baa

Ah March, the lion and the lamb. Here we are, on our way to April and today it's going to be lovely and mild - and I will get outside and experience it dammit. Then tomorrow the lion returns. Drat. It's funny how you managing through the winter is all about rationalization. If it's a blizzard, well maybe you don't have to go into the office. If it's just arctic, hey at least it's not a blizzard. When it's 30, you think, at least it's not arctic. But once you start to get a taste of spring, that all starts to go out the window. You are no longer grateful. You want 65 degrees every day, then 75 and 80.

I really don't belong on the east coast. I see no value in winter. I have no love in my heart. I do not ski, ice skate, or partake in any other winter sports. Oh, and I'm cold all the time. Like I probably have a circulation problem or something. I have a space heater on my desk at work that I use every day - it's about 6 inches away from me. I hate being cold. There are few things worse than feeling cold. So yeah, it's a bummer cos I don't see myself heading south unless I'm ready to trade in my car for a golf cart and have the grandkids down.

Still no pics of the kids. So bad. We have albums and albums of Paudie's pics. Noel, not so much. All of his photos live on our laptop. I feel like now that he's turning one it's time to get a nice picture taken of him like we did Paudie. He still has such a chubby baby face. He is not walking yet though trying to get brave about it. he also won't wave bye-bye but get this, I guess it's his first word. He always has a strong verbal reaction when we say it to him. So damn cute. Paudie was not really verbal like that so maybe he'll be an early talker. He's been staying up later - the past few months it was a struggle to keep him up past 7:30 - now he has no intention of going to bed before 8:30. Damn you daylight saving time. And he's super bitchy about it. Before we'd just put him in his crib and he'd turn over and go right to sleep. Now there is lots of screaming involved. Sigh. Could also be due to the transition to more table food. He seems to have a few faves - fish, beans. And Banjo loves Noel even more now. He parks himself under Noel's highchair as he eats and gets in on everything that fails to make it into Noel's mouth, which is substantial.

Paudie is definitely at that kids-say-the-darndest-things stage. This week there were two gems - "oh great. someone forgot to flush the toilet. (it was him). and "shh guys, i'm trying to sleep" - he came out of his bedroom and went back in. Okay so they really aren't the darndest things I guess, it's more his tone. Very serious and adult like. And he's taken to quoting "An Idiot Abroad" because he watches way too much Science channel. He must have said "congress tarp" 20 times last night. I couldn't even understand what Carl was saying but apparently P could.

You'd think being a semi-Irish family we'd have had some big St. Patrick's day to-do. But we didn't. Kids wore their Ireland rugby shirts. That's about it. No boiled dinner, no parades, nothing. The closest we came was an at-home Irish breakfast with some friends last weekend. Oh man, Irish sausage and puddings are some goooood stuff. I'm not a huge carnivore but damn, I like myself an Irish fry. Nothing beats being sweaty and dehydrated all day long after. The boys love it as well. I think if we lived in Ireland we'd have cholesterol and/or blood pressure problems for sure, though perhaps the thrill would fade.

There you have it, another riveting update. When I see all the chaos in the world, all the troubling things, I am thankful for our quiet existence. It's true I feel restless with where we are, but I appreciate all that we have and hope things improve for those living through just incredibly hard times.

i will be happy today.

Yup, still no pictures to post. It's been ages, I know. We never take pictures anymore with our SLR - John takes them all with his iPhone and I never even see them.

Today I am going to be happy. Because it's Friday and it's looking like a decent weekend. Because Noel is on the verge of walking which I find very exciting if for no other reason than I won't have to bend down to the floor as much to haul up the 28 lb bundle of joy that is wrecking my back. I do think once he walks, he and Paudie's relationship is going to blossom. They have been playing together a lot more lately. Gets a little rough sometimes - and more often then not it's Noel making Paudie cry. He doesn't know his own strength.

Spent last week with the fam in upstate NY. Noel reverted back to basically a newborn with his sleeping patters while there - couldn't seem to sleep more than 3-4 hours at a stretch, up at the crack of dawn each morning. Within about one day of being there, I was wholly sleep deprived. Between bad sleep and chasing him all over the most baby unproofed house, it was a rough week. We were able to get out to the Science Museum one day and it was totally empty so that was nice. Also hit the Children's museum which is like perfect for kids Paudie's age. Noel got in on some of the fun, but really everything is perfectly oriented for pre-schoolers. Also ate a lot of tasty upstate NY junk food. Schalers, Abbotts, DiBellas, Dinosaur, Zarpentines... jaysus it's easy to gain 5 pounds there. Plus hit Wegmans a few times. Such a great store - I'm so jealous of my fellow massholes who live west of 495 that will be enjoying a brand new Wegmans in only a matter of months I believe.

Given our sheer exhaustion all week, really made us ponder how we could ever manage having another baby, assuming that would even be possiblt. I think we realized we probably, realistically can't do it again. It's not even a financial thing or the notion of being outnumbered. It's that I'm sick of being tired all the time. I want a life back. But it's hard for me to come to terms with 'being done' because of all these pent up fears and anxieties I have about childhood cancer combined with prolonged grief from losing Cian. It's just this extremely complicated thing but I think I realized I don't want to be a miserable, tired mum. I need to enjoy what I have and be in the moment with it. But it's all easier said than done. It's a process for me to internalize it.

So got back Saturday evening, got a great night sleep (all of us did actually) - and my god, isn't it truly amazing what a great night sleep can do for one's body and mind? I think it is the best medicine. Had a quiet day Sunday to gear up for Cian's 5th birthday Monday. I thought this might be the year we involve Paudie, maybe get a small cake. But we just couldn't do it. I came to work on Monday, which was a first. And a mistake. I really had no right being here and my disposition and overall miserable attitude really showed it. I think it was the first anniversary I didn't cry - and that's not because I'm okay with it, despite my showing up to work, it's because I was completely numb this year. But it's behind us now and we are free of anniversaries for a little while.

Looking forward to a weekend witht the boys. 3 1/2 is such a great age, minus the occasional and horrible temper tantrum. We took P and N out for a walk last sunday as it was quite mild and there P is, pointing out conifers. The stuff pre-schoolers understand and maintain is just nuts. He's also really into watching Man Vs Wild. He's a riot. Likes to pretend he's Bear Grylls. Gets a total kick of out him. I know, not the most age appropriate programming but I think it's better than any cartoon. And Noel is Noel. Doing better eating tablefood though still seems to wear more than he ingests. He's starting to point a little bit, take a few steps here and there. Getting more interactive, playing little games like handing us things. Pointing the remote at the TV (sigh). I cannot believe he is one in only about 2-3 weeks, where did the last year go?