clearly i suck at this

hi. how hard is it to write a post or two a week? i don't understand why i'm not better at this.

we took Paudie on his first airplane ride this weekend. he was totally enthralled with the turbulance on the weigh there. he would giggle each time we hit a bump - i would feel my stomach flip and then he'd laugh. it hit me that his stomach was flipping too and that he was enjoying it. i guess he'll be a thrillseeker type.

the flight home was a different story. paudie was a mess. it was an unfortunate situation for us all. particularly the people around us. luckily jetblue gives out headphones so most people were watching TV. but not us. apparently parents of small children don't qualify for headphones. we have to suffer and suffer well.

suffice it so say, we are all feeling a bit anxious about our flight to Ireland in a few weeks.

in other paudie news... he is rolling like a fiend. back and forth. his sitting has improved but he still can't really manage it for too long on his own. the drool continues to flourish, yet the teeth are mia. he's also starting to demo a little bit of a temper. it's a riot but i have to give him props. i know how he feels when something you aren't supposed to have is taken away and god bless him for screaming about it. i'd be a much happier employee if i could unload over otherwise trivial matters.

catch that buzz

i'm going to depart from my downer type entries for a bit with this ode to my boy. the last week or so with paudie has been just the best. i don't know what it is, what has changed. but right now, i just couldn't be more in love. he is so effin cute. this week he has started to march his feet in his exersaucer. he tends to do it when there is music or to his dad's sad beatboxing. but i love it. it's like, he gets it. he's grooving. he's also starting to really interact with us. there is some give and take. the other night he woke up at like 11:15 and started to laugh and kick and smile. those times are so special. i love that he just goes with it. he knows no boundaries or rules or norms. i love to feed him appley yogurt and see him lap it up. it's awesome to know you are giving you child something they love.

i am totally going to get him a pony or send him to spacecamp.

i love that when he sleeps in between us he gets a full night's sleep. that tells ms he is exactly where he wants to be, feels the most comfort.

paudie paudie paudie.

i want to have like 5 of him.

did my parents ever love me this much? i don't know.

his hair. his skin. his smell. his infectious laugh. his toes. i just can't get enough of that boy.

when you know what you're missing

I went out with my girlfriends Saturday night - my first time out in nearly three years. While I was excited about a night out with my oldest and dearest friends, I also felt anxiety. Or a sense of conflict. With our first son, before he was sick, my husband and I both worked so essentially we both missed out on a good chunk of his life, from 3-5 months. But I didn't get too hung up on that because I thought there would be years and years of opportunity to be with him. Alas, I was wrong. And once he was gone, the agony of missing him was just plain cruel. But you adapt, slowly.

Now that Paudie is here, I hate to be away from him. I feel as if he is awake, and I can be with him, that is where I need to be. Because I don't want to miss any more than I have to (working). All I can describe it as is this pressure. Self-inflicted of course. I sense that is a difference between my husband and myself currently. He is home with Paudie for now so he gets hours of quality time each day so there is no guilt (I presume) should he want to do something for himself.

I guess my point is this: I hate that my life, my priorities, my needs, were rearranged for me. I didn't really need to lose my son to realize what is important and I certainly don't need to suffocate under the weight of the forced reprioritization, but I might.