to see something new in your child. With Paudie things are kind of leveling out, change and advancement is incremental. But with Noel, new skills just suddenly seem to appear. I had forgotten what that was like. With Paudie we were so focused on it because he was the only child so I know we drank it all in, but my mid-life mind can't seem to retain very much of anything.

Like billions of other people, we did watch part of the Royal wedding this AM. Paudie was interested in it given his own relatively recent pageboy experience. Well that and all the horses. He suggested I wear a veil to work today. I was surprised to get as sucked in as I did, but I think I'm just thirsting for some feel good type stuff right now. Is it just me, or do things feel really, really bad? Did my parents feel this way in the 70s and 80s? Were things as bad then as they are now? Everywhere you look, sadness, anger, idiocy. From the weather to politics, everything seems like a struggle. I also can't tell if I'm more interested in current events and politics now because I'm a parent or because things are so bad. But suffice it so say I'm very uncomfortable with where things are heading. The morons that get elected to make decisions for the rest of us. Forget the birth certificate, how about an IQ test?

Wait, this was supposed to be a happy post. Why can't I stop being Debbie Downer for the time it takes me to type all of this out?

So to recap, spring = good. Kids = great. State of the union = verging on Idiocracy.

Have I posted about the uptick in crime in our city? It's getting bad. Granted I understand we live in a city and cities have problems but the problems are spreading over into our quaint little section - and from all that I read, it's almost entirely drug related. In fact I tuned into Intervention the other night, one of my favorite shows to feel better about myself and my coping strategies and it's like, hey, this heroin addict is walking her dog on the beach... at the end of our street. Made us feel all warm and fuzzy to see her shoot up and then drive around. Watch this space, 3 bd/3 bath colonial coming soon...

Ugh there I go again.

where is my mind?

Here's a pic of Noel opening his present at his daycare party. P is looking on, being pretty reserved since afterall it is his official job to open all of his younger brothers' presents and play with-hoarde them. I'm also pretty impressed Noel is actually opening the gift himself since only the night before he was more interested in eating wrapping paper.

Noel continues to get more expressive and interactive. So fun to see a baby's mind really start to evolve, the things he is starting to grasp. Is at that stage where he puts things in and takes things out just about wherever he can. His milkaholism is also in full effect - the other night he sat crouched in the corner of our kitchen with nothing but a diaper and t-shirt on pounding a 6 ouncer. We've taken to watering every bottle down since it was all getting a little out of control. He doesn't seem to mind.

Paudie is Paudie. Hates to wake up on weekdays, balks at getting dressed in his room, has OCD about being the one to pick up his cup of milk and vitamin off of the counter every morning; turning off the TV; watching How Its Made. He's going for a dental checkup tomorrow so that will be interesting since I missed the first one. He actually went to the doc last week to have a cough checked out and I think it's the first time in over two years he wasn't screaming in hysterics. Haircuts still remain slightly problematic for him, I'd be perfectly fine to just let his hair grow a little long but problem is his hair grows up and not down. He has his father's hair for sure.

Hard to believe Easter is coming soon. I think we have to do a real Easter basket for P this year, though we haven't exactly talked it up, the Easter Bunny concept. He keeps asking about an Easter Egg hunt and all I think back to is the one (and only one ever in my life) we went to when he was about 1 1/2 at a neighborhood church. Massive hunt yes, but a little too much, how should I say this... propaganda... for my comfort zone. Raised Catholic, any sort of formal religious event that includes holding hands, dancing, guitars and clapping makes us, how should I say this... extremely nervous. The hunt itself was enormous and fun for the kids, but really does Easter have to be all religious? I jest! I get it, but it was just a bad scene for a little kid who wanted to get be outside picking colored plastic eggs off the ground - you know, picking things up and putting them in.

Also hard to believe is that next week marks the 11 year anniversary of that fateful night that John and I met at JJ Foleys. Have I already remarked on how cliched it is to pick up a Paddy in an Irish pub in Boston? Well I didn't exactly pick him up but whenever people ask how we met, it's like, he's Irish, I'm American, he's a carpenter and I work in software - take a wild guess how we met. Lot has happened in 11 years. It's always something to think of fate, to think, what if I hadn't had those X drinks on a pseudo-bender that took me from Davis Square to Landsdowne Street to last call in Downtown Crossing? That'll be a good story to tell the kids in like 20 years and they'll be all horrified that their crazy mom used to be fun and tie one on here and there.